He is cheating on me, so why can’t I cheat on him too?

Dear Kitoto,

We married six years ago. That very year, he started cheating on me. After delivering our first-born daughter, I decided to go back to my parents despite being pregnant with my second child. He tried to convince me to go back and I refused. He decided to come with his parents, who, due to the pregnancy, convinced me to go back.

To cut a long story short, he once took the other woman to his mother. Our pastor tried to resolve the issue to no avail. What bothers me is that despite being in a rocky marriage, I decline all other men who approach me.

My husband is now 50 and I am 30. Is the age difference the problem, bearing in mind that the other woman is older than me? Family planning did not work for me and as I write this email, I am carrying another pregnancy.

I am a Christian but I am now contemplating backsliding and engaging in alcohol and extramarital affairs because it seems God has abandoned me. Please advise me on what to do. 

Desperate wife

Hi,

I believe that entering any dating or marriage relationship is a choice made by each of us. God gave us the power of choice, but we are accountable for the outcome of such choices. Your husband has made choices that present certain consequences. If he truly loves you, then his actions should show this.

I fear that you are tempted to react out of pain and frustration. When you act out of a desire to revenge and without a clear and sober mind concerning the consequences of your actions, you will be setting yourself up for further trouble. Two wrongs cannot make a right.

As a believer, you have a responsibility to act according to God’s word. First action is to bring the issue to the offender. It seems this is what you have done. Second is to bring the issue to the offender in the presence of another witness. If the offender does not repent, then the case should come before the church.

If the offender is rebellious, then there is nothing more you can do but to let them move according to their choices. Backsliding and engaging in alcohol will do nothing but destroy your future and that of your children.

My relationships don’t last; I can’t tell why
Dear Kitoto,

I have a big problem: Every time I get into a relationship, it does not last. The  longest relationship I have ever had lasted only six months. The men I date either only want sex or end up with another girl.

I do not know what to do because I would like to have a relationship that lasts longer. Do I have a problem? Please help.

Joy

Hi,

First, I do not think you have a problem pursuing relationships or looking attractive to men out there. However, being attractive and creating a relationship is not enough. Learning how to make a relationship work without getting a feeling of being used is key.

So far, it looks as if the men you fall in love with look for just one thing — sex. However, I encourage you to be value-driven so that there can be something you can still be proud of — your integrity. Compromise has left many regretting and wishing they could turn back the clock.

My question to you is simple: Would you rather have a man who values you only in bed or would you want to be appreciated for who you are? I suggest that you define for yourself the kind of man you want to date. Once you have done that, live by your values and let these values attract the man who will love you for who you are.

Finally, it would help if you engaged someone who desires meaningful dialogue to help bring a common stand on issues or morality. Be your own woman and seek to get satisfaction from doing what is right and in line with your beliefs. In this way, you will be willing to die for what you stand for without compromising.

My husband says I made him polygamous

Dear Kitoto,

I am 27 and I have been married since 2010. In 2011, my husband started cheating on me but when I confronted him, he denied it. He eventually told me about her and since then, we have been distant. I moved to a job that forced me to leave the town we were living in.

After settling down at work, I was given the chance to live anywhere but he declined to have me live with him. I later found out that he had moved in with the other woman. They now have a child together.

We have not seen each other for more than a year now. And recently, he came to see me to discuss the situation.

He started by saying that he wants to have two wives, which I could not accept, and he also mentioned that my weaknesses are the ones that drove him to the other woman.

I am really hurt and my self-esteem has suffered. I feel as if no one will accept me for who I am.

I have accepted the situation and I am also trying to work on my weaknesses, but how do I live knowing that I drove my husband away despite us having a child together? Will we ever be together or should I accept that we are over? Please help because I feel lost.

Joan

Hi,

Let me start by saying that your husband has no right to blame you for his actions. If he made a choice to marry another woman, then he should live with that choice and not blame it on you.

I am of the conviction that he should have come to you to sort out any issues he had with you first. The sad thing is that your husband did not even let you know about his intentions.

Let me also add that your husband has no right to turn around and manipulate you by using your weakness against you.

Every person has weaknesses. I believe you too have seen some weakness in him. He would not be happy if you did to him what he is trying to do to you.

My prayer is that you may be sober and not allow his words to kill your self-esteem and worth. You must look at yourself as able and lovable.

As his wife, you have to look carefully at the decisions you are making. I believe you have the right to stand firm for your place in the relationship. If you find it uncomfortable to continue, then make your observations clear and see what decision he will make.

Allow me to tell the other side of the story

Dear Kitoto,

I am a keen reader of your weekly column. I was particularly interested in a letter you got from a woman called Caro (May 13, 2013). According to her, since she got a job, her husband has been acting strange.

My opinion is that you sometimes face difficulties addressing people’s issues because you do not get to hear the other party’s story. When I read her letter, I thought it was my wife because we are in the same situation.

That made me think that if my wife was to write to you, she would write exactly what Caro wrote. What she would have left out is the very reason why I think she should not be working. When she started working, we agreed that she would pay the house help and do the grocery shopping while I pay all the other bills.

But she is unable to do any of that. I am forced to pay the house help and still give her money for food. Recently, she borrowed money from me saying she was broke and promised to pay me back at the end of the month.

I fail to understand how she has used her salary, while I am the one who has paid all the bills. I do not see why she should be working if her salary is not helping anyone (even herself). In fact, we were happier when she was jobless because I used to pay all the bills without complaining. 

