Help, I can’t stop this terrible self-abuse

Hi,

I have a problem with masturbation and pornography. I have never really understood how it started since I grew up a chaste man.

Things changed about four years ago. I am approaching my dream marriage age (26 years) and I want to end this so that I can have a good marriage. Please help me since it is becoming serious.

Hi,
First is to thank you for your informative column. In last week’s column you discussed a problem that I am currently suffering; masturbation.

I wish to disclose to you that I have been suffering this problem for the past 22 years. I am now 35 years old and tired of the suffering I have been going through. Please help me.

Regards. 

Hi,
I have just read your article in the August 22 online paper in reply to a question by one person whose boyfriend is apparently addicted to masturbation.

In the article, you advised the lady to seek help for her partner by urging him to join a sex addiction and recovery group whose email has been given.

My reason for getting touch with you is because I too am interested in joining such a group in order to end my own suffering from addiction to masturbation.

How else can I get in touch with you? And also, please give me more information on how I can get help on this matter.

James O.

Hey sir,
I would like to thank you for your good work. I am a regular reader of your DN2 column.

Due to the fact that I work outside the country, I found it difficult to meet and get into relationships with women, so I found myself engaging in masturbation. My problem is that I am now addicted to it. Please help.

Hi,

My question is, does masturbation have sides effects? Can it kill my desire or attraction towards women? Will I have problems with my sex life in future because of it? Please help me.

Hi all,

As a result of last week’s article, I received several questions regarding the issue of masturbation. I have dealt with this issue in the past, so I will draw on my reflections from then and add a new thoughts and insights.

In a more restricted sense, biblically and spiritually, masturbation is viewed as a sin, while morally and culturally many speak of it in hushed tones as an unacceptable behaviour.

God created sex to be enjoyed by a man and woman in marriage, but masturbation can be seen as an act in which one has “sexual intercourse” with oneself.

As a result, it not only violates one’s self-image and esteem, but it leaves those who practise it feeling guilty and ashamed of their actions.

It is not something they can talk about openly — like one would talk about their wife or husband. That is why talking about it to an accountability person is important.

Masturbation causes a lot of stress, shame, depression, guilt, and low self-esteem in those who practise it.

If it is developed in childhood as a result of foolish adolescence behaviour, it may be easily discarded as the individual grows up. However, this may not always be the case and the habit may be carried on into adulthood.

Understanding the causes of this habit helps you to get to the root of the cycle.

Since masturbation is a physical act of exciting the sexual organs by rubbing, stroking, or fondling, it may be as a result of sexual habits that develop during adolescence, sexual abuse, and lack of love and support while growing up and enticements that come through subjecting one’s mind to pornography or cyber sex.

With time, it becomes an addiction if not dealt with.

One major problem with masturbation is that the person caught up in it feels the need to increase the frequency in order to achieve satisfaction and a great number of those involved in the practice tend to be secretive about their actions.

Therefore, the first step to breaking the cycle of masturbation is admitting that you have a problem and be willing to speak about it.

So you guys are well on your way to recovery: keep going.

Speaking about it addresses two key issues — one’s inability to deal with the issue by themselves and acceptance of accountability support in dealing with the issue.

Another important factor in dealing with masturbation is commitment to a process, not just an action.

Recognising that the time one would have spent building productive relationships is now spent trying to achieve an elusive satisfaction will help you come up with strategies to help you overcome the habit.

Most people caught in the habit of masturbation tend to feel helpless, but this should not be the case.

Breaking the cycle of masturbation is a process and will require a lot of time, willpower, and accountability support from yourself and a counsellor.

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Hi Philip,

I am 24 years old and have been married for two years now and have one baby girl.

The past six months have been hell for me. My in-laws (aunts) have been out to make sure my family has no peace.

They told my wife to go and visit them in February and she has not come back to our home. I have tried to figure out what the problem is since we had not disagreed or quarrelled.

Apparently, they advised her to go look for a job rather than stay married to somebody who is not working (I’m not formally employed but for the two years we have been together we have never lacked. I hustle and I have a small business).

I later came to learn that the aunts had tricked my wife that they had found a good job for her but it was just a house help job.

The problem is that she cannot seem to make a decision on whether to listen to me or to her relatives.

I love her but I am stressed and I cannot continue living this way. What do I do?

Distressed James.

Hi James,

One of the major causes of divorce and separation in marriage is the problem of in-laws.

The ability of the couple to manage their parents and other relatives through open and clear communication is absolutely necessary.

It looks like the two of you lack this vital ability. Sadly, I do not think that the two of you fight as a team, otherwise she should have put up a fight on your behalf.

Could it be that she saw some truth in her aunts’ accusations?

This is the only reason she may have decided to stay with them.

Another viewpoint could be that there were many other issues bothering her and the matter with the in-laws only gave her the opportunity to walk away.

I suggest that you make an honest evaluation of your actions and behaviour towards her, your treatment of her and how you related in general.

In this day and age where formal employment is lacking, more and more people are moving into the business arena.

I commend you for trying your best to put food on the table for your family.

There is nothing wrong with informal employment and running your own business.

In fact, many people in business now are making more money than they would have had they been employed.

It all depends on your will to succeed and grow. From the look of things, it seems your wife values her aunts’ advice more than she does yours.

When two people get married, it is important to realise that you have formed a new family unit and that this new entity takes precedence over your extended family.

As I mentioned earlier, although you say you have never lacked, it seems to me that there are other issues that are underlying and are informing your wife’s decisions rather than your lack of formal employment.

I would suggest that you show interest and concern. Do not give up. Show her that you are committed to making things better.

But remember, at the end of the day, the choice is hers, whether to get back to you or not.

I wish you all the best.

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Hi Philip,

I am 27 years old and have not dated for four years now. I met a guy whom I like a lot but he is younger than me by four years, although age is not really a problem for me.

He is mature, honest, and has all the qualities I want in a man. He wants to date me.

I have only seen him twice so far and we live far from each other, although we communicate daily.

I really want to have a relationship with him because we have both had bad relationships before.

My question is, when is the best time to date? Should we strengthen our friendship before we date? I trust him already and yet I have not known him for long.

Libbie

Hi Libbie,

I can sense some spirit of confidence and determination to make this relationship work and lead to a stable marriage.

As much as development of relationships can be complicated, it requires time, effort, and wisdom.

What works for one couple might not work for another. In my book, The Marriage Dance, and many other forums including this one, I have written on how to develop and grow healthy relationships.

It is important to keep channels of communication open and to cultivate trust.

I do not know what may have caused the sour relationships you both had previously, but I suggest that it is necessary to ensure that the reasons that led to the troubles you had previously are sorted out and forgiveness given and the reasons that led to both of you entering this new relationship be clearly embraced by the two of you.

Dating calls for a healthy knowledge of each other: likes and dislikes, one’s passion in life, values and character.

It is important to ensure that your friendship is growing on such values.

Remember that it is upon such values that a great foundation of marital conflict management is built and effected.

If you feel that you are happy about the foundation built thus far and you are comfortable with him, then go ahead and extend the dating to some commitment towards marriage.

However, ensure that you attend a premarital training course before you enter into marriage.