I was so jealous of my sister that I ended her love

Hello Philip,

Thanks for the help you are giving to scores through this forum. You are doing a great job.

I’m writing to you because I need your help, and I need it urgently.

I’m married, with two daughters, and the relationship is currently very unsteady... and it is all my fault. Philip, I have become a home-wrecker, and my younger sister is the victim here. She was in a steady relationship for about five years, and I have gone ahead and made her walk away from it.

I realised I was envious of how her love life had turned out to be so smooth while mine was a shambles, so I engineered a plot to have them go separate ways. Her man was the best a woman could ever wish for, and she just couldn’t keep quiet about his heavenly virtues. That turned me green with envy.

Even though her man professes a different religion, and even though he was married to another woman, my sister knew he was the right man for her because his faith allows polygamy, and she was prepared to be the second wife.

The guy is a teetotaller and a keeper. He loved my sister so dearly that it made me come to terms with the fact that I don’t know what being in love is!

Yet, despite all these rare qualities, I still went ahead and twisted the thinkings of my mother and all my relatives about him, yapped to all and sundry about him being older than my sister by 10 years, and capped it all by saying he was not financially stable, and that the faith he professed was not right.

As a result of my lobbying, my sister ran away from a fairly angelic man. Then I pushed her to the arms of another man, whom everyone knew was a player.

Now, after seeing how well you have been campaigning for love and the sustenance of the marriage institution, I realised that I have been a bad person, and wish to do my penance.

Is there any way you could help me bring my sister and her man together? I’m remorseful for all that I have done, and too hurt I can’t even face my sister.

Please help!

Hi,

First, your sister needs an apology from you, whether you like it or not. I don’t know if she knows that you did all you could to kill her marriage, and I pray that God will help her deal with the betrayal from a beloved sister. Remember, sisters are supposed to fight for each other, not each other.

Jealousy can cause big havoc to relationships. Your sister may need to know certain truths from you, and so will her husband. You are really in a tough spot here, and only time and God’s grace can make open the iron doors.

Here you have not only a sister who will fume as soon as she knows what you have done, but also a husband who may start seeing you in a different light.

Second, healing will only take place after the two have seen the folly and the beauty that still awaits their marriage, past the traumatising events that you have caused. Rebuilding trust will have to come between her husband; between her and you; and between her and your parents.

You can do it, and I know you will do it.

So do it, and all the best while at it.

*******

Hi,

I’m a lady aged 30, and eight months pregnant as I write this. I have been married for the last one-and-a-half years, and I regret to say that I only enjoyed my marriage during the first three months.

Since then, my husband has turned into a beast, and beats me up at the slightest opportunity. He is so brutal that my body is all scarred now, and I have developed hearing and sight problems as a result.

After one such violent incident during which he almost killed me, I reported him to a police station, but withdrew the case after he apologised and promised to reform. During a subsequent meeting with his parents over the beatings, he said he was sorry about it, and blamed his actions on the devil.

I thought he would change, especially after I conceived, but he became even worse. The man has a short fuse, and the only way he knows how to solve issues is through kicks and fists. We have even talked to our pastor about it, but nothing is happening.

On a particularly bad day last December, the man slapped me so hard that my nose started bleeding, and, after doctors warned me that my blood level was dangerously low, I decided to call it quits.

I packed my belongings the following day and headed to my parents’ home, who welcomed me and said they would support me and the coming baby. Now my husband, who claims to be born again, has started sending me insulting text messages, and even claims he doubts whether the child I’m carrying is his.

Tell me, Philip, now that this man is denying paternal responsibility of his baby, should I seek the services of the Children’s Department to compel him to take care of his seed? Or should I wait until the baby reaches a certain age to file maintenance proceedings?

Please don’t get me wrong; I still love this man to bits, and I pray to God that he changes his ways. I will not give up on interceding for him in prayer, but, even as I do that, I believe he should be there for his child.

Thank you,

Njeri.

Hi Njeri,

I must apologise, on behalf of your husband and mankind, for the way this man has treated you. Men are called to love their wives. You did well by reporting this abuse to the police so that your husband can understand the seriousness of his actions.

Anger is a dangerous vice. However, there is need to find out what causes the emotions to rise. Is it the way the two of you communicate?

Or does it have something to do with the temperaments both of you have? Many marriages are killed as a result of the way one spouse communicates to the other.

The journey to dealing with anger is at times long and tedious. In order to get control, individuals are encouraged to identify how their parents and grandparents handled anger. What kind of experiences, for example, did your husband go through during his childhood?

Another way would be to look at the tools a couple has always used in sorting problems. Once this has been done, the next step is to identify what is driving this anger. Is it rooted in feelings or hurts of the past; frustration with life’s issues; anxiety and desire for maintaining control; or just a feeling of inadequacy?

This process takes time. Many couples expect too much too quick without any work. As a result, many give up on the way or just choose unorthodox ways of dealing with it. Since you still have hope that this will work someday as you commit to prayer and faith, I also ask you to be wise and not just throw yourself back to the fires that could end up killing you.

Let your parents, on both sides, understand the gravity of the issue. I don’t think any right-thinking parent would want the worst for you.

Remember, you are, at the moment, emotionally hurt, deprived and drained; and you are still carrying scars that remind you of the pain you have been through. Take time to heal and minister to your coming baby. If there is need to visit a counsellor to walk with you as you heal, please do so.

Finally, every action has consequences. Your husband has a responsibility to support you and the child. And how this is handled will affect the future of relationship. Seek legal redress if he doesn’t budge.

******

Hi Philip,

This is to thank you for the good work that you are doing through this forum. It is not easy to knit broken hearts, encourage the discouraged, and give hope to the hopeless. To me, that is a call. Pursue it ’til you fulfil God’s will.

Last week (Jan 17, 2011) was particularly interesting to me, especially your answer to Muthoni, who had written in requesting advice on how to get a man in her life.

The answer was excellent. Since I’m interested in meeting her, could you give me her e-mail address, or give me her contacts?

Thank you, and God bless.

Hi,

On behalf of the team, I humbly accept the compliments, and thank you for your support.

It is unfortunate that we cannot publish anyone’s contacts in this forum because we must remain as objective, neutral and committed to laid down professional standards as much as possible.

However, where the concerned parties agree to a discreet exchange of contacts, we are glad to oblige.

To you, and to the hundreds of others who have shown interest in meeting Muthoni, we shall get back to you privately (if we haven’t already).

Thank you for understanding, and keep reading us.