He sold my car and stole my money, but I married him

Hello Philip,

I started reading this column recently, and I must commend you and your team for the good job you are doing.

I have a problem with my marriage (who doesn’t?) and I’m confused. I don’t even know what my next move should be. I have been married for 11 years now and we have four wonderful children. Our problems started even before we got married. I had a car while I was single and, because he was my boyfriend, he would borrow it every now and then.

However, he upset me once when he borrowed the car and didn’t return it until the next day. It was not even him who brought it back, but his friend. I also once realised that Sh3,000 was missing from my bedroom, and came to learn that he had taken the money and used it on women the previous night. We fought about it and he apologised.

We maintained this state of affairs until I discovered that I was pregnant. Then we had to start arranging a wedding. At around that time my car went missing. Since I had moved back to my parents’ house, I had given him the car to use. Every time I asked him about it he kept telling me that it was parked at his brother’s.

After a week or so he asked for the log book so that he could transfer the ownership to me. Since I had not changed it after I bought the car, I gave him the log book. That was the last I saw of the log book and the car. Later, I discovered that he had sold the car to pay my bride price.

We went ahead and got married, and I’m ashamed to say that I financed most of the wedding. He had been jobless for a long time, but I understood his situation and supported him. Now I regret it.

He did other weird stuff like stealing my cheque book and borrowing money from a shylock. When I got another car, he would ask for money to service it, but spend it on other things. He even once took my sister’s mobile for repair but sold it.

After some time I lost my job and we had a very rough time. To pay rent, my husband started selling our household items. He started with the TV, then the Hi-Fi system and eventually the cooking range... most of which had been given to us as gifts on our wedding day.

To add to my frustrations, he started being unfaithful. This really depressed me and I stopped being sexually attracted to him. It was so bad that it led to my first relationship outside holy matrimony... only a year into marriage.

Now I’m emotionally tired. I’m no longer sexually attracted to him. The children love him dearly and he is a wonderful dad. Since I grew up in a stable family, I don’t want to deny my kids that. On the other hand, I realised I don’t love him any more, even though I like being around him because he is funny and interesting.

Single mothers are stigmatised and I want the respect that comes with having a husband. At the same time, I sometimes wish that I didn’t care about the respect. This is LIFE, not a rehearsal of it.

I was never a materialistic woman, but I have vowed never to date or encourage a woman to date a broke man. They are never up to any good.

My man “got saved” six months ago (for the second time) and he says that God hates divorce, and that we should work it out. I also quote the same Bible and tell him that God demands that a man provides for his wife.

Is there hope for us?

Sarah.

Hi Sarah,

Let me state from the beginning that: 1) your relationship was built on the wrong foundation, and 2) you allowed yourself to be deceived for a long time. I believe you could have done better right from the start.

Taking time pays. While the right time to find out a person’s character is when you are dating, this is also the hardest thing to do.

Therefore, taking time to know the person through the various channels that present themselves is important. When two people are dating, they each want to show the other their good side.

They become what I like to call “public relations experts”. They know their strengths and they make sure that this is what they want their date to see. But if one is keen enough, gaps will always show up as the dating goes on. Certain things will not add up. Do not ignore such moments.

When the two get into marriage, further disclosure takes place. However, many get to see their partners’ weaknesses for the first time late into the marriage.

Brothers and sisters, let me make it clear that it is not wrong to date a jobless man. Maybe he is hardworking but nothing has come his way.

This you will be able to see by how hard he works to try to get a job. A clear sign of a lazy man is one who is jobless and is doing nothing to change the situation. While dating, take note of the small signs, for these will be a clear indicator of the person’s character.

Now, Sarah, if your spouse steals from you, this is a clear sign of trouble. This guy sold your car without your permission, stolen your money, and committed many other felonies. This is a major character flaw that needs to be remedied.

Since he says he is now born again, visit your pastor with him for counselling. Table your issues and seek reconciliation if there is a willingness to change and build a godly character.

The future of this marriage must be pegged on a desire to sit together before a counsellor and discuss the issues that hurt the relationship.

Being saved is one step, showing the fruit of repentance is another.

All the best!

******

Hello,

Thank you for the good work you are doing. I am aged 29 and a mother of one. I separated from the father of my child one-and-a-half-years ago after a disagreement that blew out of proportion.

I had been suspecting him of being a smoker, even though he had denied being hooked to the habit. One day I caught him puffing away at his joint and after I confronted him, he beat me up thoroughly.

