I am 30 and married. We have two sons, one of whom my wife had before we met. Two months ago, I found out that she is married to another man, who is the father of the boy.
What can I do to get out of this mess? Should I run away and start a new life because I even lost my job because of the resultant stress?
Your question is not quite clear. However, I will attempt to respond because I see yours as a very interesting scenario. You married your wife while she had one child, and I am assuming that the second child is yours.
If your wife lied to you that she was single when she was actually married, I suggest that you let her go back to her husband.
Otherwise you would be considered to be in an adulterous relationship if you continued living with her.
That said, I would like to ask how it is possible that you could marry a married woman. Is it a come-we-stay relationship or are you legally married?
If, indeed, you are officially married and yet she is still married to the other man, then it could be that you did not do your homework well and you need to untangle yourself.
Secondly, you need to think of what will happen to your child. If both children are not yours, then you need to let her continue her marriage and move on.
I’m trying hard to match my wife’s colourful past
I am a married man aged 29. When I was a child, my aspiration was to be a celibate priest, so I kept females at bay. After realising that this was not my calling, I quickly changed my plans for the future.
I eloped at the age of 27 after securing a well-paying job. However, before my fiancée moved in, I was involved with another woman.
After my wife moved in, she told me the story of her colourful love life and I felt that I was lagging behind, so I decided to have more sexual adventures to match her adventures.
My wife is suspicious, but I am careful. I have four “clandes” and I want to leave them, but none is ready to be dropped. Is this some sort of obsessive compulsive disorder, or I am being a social misfit? Please advise me because I do not know where I am heading.
As I read your mail, I wondered what happened to the values you once upheld as you pursued priesthood. I urge you to weigh your choices. Our choices are based on our thought patterns, beliefs, and values.
As a result, the actions we find ourselves gravitating towards are usually the result of choices based on such beliefs.
You have made a choice to see other women while aware of the consequences. If you are to get satisfaction from your wife, you have to make wise investments in the relationship. Continuing to cheat on her will only aggravate the situation.
Your actions are likely to open the door to a promiscuous life. I suggest that you first acknowledge that your actions are hurting your wife and pulling your marriage apart.
Two, consider the consequences of your promiscuous behaviour, which is not only expensive and morally wrong, but could bring deeper pain through disease. This alone should scare you.
Finally, choices need to be made that add value to the relationship. If such choices are hard to make, I would encourage you to find a counsellor with whom to talk through the issues.
I doubt if girls can keep their promises of love
I am 23 years old and have been in a relationship for about four months now. I had not been in a relationship for two-and-a-half years before I started dating this girl.
She made the first move by sending me a text message, saying that she was in love with me. I also had feelings for her but was not sure about them.
However, after she sent me the message, I accepted her as my girlfriend. The problem is that nowadays we do not text each other as regularly as we used to. Often she does not reply my text messages and sometimes fails to accept my calls.
Should I also go silent until she calls me? I want to know if when a girl falls for you it is only for a short period or if it is something that lasts.
Falling in love these days is different from truly loving someone for who they are. I am of the opinion that a couple wanting to date must first evaluate the reasons that draw them together. These must be strong enough to go beyond feelings.
I suspect that this girl could have had a crush on you, but it did not last and she moved on. On the other hand, people who initially claim to be in love but do not follow it up with tangible actions that show love and commitment may have encountered something that has affected that flow of love.
If you think there is something worth remaining committed to, then you may need to find out why she went quiet. As you do this, be ready to face the fact that she could have moved on.
He’s earned his degree, I’ve lost my sweet love
I am a 23-year-old woman and have been dating a 25-year-old man for a year. Our relationship was going well until he completed his degree course and went to Nairobi. Now he only calls or texts after two to three weeks or when I complain.
When we argue, he ignores the issue and cuts communication for weeks. Recently, we argued over his not calling and his excuse was that he does not have money. However, I doubt this because he tells me about the many places that he has been visiting with his friends in Nairobi.
On the other hand, there is this cute guy that I met recently in the course of my work. He is interested in me and treats me like a queen, but I am yet to tell him about my relationship.
I am confused because I feel that my boyfriend does not love me any more. Do you think he still loves me or should I break up with him? If yes, how do I go about it when he ignores any issue that we need to talk about? Should I give in to this other guy’s advances?
My question is whether you are sure about what a woman looks for in a potential husband. The answer to this question should guide you. What qualities stand out for you in either of these men? Are these values and qualities you can live with? Treating someone nicely is different from being the kind of man that will make a good husband and father.
You must realise that you are emotionally deprived and that the possibility of you being “love-blind” is high.
Your greatest need right now may not necessarily be the only thing you will need to keep the marriage live.
Marriage is a whole package. Therefore, take time to study this new man if you truly feel that the first one lacks what it takes to make a good husband.
