After losing my job, my wife left me and my children went wild

Dear Philip,
My wife of 25 years left me because I have no money. Here is my story:

Our wedding 25 years ago was one of the most celebrated weddings. I paid dowry as demanded by traditions and customs and, to crown it all, took my wife before the altar.

During the wedding ceremony, we even received congratulatory messages from the Pope himself, several archbishops and bishops.

The service was celebrated by 35 priests, two deacons and five major seminarians and was even covered by the local media.

Three children followed in quick succession. How many men can change napkins and spoon-feed their children?

How many men can go to Marikiti to buy fruits and vegetables for the children?

How many men can stay up late at night or sleep in shifts to keep company an infant who has refused to sleep, or is in pain? I did all this.

During the marriage, on several occasions I would make the bed, iron my wife’s clothes, carry her bags, and do other household chores because she had a back problem.

Her diabetic father, whose toes have been amputated lived with us for sometime. I would often carry him to the toilet at night.

I also welcomed my sister-in-law to live with us. I basically became fully integrated into my wife’s family.

When it came to providing for my family, I never failed. I even built a permanent house for us. I educated all my children in private schools, from primary to secondary school.

After all of them had cleared Form Four, I lost my job. And one year later, at the beginning of 2010, my wife deserted our matrimonial home, saying she cannot stay and give me food (which she has bought with her money).

She carried away everything in the house. And when I say everything, I mean everything, including bulbs, curtains, utensils, beds, beddings, jikos and so on.

I have nothing to show after a whole 25 years of investment and of maintaining and keeping a home.

What beats me is how a person you have lived with for 25 years can be so brutal. And this person claims to be a Christian.

As if that was not enough, my own children humiliated me to the core. They abused me and called me unprintable names.

My first-born son called me kihii [an uncircumcised boy] three times and even challenged my manhood, asking me to prove to him that I was circumcised.

He told me that I sleep with other men, because I used to stay late watching TV.

They called me a useless man who has nothing to show for his personality, somebody that nobody can call daddy.

They told me they will never call a useless person like me daddy and even started addressing me by my names.

They held me under siege for about three hours, pouring on me the most unprintable insults and even told me to ask the priests in my phone book to pray for me because I cannot enter heaven.

No words can explain the humiliation I went through before my own children and wife.

When my mother heard what had happened to me, she went into depression and three days later suffered a massive stroke.

She passed away after staying in a coma for five weeks, leaving behind a huge medical bill and a very sad family.

A few years earlier, I had enrolled for a degree course at a local university and was in my final year when all these things happened.

Now, I have interrupted my studies because I have no money to finish my degree.

I am suffering a lot: I have no money, I have no family, I have no job, and I cannot even finish my degree so that I can look for a job. I am not even sure of tomorrow.

I am not writing to you so that you can give me any advice. Whatever you say to me will be welcome, but I am writing this to tell other people out there, particularly those who are married, not to consider themselves any lucky.

It does not matter how many years you have been married, it does not matter what you do for your family; your own children, whom you brought to this world yourself, can ruin your life forever, break your marriage and break your hopes and aspirations.

Do not think you are lucky because you enjoy a happy marriage and a happy family — tomorrow, it could be different.

Finally, I am appealing to anybody out there, who can assist me complete my studies to help me. That is all that matters to me now.

Francis

Hi,

I deeply empathise with you. Your pain may be deep, but thank God you still have a life and can make good of it.

As much as it may be hard to fully understand why your wife truly left, it looks to me like this was something she had considered for a time.

There must be issues beyond money that had been simmering for a while and only burst forth after you lost the job.

Twenty-five years together is a lot of time, and can be a source of great pain when a separation occurs.

For you and of us all to learn from your situation, one has to ask several questions, the most important being: What were the key pillars that held your marriage for all those years?

Great families must have open and unreserved communication, mutual respect and submission, joint financial involvement and team effort in carrying out other family related matters.

As children come into a marriage, there needs to be a joint parenting plan where respect is extended to both parents as the children grow.

It saddens me that your children can actually turn against you so suddenly and so badly.

Could it be that this was long coming but you were not seeing it? Many spouses lose the emotional connection between themselves or with their children because they are too busy.

The other important question to ask is: Were there any unresolved issues in the marriage that may have accumulated with time?

Unresolved issues have a way of eating into a marriage. A couple can get too busy for each other or the children without fully realising the danger that this poses on the marriage and the family.

