Help, these bad habits may cost me the love of my life

• Identifying your weaknesses, and recognising the hold they have on your life is the first step towards healing

Hallo Philip,

I am a broken soul seeking help. The source of my agony is an addiction I got into 11 years ago, and which I have laboured to get out of for the past five years without success. My problem is pornography.

I have shared this problem with a couple of people at my church in a bid to get help, but when I fell, they faded away (although I must admit that I was not as serious as I should have been).

A few years ago, I met a girl in church and fell in love with her. I tried to avoid getting into anything serious with her because I knew that being what I am, I did not deserve her.

So I kept my feelings to myself and did not say as much as a Hi. When I finally did, I found that she was taken, but we had a great friendship for a short time. I soon moved on because I could not stand the pain and we rarely communicated. Last year I told her how I felt and we have since been in touch.

It is my belief that God has brought her into my life for a reason and I have been crying and praying every night that God changes me and makes my life beautiful with her.

Deep within, I know that if I do not change I will lose her. Please help me find a programme that helps sex addicts, a support group, or a counsellor. I want to change, not just for her, but more importantly for God.

Hi,

We are all here for a reason and therefore need to do the best we can with our lives and our skills. But we also have to fight vices that would otherwise put us down. Our upbringing, exposure, and discipline play an important role in how we live.

I am glad that you are clear on what is pulling you back. Identifying your weaknesses and recognising the hold they have on your life is the first step towards healing.

Second, knowing that God has given other people skills that can help us overcome our weakness enables us to become better learners. This kind of attitude is key in overcoming addictions of every kind. Reach out to a counsellor and commit to complete the given sessions.

Healing does not come in a day with such addictions. Since sex has a lot to do with the mind, we need to reform the mind and the heart.

Because what you think is as important as what you do, there is a need to ensure that you are exposed to things that will influence good thoughts.

Therefore, your associations will be vital in building healthy practices. Remember that healing will happen only if you have personal resolve. If this resolve does not exist, then seeking support systems will not help.

***********************

Hi Kitoto,

I am a 22-year-old woman and have a boyfriend who unconditionally loves me. Late last year, I met my ex (my boyfriend while I was in Class Seven). He had introduced me to love, but he was transferred and we were not able to meet because I was in high school.

He told me that he still loves me and that he wants to marry me and has been insisting on meeting my parents, but I keep postponing this because of mu current boyfriend.

Although my ex says he is not married, I doubt this because one night a woman called me using his phone number and asked me some funny questions (he later convinced me that he had left his phone with his cousin as the battery was charging and that she must have been the one who called me).

What should I do? I fear that my current boyfriend will know about this. I also love my ex.

Hi,

At the age of 22, you have the chance to make things right, so try not to make things muddy and confused for yourself. You say your current boyfriend loves you unconditionally. I do not know what you mean by that, but it looks like you are suspicious of his actions and movements.

Ask yourself who of these two men do you truly see yourself having a good future with. Your explanation is too short for me to give you detailed advice, but if you truly love your former boyfriend, then let him know.

Later, talk issues over. If you do not clear the mess now, it will catch up with you later.

**********************

Kitoto,

I am 23 years old and recently met a charming guy. He is really sweet and kind but I have discovered that he is two years my junior. So should I continue in this relationship or is it wrong for a girl to date a younger guy?

Hi,

The question for you should be, “Does he love me in return?” Can you confirm this? Is the relationship in the open or is it still in the stages where you are admiring him and he has no idea?

A two-year difference in age is not a problem as long as he sees it the same way. If he truly loves you and has decided that he wants you in his life, then I do not see the age being a problem.

Just ensure that there is full disclosure on this issue. Since you are older, try not to appear to be the driver of the relationship as many men will later turn around and accuse the woman of being domineering and controlling by virtue of their age.

**********************

Hi Philip,

I am 23 years old, just completed college, and in a stable job. Early last year I got out of a messy relationship and ended up in the arms of a 30-year-old, even though I knew he was married. It started off lightly but early this year I realised I was in love with him. I am sure that he is in love with me, but he does not want to accept it.

I am now even more troubled because he took a transfer so that he could be with his wife, who recently had a baby. It has dawned on me that I may be losing him, but I do not want to act desperate, although I know that they are not officially married. Please advise.

Hi,

Your problem started when you allowed yourself to get into the arms of this married man. The man has moved to be near his wife, so it will be wise of you to let them build their relationship.

I would suggest that you move on and refocus your life. At 23, you are still young and able to make a better life for yourself. I fear that if you do not take active steps to move on, this situation will continue to be an unnecessary source of pain and hurt for you.

***********************

Hi Kitoto,
I am 32 years old, married to a man who is 20 years older than me, and we are blessed with a four-year-old child. We have been together for eight years now, but things do not seem to be working anymore.

About a year ago, we separated after he hit me, but we later reconciled after he apologised and promised never do it again. He also promised to stop drinking. I now feel deceived because, although he is no longer violent, whenever he has money, he drinks daily and comes home late at night.

I am really tired of his behaviour and tempted to get myself a younger man who will love me and give me the attention that I deserve. Should I give this marriage one last chance?

Hi,

The question of alcoholic husbands who end up being violent, promiscuous, or irresponsible is becoming a major concern. What you have is an addict, a condition that is easy to get into but difficult to quit.

I believe that what you have been through as a family is tied to the fact that your husband is addicted to alcohol. It is important for you to accept this fact so that you can take the necessary steps to help him. I am glad that he stopped being physically abusive.

There are several reasons why people become alcoholics. These include peer pressure, exposure during childhood, and social associations.

Some people drink alcohol but do not get addicted, while others become alcoholics. The reasons for this could be a combination of factors.

Researchers are working to pinpoint the genes that increase a person’s risk of becoming an alcoholic in order to develop medications that can treat alcoholism.

Alcohol alters the balance of chemicals in the brain. As a result, the body craves alcohol to restore pleasurable feelings and avoid negative feelings. This may explain why some people drink to forget their troubles.

I am not sure when your husband started to drinking, but young people often start drinking because they saw their parents do it, or their friends are doing so. Could it be that he developed this through some conditioning?

As you may have noticed, alcoholism results in problems such as lying, losing interest in family, irritability, and irresponsibility.

The easy way out is to give up on him, but many people find themselves trapped in this cycle and habit and cannot get help. Think of an addicted person as one stuck in a pit or quick sand. Breaking out of such a habit is not easy. Such people, although they may appear strong, may be in desperate need of help.

Try to figure out the issues or circumstances that may have led to your husband’s drinking problem. This will ensure that you deal with the root cause, not just the symptoms or the resultant issues.

As you work through the issues, remember that you are still his best friend — he may not show it, but that is why he wanted you back. You are probably the only person in the world who understands him.

He has shown some progress in ending the violence, so we can hope for more. Even though he may not show any other signs of recovery any time soon, your constant assurance may be the best way to help get him start this important journey to seek help and to recover.

There are many organisations that help alcoholics. Consider talking to them for help. But if there is a recurrence of the violence, report the matter to the police.

You may need to use your wisdom and caring heart to make him desire the necessary change. This must be done with firmness, but without coercion and intimidation. Blame, manipulation, and intimidation will only drive him further away.

Introduce him to friends who will not judge him, particularly at home, when he is not drunk. Involve him in family affairs and be firm about him attending to them. With both of you supporting each other, the future can be bright.