Girlfriend, this is how not to have, (and keep) him

I was recently regaled to a story of a girl who got dumped. Nothing new. Only that she had been given the boot for the umpteenth time, and she has never done the dumping. She is a resilient one though as she is ready to get hooked up again.

From what I gathered, resilience is her good side, but stubbornness will be her eventual undoing. She won’t take anybody’s advice on what not to do during a first date, or a 60th outing.

Not that I am flawless when it comes to relationships, but there are guidelines that every amateur should know. This is a letter to the professional ‘dumpees’:

1 Do not give men money just so they can find you useful. They will find your money useful, and you desperate.

2 Do not pull seats for a man — I mean, even men are no longer chivalrous like that, but for a woman to pull a seat for the man? Criminal!

3 Gender equality aside; on a first date, women should never settle the bill. Unless, of course, you are looking for a gigolo.

4 Never ever talk about your exes, especially on a first date, and never should you list their negative attributes. Relationships are not a guarantee, and when you go on and on about what a loser your ex was, your date will start imagining you talking about him to the next man.

5 Please, do not list the number of partners you have had, whether it is the truth, edited or exaggerated version. Just wrong. Honesty is good in a relationship, but such honesty is unnecessary.

Every man wants to believe his girlfriend was a virgin before he met her. Listing your male conquests makes you come out like the village slut.

6 Even when you are desperate, do not advertise that fact to him. Waiting for a man for an hour is bad enough, four hours is criminal. What is worse?

Letting him do it to you twice. Traffic in the city might be bad, but not that bad. Somebody who always makes you wait for hours on several occasions is deliberately doing that.

7 No matter how ugly you reckon you are, you cannot tell a potential boyfriend that you do not think you are beautiful. People will see what you want them to see.

You are your own mirror, and the minute you do not think you are beautiful, your confidence and self-esteem go down the city council drainage, and nobody will want to touch you. Besides, you put the man in a fix.

However much men do not want to admit it, they expect us to ask them whether ‘we look fat in this’. That question is as old as — well, anorexia I guess.

But asking a man whether he thinks you are ugly? Suicidal!

8 Finally, being single is not a crime and people will not think you are weird.

Single days are important for soul searching, self discovery, and to demonstrate to yourself that you are good company to yourself.