I’m afraid that I may not make a good father

There are fewer and fewer men who can stand up as role models of good leadership and who are responsible over the wholesome mentoring and coaching of today’s generation.

Many counsellors allude to the fact that the decline of fatherhood is one of the most unexpected and extraordinary trends of our time.

You do not have to be like your father; many successful people, like President Barack Obama, have grown up without having their biological fathers around.

But it is important to note that the presence or absence of a father or mother in the home is of critical importance when it comes to learning how to successfully navigate different areas in life.

Fear is probably the biggest obstacle to success; it keeps us from getting what we need and also keeps us dependent on other people. The absence of a father figure should not limit you.

You seem to be of the view that growing up without a father plays a big part in your lack of leadership or social skills, which has led to feelings of inadequacy, low self-esteem, and insecurity.

These insecurities, if not handled well, will manifest themselves through aggressive behaviour or withdrawal. What you need to do is go beyond your fears and refuse to let them stop you from living your life.
Of importance also is the fact that becoming a man is not just about age. The making of a man is the sum total of many lessons in his life.

Although Kenyan law considers any male aged 18 years and above as an adult, a boy only makes it into the bracket of being a true man after acquiring certain attributes through exposure to various learning experiences.

Such experiences include taking responsibility in times of failure, assuming responsibility when left in charge, embracing discipline, and handling challenging situations.

You need to ask yourself if you have passed through these experiences. If so, then you are slowly but surely building yourself up as a man.

This way, your biological father does not need to be your father figure and you can augment your learning by being around men you can learn from positively, people we call coaches and mentors.

Yes, you will miss the input of a father, but this will not stop your progression if you keep a positive attitude.

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Hi Philip,
I am 44 years old and have been married for 21 years with three children. My husband and I are both in stable jobs. At some point though, my husband was out of a job for nine years and could not support the family. I did so without complaining.

Now, he is so much into supporting his father’s family that even giving pocket money to the children is an issue.

We also barely communicate and intimacy for me has become a mere routine to fulfil a marital obligation; I realised that whether I was in the mood or not, it did not matter to him.

Since he does not have friends, I am equally not expected to have any. He does not even allow visitors, including relatives, to visit us, saying that he grew up in solitude.

I, on the other hand, grew up in a large family, with relatives and visitors around, so I am used to socialising. The children, who are now teenagers, are also not expected to have friends over.