I can’t trust my man with our maid

Hello Philip,

My husband and I have been married for almost seven years now. We are both born-again and wedded in church. My husband is still committed to the Church and is also a good preacher.

After two years of marriage, he started moving out of the house to answer calls on his mobile phone. This made me suspicious and I later found a curious message from a woman.

When I questioned him, he explained that he had lent his phone to a male friend, who used it to write a message to the woman. The woman, he explained, sent the reply to his phone.

After the first baby came, I noticed that he showed a lot of interest in the house-helps that I employed and this made me develop some mistrust in him.

Two years ago I went to the our rural home for a few weeks while I was on my annual leave, and when I came back I noticed he was having regular communication on the phone with a female workmate.

I told him to end it and the calls stopped.

Because of all this back-and-forth, and especially his relationships with women, I am never at ease whenever I find him talking to a woman or whenever he is away.

I cannot trust him with house-helps anymore yet I must have them in the house since I am a working mother.

He lost his job last year and now spends quite some time in the house — with the house-help — and this is killing me. I need him and I need the house-help, but I cannot live with the fact that I have to leave them in the house — alone — every day.

He seems to have this desire to always be around women and this has lowered my self-esteem. Now I wish to be a free spirit, to trust him again (if that is possible), and to forget the past. Please help.

Mary.

Hello Mary,

It is clear that your fears are fuelled by the fact that your husband’s behaviour around women has always been suspect. But as much as your fears are justified, you need to deal with them, otherwise they will work against you.

Worry and anxiety will settle in and cause great damage, not only in your relationship with him, but also on your health. Evaluate the key areas of weakness in the relationship. What are the things you are unhappy with?

From your perspective, what are the causes? Of the issues that are connected with him, is there anything you can do to help deal with them?

This may look like a lot of homework, but it will help you deal systematically with your fears. For example, of the things that you cannot change in him, what percentage of these can you tolerate and believe God to sort out?

What other things require the help of a counsellor? If he is willing to go to a counsellor, then these things can be handled together.