How to handle weighty matters

• Poking fun at fat people is the only acceptable form of discrimination, for public derision is the best form of incentive to help someone lose weight. So, mock your fat friends — as they chase after you to eat you, they will be exercising

Fashion hates fat people, and if all of us were fat, we would only have runways for planes and no one would struggle to keep up with the a la mode Joneses.

If we all gave in to our inner glutton, we will have a range of diseases by 40, and have heart-attacks before we hit retirement. This will negate the need to contribute to the Pension Fund that so many hate.

Being fat will also reduce, drastically, the number of STD transmissions. This is because we will be too fat and lazy to roll over or organise salacious rendezvous. Aids has a cliché preventative: ‘ABCD’, with ‘E’ for ‘empowerment of women’. ‘F’ must be for ‘fat’, because when you are fat you are less attractive and less susceptible to offers for a roll in the hay.

Teenage pregnancies will drop too. Plus you will float better in water.

So there, I said something positive about being big.

Now, where is that sausage?”