Secondly, honesty is the best policy and must be applied in how you handle yourself and these two men. You may need to detach yourself from the first man, but do it in a healthy way that will not leave you feeling wasted. Let your moving on be guided by principles and facts.
Choose to be of sound mind as you make such evaluations. Your choice of partner should be guided by lasting, not temporary, values.
I am always tired and cannot think straight
I have a serious problem that started six years ago; I cannot concentrate on anything and I think negatively all the time. When I am doing an exam, I cannot think deeply and I end up feeling tired of thinking critically.
Also, nothing excites me and I am always angry. I have tried five counsellors but nothing seems to work. Please help.
If you seem to get tired easily even after eating well, sleeping enough at night, and resting well during the day, then there is cause for concern. In addition, this is causing you to lack concentration in your studies and, in turn, making you anxious.
It is believed that 25 per cent of people report high levels of tiredness throughout their lives. But constant fatigue can be bad for your health and immune system. In some people, one’s habits and daily engagements might be the major contributing factor to tiredness.
On the other hand, although rest is good, your problem might be that you are having too much rest.
Here are some issues you might need to evaluate since they could easily contribute to your fatigue: First is whether you are bored with your studies. It is interesting how much your attitude towards life affects how you feel.
Second, consider whether you are feeling frustrated about certain matters that you feel are important to you. Third is the need to visit a doctor to check if you have any medical condition that could be the reason you are not functioning at full potential.
Note, also, that the less physical activity one is engaged in, the higher the chances of feeling tired and bored. I suggest that you try eating well, increase your daily physical activity and if you feel too sleepy, try to reduce the amount of time you sleep daily.
He never thinks of the future, I’m leaving him
I am 33 years old and have been married for 13 years. My husband is 48 and we have three children. My so-called husband does not have a vision; he does not care about tomorrow, does not invest, and we do not compare notes.
I am tired of this. All he cares about are his friends. I am just an object to him and he does not care when I am sick, want to make my hair, need to buy clothes.
He earns money but he does nothing for the family. I am worried about my children’s future. I am bored with him to the extent that we sleep separately.
I sense a lot of frustration in your words. It looks to me like the two of you are on different tangents. There is nothing as bad as feeling as if you are being used. I sympathise with you and pray that you will work on your inner healing.
First, establish what caused this disconnect. Did you start noticing these tendencies before you got married? If not, when did this disconnect start happening and what could have caused it?
Sometimes, if a couple does not spend time together, it could be the result of lack of things in common to connect them. Merger areas help to build what two married people stand for.
Therefore, during discussions, a couple must discover these areas, which could range from the food they like and the types of clothes they wear to what values to uphold in the marriage.
Good relationships must develop these areas of agreement, remembering that two people cannot walk together unless they agree.
It is fundamentally crucial that we develop emotional agreement areas, financial agreement principles, and spiritual agreement partnerships that will form part of the merger areas or common platforms of agreement.
Second, ask yourself what it will take to go this journey or retrace and re-build the broken walls. Right now, you feel exposed, alone, and used. This has affected you negatively.
Your journey to healing will have to start with you learning to accept and rebuild your self-worth, who you are as a person. This will help you know that you are special and important and bring about the need to absolve yourself of blame.
This is key in gaining perspective. The baggage of how you have been treated, the fears you have about the relationship and the children’s future must be dealt with a sound mind.
Finally, vision in marriage does not just come; the couple must work at painting it. That is why the issues I have mentioned about agreement are key in charting your way forward. Simply stated, vision is the picture of your preferred future.
The dream of the kind of marriage both of you want must come from a joint table of discussion; there are no two ways about it. Maybe it is time you and your husband visited a mentor or counsellor.
Ten ways to make her heart melt
Learning to develop long-lasting mature love is vital for every relationship. Men and women are different in the way they view and process information. Since marriage requires both work and pleasure, I would like to entice my fellow men with 10 practical ways of showing love to your wife.
Make her feel important by understanding her feelings.
Ask her opinion frequently and show that you value what she says.
Be gentle and tender towards her, particularly when correcting her.
Be trustworthy by sharing information without waiting for her to hear about it from someone else,
Show her that you genuinely need her and that you prefer her over others.
Defend her publicly and privately from external aggressors.
Get rid of habits that annoy her.
Be creative in the way you express your love in words or actions.
Take time to sit and talk about everything and anything.
Allow her to correct you without putting up defences.
Do this remembering that what we plant we will definitely reap. Good actions followed by a positive attitude do a lot to spice up a marriage for romance and greatness. A wife needs to feel affirmed, loved, and valued by her man.
This means that every man must work at making his wife feel free to help him without fearing retaliation. A man who cultivates freedom with responsible behaviour in his relationship will help the woman own the marriage and operate at her maximum potential.
Ladies, you are not off the hook! Next week, look out for 10 ways to show love to your man.