If marriage is such a bad thing, why get into it?

• It is a fact that surviving the marital institution is not a walk in the park. Yet, it is also a fact that this is one of the most beautiful things on this planet, for nothing brings a person more joy than a successful marriage. So, how do we get there? How do we cultivate a culture that values the joy of marital bliss?

"I am fed up with your whining and nagging. Are we ever going to have decent marriage in this place?” yelled Jemo at his wife of six months.

“So you think I’m the problem? What about your late nights out with those friends of yours?” Mercy, his wife, retorted back.

Many marriages hit a rocky plateau soon after the wedding day, and this has raised a lot of questions on the survival of the institution, questions like whether the marital union, as we have known it for centuries, has any future.

And whether, based on the current divorce rate, there are any love struck young people out there who would still want to get married.

Let me start by looking at some common myths that scare many potential spouses; myths that, if not dealt with, will weaken the bond on which the marriage is built.

1 Why try where millions have failed?

We will use the example of Tony to illustrate debunk this myth. Three of his uncles were divorced, two of his sisters separated while the mother was a single mum who conceived him while still a teenager. So, as he planned his own marriage, he did not have anything to give him hope. He viewed every relationship through this blurred lens of failure.

Although Brent, his childhood friend and best pal at work, was supportive to Tony’s desire in having a meaningful relationship, Tony still harboured childhood fears. “There is nothing new under sun. What goes around comes around,” Tony explained, in reference to the past he had interacted with.

His marriage, he thought, was a disaster in waiting. After all, how can he succeed where the mother, the sisters and the uncles had failed? But, whenever, he visited Brent, he would get a momentary glimpse of hope. for Brent’s marriage was doing quite well.

Somehow, Tony’s past had clouded his view that successful marriages are still a possibility, and when he, eventually, discovered the lens through which he viewed and judged every other marriage, he was shocked.

The issue with this myth is the tendency to allow assumptions and generalisations to impact our future views and decisions. In every marriage, the initial high level of trust and expectation may at times exaggerate the way a couple looks at the problems that come later in marriage.

Consequently, Tony, in his frustration to make his marriage work, asked me in exasperation during counselling: “Do people really mean what they promise each other?”

Everything else that Tony said to me that day was based on other failed marriages. In fact, all his other best friends (other than Brent) were cheating on their spouses, and his perspective was that women are the ones who drive men out of their homes with their nagging.

But, just because many have failed does not mean the marriage institution as a whole has failed to deliver. How about accepting the fact that the wife could have been expecting high levels of disclosure?

Could it be that marriages that have succeeded in providing long-lasting happiness have embraced a learning and growing culture, where challenges contribute to positive learning experiences?

Basically, problems should not entrench in us the fear that the marriage is headed for doom. It is said that pain and suffering have a way of building maturity, faith and hope for a better future for those in a marriage. For example, issues that may lead to a deeper disclosure may present themselves in such painful moments.

2 Good spouses are hard to find, therefore I am afraid of getting the wrong person.

I totally agree; and so does Margaret. She told me at a counselling session that she grew up with the fear of relating to men. The mother had pumped into her the belief that men cannot be trusted; that they are all brutal beasts.

During her days in primary school, most of her peers came from broken homes and, although young, these children carried the pain of abuse as they told stories of every form of physical cruelty they saw in their homes.

Most of their parents were verbally and physically abused, leaving behind not only wounded spouses and children, but also a mental picture that marriage is not a safe place to be.

One of the boys had told them how his mother had been so beaten up by his father that she ended up in hospital. The brutal man, who many expected would be jailed for causing bodily harm to the mother, was later released for lack of evidence.

This episode (and other related stories from her friends) haunted Margaret for a long time. She hated the father, although she could not voice it to him. How could people who love each other hurt one another that much? she thought to herself.

Yet making a personal choice to deal with such hurtful baggage may help a spouse have the right attitude of heart in embracing their future partners without prejudice.

As a result, spouses need to be patient and carefully examine potential partners with a view to making a wise choice. When one invests their best in the process of finding a spouse, they will surely get the best.

But most spouses seem to be in a hurry to get together and, in the process, hurriedly cobble up their relationship. No longer are values used to connect partners, but rather the desire to meet their own temporary needs.

We need to embrace various opportunities to examine each other as we serve together, talk together, ask questions, meet each other’s friends and see how we respond in tough situations.

3 People are not honest, and spouses show their real colours when the get married.

This kind of fear heightens the mistrust between spouses. When you do not know someone well, there is always a possibility and a temptation of limited exposure towards him or her.

“Even at her death bed, Monica could not reveal all her investments to me!” said the husband John bitterly. As a widower, he would only hear about the investments the wife had from his sisters-in-law. And, one day, one of these sisters said to John: “How could you expect her to let you in on her investments when you literally locked her out of your life?”

We can only get what we plant in a relationship. There are many marriages that are shrouded in a lot of mystery. Limited disclosure leads to limited inclusion into each other’s world.

A shallow dating process where we do not take time and make discoveries is dangerous and will lead to a shallow interaction within the marriage. On the other hand, a marriage built on full disclosure will reap the benefits of a deep, open and honest relationship.

In my many counselling years, I have discovered that a dating process that does not engage in deeper and honest talk will most likely provide the couple with a shaky foundation, built on suspicion and mistrust. Although trust is key in a marriage, it is not easy to come by and must be earned.

Therefore, a spouse’s commitment to show a consistent and dependable character will lead to a deeper relationship, where disclosure is not an issue.

In such a relationship, the spouses know each other well — particularly in moments when they are angry, disappointed and apprehensive in life, for this is when their true nature is seen.

Brenda, who had been married for four years, said to me during a counselling session: “There are moments I could see that my husband was not telling me the whole truth. But, you see, my husband is a very caring man, so I would say to myself; ‘Maybe I’m overreacting.’”

From her perspective, Brenda felt the husband would marry her for her beauty and the spark she brought into the relationship. However, Lino (her husband) had fathered another child with another woman, whom he had promised to marry. Of course Brenda did not know about this because Lino had perfected his skills, even though he was not quite smart in covering all his tracks.

An un-explained bill here and there, a phone message left behind on voice mail... finally did him in. When Brenda discovered the lies, all the little mishaps started to make sense to her, all those little things she has ignored and thought they were her own imaginations became even more incriminating.

The truth of the matter is: A dishonest spouse will show these traces way back during courtship.