Her claim that it is because she is earning peanuts does not make sense since at one point, I used to earn what she is earning now, and I was still doing everything without her help. I am not saying that is what is happening in Caro’s situation, but then again, since we do not have her husband’s story, we can never tell.

Mohamed

Hi,

I totally agree with you. I am sure if you look at my responses in this column, I try to help the one writing to find his or her bearing through the situation facing them.

It takes two to make a relationship work. As a result, letters can only tell one side of the story. But it is that “speaking” that opens up the issue.

A couple that will not team build will find it difficult to act with the best interests of each other at heart. I believe that healing in a relationship is possible only where one party makes the choice of offering an opportunity for negotiations on the issues at hand. Where one of the spouses embraces a life of secrecy, very little will be achieved in building lasting harmony.

Remember, where a husband and wife are seeking greater productivity in the marriage, issues must be disclosed, discussed, and a way forward determined. In most cases, there seems to be an attempt to blame each other.

He made me abort twice

Dear Kitoto,

I am 23. I was in a relationship that never worked out. I dated a man for years and when I got pregnant, he decided that I should have an abortion.

I became pregnant the second time and when I told him about it, he asked me to abort again, but I refused to do it.

He invited me to his place, where he poisoned me and I lost the pregnancy.

I felt used and chose to move on because I found out that he was having an affair with another woman. We have not communicated for a year now, but just the other week, he asked me whether I could accept him back. Can I? Help me because I still love him.

Sly

Hi,

I fear that you are allowing yourself to be used by a man who does not seem to have any values. First, I believe that love is only real if it shows genuine concern. Would you say he really shows genuine concern towards you and your convictions and values? I do not think so.

Second, I am of the conviction that love is sacrificial. I do not see this man making any sacrifices for you or what you believe in. You deserve to be loved and respected and not feel abused and used.

This man made you pregnant twice and made you get rid of the pregnancies. Sad enough is the fact that he poisoned you. I do not know whether you knew of his plot before or afterwards.

My humble submission is that you ask yourself whether your definition of love is what you are getting from this man. If you are confused about going back to him, then there is definitely something wrong with your view of what makes a good relationship.

I pray that you ask yourself whether you are being driven by love or just a fear of being alone. You deserve better, but the choice is yours.

He goes tribal when agitated

Dear Kitoto

I am 28 and I have been married for eight years with two daughters. My husband is Samburu and I am Kikuyu. He has never taken his parents to meet mine. He has visited my parents’ home three times without his parents. We have been fighting a lot and he keeps saying he will marry within his tribe.

Last year, I took a Sh330,000 loan and spent it with him to complete our house, connect power, and buy goats worth Sh70,000.

I saw a message in his Facebook inbox from a married 35-year-old woman who has been having an affair with him.

I went through his documents and I found out that he had removed my name from being his next of kin and listed his parents’ instead. I have been a good respectable wife and everyone in his community admires how I live and the development I have brought to them.

I am also more learned and he does not want me to study further. Please, I need your advice before I leave him.

Angeline

Hi,

In one way, I must commend you for the dedication you have made to help build a house for yourself and your family.

However, there is definitely an issue with how the two of you are relating.

The issues your husband has with your family must come out in the open. Once this is done, it will be easier to seek help. If he keeps on saying that he will marry from his tribe whenever you have an argument about solidifying your marriage, then there are underlying issues that need attention.

This could just be the reason he has this other woman in his life. I would encourage dialogue without accusations with the aim of winning him back into the marriage.

Give him reason to leave this other woman. If he has a better reason to be with this other woman, then there is nothing you can do to tie him down. I encourage you to improve your career.

Just ensure that it does not compromise the safety and wellbeing of your marriage and family. But if his reasons are driven by the desire to manipulate you, then ignore his concerns.

After all, he has to show you beyond reasonable doubt that your pursuit of education is being done at the expense of the relationship.

This man seems to want only sex

Dear Kitoto,

I am 20 and I have been in a relationship for three years. Since we started dating, my boyfriend has never taken me out. Any time he wants us to meet, we do so at his house.

He is always secretive and I only came to know about his family after one year and only after I threatened to leave him.

Any time we meet, it is always about sex and afterwards he suggests that we leave. At least he always makes sure that I arrive home safely.

If I refuse to have sex, he becomes angry and accuses me of having an affair. In March this year, I found out that he had been having another affair for three years. Because of love, I forgave him.

He does not trust me and whenever I am chatting or even standing with another man, he gets furious.

I have complained to him many times to change his attitude and be more romantic and he says he will. But he does not.

I do not know whether he is only after sex or if he has a problem that makes him that way. Please help me. I love him and cannot afford to lose him.

Cecile

Hi,

I guess the ball is in your court. You are now the one to give me some answers on why you really feel you love him and cannot lose him. You have mentioned things that have caused you concern, such as his failure to be romantic, always seeking to have sex, and not trusting you with other people.

The question is whether your concerns are big enough to warrant an ending of the relationship. Is going out and being appreciated important to you? Do you feel he is using you and treating you as a sex object?

In any relationship, either partner must feel valued and important. I really do not see these two factors in your relationship. You need to think about loving yourself and coming up with ways of finding fulfilment in who God has made you.

Do not allow your man to use you as a sex object unless you are also an equal partner in the glorification of sex beyond the building of lasting values of marriage.