After five years of dating, my girl is just using me

Hello Philip,

I’m a man, aged 33. I fell in love with a lady who showed me the greatest love in 2007, one month after I was transferred to my current town from Nairobi. She was the perfect love in the first year — though a bit demanding, especially financially.

As time wore on, I asked her whether she would like to go visit my parents, and she said she wasn’t ready. Then I asked her to marry me, but she said she was already married to me. That sounded funny because, even though we lived in the same estate, she was still under her parents’ care. I then asked her to move in with me, but she refused.

Now she has one leg in my house, the other in her parents’. She spends three days a week in my house and the other four with her parents!

And, in the four years that we have been living under this arrangement, she hasn’t conceived. The other day I asked her about this, and she said she does not understand why we don’t have a baby yet, because, she said, she wants a child as much as I do.

It’s going to five years now, and I’m beginnig to feel used. My family has also noticed that things are not well with us, and I’m getting cautions left, right and centre. When I tell her I want us to get married, she gets mad, hurls abuse at me, and goes into silent mode the whole day.

At my age, I need someone who complements me, someone who completes me, someone who gives me peace and happiness. But whenever I sit down with her, we are always fighting, after which she heads to her parents’.

I’m confused, and I don’t know what to do. Please help before it’s too late.

Thank you.

Laban.

Hi Laban,

Honestly, I don’t know what to call your relationship, and I think there is something this woman is very afraid of. If, five years down the road, she has not agreed to marry you, then you need to start weighing your options. Something is wrong, very wrong.

What commitment do you have here that should keep you waiting? As far as I’m concerned, she prefers to be with her parents, not you.

However, you can investigate whatever informs her fears and actions. Could it be that she only wants to be with you as long as there are no firm demands that come with the long-term commitment of marriage? Or that there are issues about marriage that she fears?

Sit together and draw some guidelines on what you really want, and put timelines to them. Make it clear to her that time has come for you to settle down. If she says she is not ready, then make a decision there and then, and stick to it.

Refuse to be manipulated, and firmly evaluated the issues at hand. Living together without a clear plan will only add pain and uncertainty to what you are going through. A couple who have set clear and achievable goals will surely build a great future. Therefore avoid ambiguities and uncertainties in your plans and interactions.

You can do it.

******

Hi Philip,

I need your help, because I have lost control of my emotions. I am a married man, but too jealous that I can’t keep off my wife’s back. I suspect her so much that I’m confused whether my feelings are driven by sheer love or beastly hatred. I don’t know what drives me to these lows, yet she seems so in control of her life that she isn’t, in the least, bothered with me or my actions.

While I am always calling to know where she is and what she is doing, she rarely calls me, which makes me wonder whether she really loves me. She doesn’t even get worked up should she see me talking to other women.

Is there something wrong with me? Am I too hard on her that I can’t give her space to be herself? Do you think she really loves me?

Mike.

Hi Mike,

I’m with you here buddy, for you definitely have reason to worry and be jealous. You are missing out on one of the most basic needs in marriage: appreciation. A happy marriage is not just the absence of abuse and quarrels; but it is about being in sync with your best friend, the person you exchange emotional, spiritual and even psychological support.

There is nothing as frustrating as a home where there is a sense of someone being absent, because, when that happens, you feel alone.

Women are generally different emotional beings from we men. Therefore, I suggest that you first evaluate yourself and your relationship.

Check on how you communicate and relate to her, physically and emotionally. It could be what you have done, are doing or what she thinks you are doing that makes her seem so distant.

You could be saying one thing, but your wife hears you say a totally different thing. Therefore, take time to check your character, practices and body language, and make sure you are sending the right vibes.

Also, she could be going through some rough patch and thinks you should either know she is in a vale and needs your help, or that you need to give her time to be alone. Or may be she is brooding over something that she is keeping away from you.

These are but just speculations. You, however, are in the right position to talk to her and make your discoveries. Be gentle and cautious about it. You do not want to add further hurt to what may be an injury already. Your discoveries may surprise, or even shock, you. Therefore be prepared to go all the way in seeking harmony.

All the best, and don’t despair.

*******

Hello,

I’m 34 years old, living and working in Nairobi. I have been looking for a loving and a caring partner to spend my life with, and it seems I just found one in the person of Muthoni, whose anguishing search for a man you published in this column three weeks ago. Could you kindly swing her my contacts? I would really appreciate it.

Thanks,

Nash.

Hi Nash,

Thank you for your interest in Muthoni. However — and this goes to all those who have sought to hook up with other people through this column — please appreciate our dilemma; we are not in the dating business. Our desire is to help lay down principles that will help both the married and single to appreciate the place of marriage as an institution in today’s society.

As you may have read in our past articles, many marriages are in a crisis. But we believe love abounds, and that all we need to do is talk about it, share it and encourage it. Follow the principles we discuss here, apply the guidelines and hope for the best.

The glory, my friend, lies ahead.

*****

Hi,
I am a 24-year-old man, and have dated a certain girl for four years now. Of late, however, she doesn’t pick my calls, and I fear she is up to something stinky. What do you think is happening, and what would you advise?

Hi,

She is walking away from you, and, unfortunately, I can’t tell you why. Four years, my friend, is a long time for someone to just decide to walk out of love, so whatever it is that is driving her away from you needs attention.

You are the best-placed person to find out why, and look into the changes you need to make before you go out looking for her.

Could she been putting you off because of something she does not want you to know? Who knows? Evaluate your relationship and check out what led to this. One thing is clear though: her refusal to answer your calls means she does not want to hear you, leave alone be with you.
Sad, but true.