I just couldn’t stand his hypocrisy and there was no way of knowing how many other secrets he kept from me. I developed a bad attitude towards him and men in general.

However, there is this guy who came into my life just the other day and I feel attracted to him, although I’m afraid of getting hurt again in case things do not work out between us. I had sworn never to love again, but now I’m confused about this new development.

He is good looking and has mannerisms to match. He is also comfortable with my past. Do you think starting a fire with him would be the right thing for me to do?

Thank you,

Salome.

Hi Salome,

As we have stated before in this column, violence of any kind — be it verbal, physical or psychological — should never be condoned in any marriage or relationship. I am unable to comprehend why your child’s father hid the smoking habit from you.

However, this should not have driven your marriage to the rocks. I believe there are ways this issue could have been resolved. I also think there must have been other underlying issues in your marriage that slowly weakened it. Communication, which is central to any relationship, was obviously lacking here. I am not sure that you found out why he became a smoker and the reason behind the violence.

Marriage must be built on the principle of oneness, trust, and treating each other with respect. I cannot guarantee whether the new relationship will be a bed of roses. You must ensure that you have sorted out all the fears you gathered from your previous relationship.

Are there issues you need to remedy so that you can be a good wife? Are you being driven by love or are you on the rebound? All relationships go through tough patches and they only survive through the will of both partners.

I am glad that you have told this new man in your life where you are coming from. Just ensure that he is not acting as a stop gap for something that you were missing. Be sure this is what you want and are ready for. Honesty is paramount.

Finally, be sure that you have learned all you need to know about your current boyfriend before you commit. I wish you well.

******

Hello,

I enjoy reading your column and it has made me realise that people go through a lot in life.

Here is my dilemma: I met a man in 2004 and, two years later, we were blessed with a baby girl. During the courtship, I opened up to him and told him everything about myself and my family. I was dismayed when I later learnt that he had all along lied to me about himself and his background.

After the baby came, the guy kept his distance and I was miserable. He did not even assist in paying the maternity bill even though I had exhausted my insurance package. But I consoled myself that he would change.

Two years later, he lost his father. I only came to know about it from the obituaries. He had kept it to himself and only mentioned it in passing when I asked him whether he planned to visit my parents.

Even though we had been dating for years, he never bothered to tell me where he lived and always preferred to spend the time at my place rather than at his.

What irritated me even more was that he made no effort to understand me, help me bring up the baby, support me, meet my family even though I knew everyone from his side, and to come out straight with me. Eventually, I got fed up and told me off. I was better off without him.

He then started sending me insulting messages, telling me I was nothing but a poor civil servant who would need his riches to survive, and that he could rent me his servant’s quarters to bring up the baby.

I ignored the insults and moved on. With time, he faded off the radar and all went quiet. Then late last year he wrote me an apologetic SMS, and assured me that he was reformed and would like us to get back together again. I ignored him. Months later we bumped into each other and he told me that he was ready to meet my parents and that he would refund every single cent I had spent on the child.

My question is: Why is this man torturing me psychologically? He ignored me when I needed him most and didn’t even care whether our baby went to school or not. Now he is back in my life, haunting me and insisting that he is my baby’s father and that I have to give him a chance to be a father once again.

have brought up the baby alone, and were it not for the fact that the guy is self-employed, I’d have gone to the Children’s Department to seek financial support from him.

What do I do now?

Hi Karo,

I sense confusion, regret, and a feeling of abandonment. I also feel that the two of you were not formally married. The psychological torment and trauma you have been through cannot be underestimated.

First of all, I find it peculiar that you did not know where your boyfriend was staying. What guarantees did you have so that you allowed him into your life to the extent that the two of you decided to have a baby? You did not know enough about this man to allow him that deep into your life.

This man could be having another life elsewhere. Your finding out about the death of his father by accident leaves many unanswered questions, and I really do not understand how you could allow yourself to be deceived so much.

By sending you threatening and intimidating SMSs about his riches, he has one intention; to manipulate you and make you come running back to him because of the promise of “good living”.

Move on and raise your child as you have always done... alone. Try to forgive him for his ignorant and the hurt he has caused you, for this is the one way that will enable you to break the hold that he has on you and give you a new start.

Don’t allow the baggage in your past to be a part of your present life. The psychological torture he has put you through is inexcusable.

Please move on and report to the police any further abusive SMSs from him. This man is a liar.