A couple therefore needs to keep working at the relationship so as to get rid of any baggage.

What kind of relationship did you have with your children as they grew? What made them turn around and end up insulting you?

Their actions, without a doubt, are the height of indiscipline, which may have grown out of some kind of resentment.

I pray that you will find it within you the heart to forgive them. They are your flesh and blood.

The pain coming from such hurt from your children can be so deed and at times difficult to bear, but God will give you the grace.

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Hi Kitoto,

I was married for 16 years and was happy with the marriage until I was laid off because of illness.

My wife changed suddenly and left me. For the 10 years I was employed, I was well paid. I trusted my wife with everything, even giving her power of attorney to do any business she wanted to engage in while I was away.
I have tried to talk to her but she only refers me to her lawyer. She has filed for divorce and is already staying with another man.

We had two children and she does not want me to see them as well.

How do I go about recovering what we had (property) when we were together?

I don’t have money to hire a lawyer. Sometimes I feel like taking my life to end this suffering. Please help me.

Hi,
I am really sorry for the pain you have been through, both physically and emotionally.

I personally feel that her actions were totally inhumane.

You may need to visit a counsellor so as to deal with the trauma you are facing.

The feeling of taking your own life is not good and is unnecessary. Life is precious and worth thanking God for.

Allow God to heal your pain so that you can be sober enough to face the many issues you have.

There are many organisations that can offer you help, starting with the lawyer you used initially to give your wife power of attorney.

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Hi
I’m a lady aged 24 and about three months ago, I met a man who is 10 years older than me.

He claims to love me but I also know that he is in a relationship with another woman.

He claims that he doesn’t really love this other woman but he is unable to kick her out of his life. Their families have already met.

I love this guy and he is ready to marry me, but I’m worried I might end up being a second wife. What should I do?

Hi,

I think you have painted the picture very well for yourself. I also wonder if he really loves you.

He can’t claim to love you while on the other hand he has a person he is living with.

Please open your eyes to the manipulation and lies that are being laid out before you — he does not love you, I do not see it.

His priorities speak loud and clear but sadly, you seem to choose not to see the writing on the wall.

You are not a part of his future as a wife (unless as a second wife) which seems you can see but are unwilling to run away from. Do yourself a favour, run and don’t look back. There is no hope here.

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Hi Philip,

I am 22 years old. A while back, I got into a relationship with a 29-year-old mother of one.

At the beginning of the relationship, I warned her that I couldn’t marry her because she was older than me and she had a child.

She agreed with this. So we stayed together as lover for about two months before I came to my senses and realised that I was abusing myself.

I asked her that we end the relationship but she refused and even told me that she was pregnant with my child.

Please advise me on what to do because I don’t want to continue in this relationship.

Hi,

If this woman is pregnant as a result of you sleeping with her, then you are probably responsible for the baby.

What I fail to understand is how you could sleep with a woman you do not love and don’t wish to marry.

This is sad and it tells me one thing; you need to re-evaluate your values and stand in life.

What do you really live for? You should not let your desire for sex drive you into using your body in this way only to later regret.

I must encourage both of you to be sincere about your outlook on life and to each other.

If this baby is not yours, you have to prove otherwise.

But if it is, then you remain responsible and may need to seat down with her and map the way forward.

You have to be responsible for your actions.

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Hi Kitoto,

I am a 25-year-old single mother of one and working.

I have been in a relationship with a 32-year-old guy for one year now and we love each other a lot.

The problem is that his ex, with whom he has a child, has been stalking us and embarrassing us even in public, claiming that I stole her husband and the father of her child from her.

I have waited patiently for her to get tired but she won’t stop.

He had told me their relationship didn’t work because she changed four months after their child was born.

They had even moved in together before she moved out and took the child with her.

She has refused to grant him custody over the child.

Please advise me on what to do because this guy wants to see my parents to ask for my hand in marriage.

Hi,

I am surprised that it is you making contact with your husband’s former girlfriend.

It should not be you trying to deal with her since this could work out negatively for you later.

Encourage him to deal with his issues to completion.

I am not sure whether the previous relationship was officially recognised and accepted by his parents, but there is a child to that relationship.

Therefore, you must ensure that through your actions, you do not actually become a husband snatcher.

If they had a relationship that was short-lived and non-committal, then encourage him to clean up his past, let you know what will happen to the child legally and then determine what to do when you are satisfied with the situation.