I’m getting tired of waiting for this man to divorce

Hello Philip

God bless you for the good work you are doing. I’m a 25-year-old lady, dating a 38-year-old man for one-and-half years now. When I met this man, he had separated from his wife for two months, and they have never been together since. They had been married for four years and have one child.

The reason I’m writing to you is that I don’t know whether I have a future with this man or not. Yes, he has introduced me to his family as his future wife, but every time I ask him how far he has gone with severing ties with the other woman, he gets angry, and argues that getting divorced is not that easy, especially when properties are involved.

I feel it’s taking too long for someone to decide whether to move on or not, and I should not let love blind me since I’m well off financially.

Please advise,

Angelica.

Hi Angelica,

I am glad that you are aware of the pending issues in the relationship. However, your participation in this man’s affairs may, when viewed from a different perspective, be a hindrance to there being any hope of reconciliation.

I am of the opinion that you should not hold onto this man at the expense of his marriage. If he tries everything to save his marriage in vain, then, I guess, he is the right person to decide the dissolution of the marriage—without you pressuring him.

After the marriage has been terminated, you will have the chance to get into his life without the label of ‘the other woman’.

*****

Hello,

My name is Caro, and I have been in a relationship for two-and-half years now. Things have been well, but he has, of late, started accusing me of dishonesty towards him, yet I have never cheated on him.

Recently, he invited me to his place, and we had a disagreement, after which I left in a huff. Then he call me to break the bombshell: that he is married.

After two weeks, he called me again seeking reconciliation, and I couldn’t figure out what to tell him. Now I’m confused. Should I accept his offer to reconcile, or should I tell him off?

Thanks.

Hi Caro,

I have a feeling that something is not quite right with your relationship, and the real issues causing the current instability will only become clear if you make an honest evaluation of the union.

I am not quite sure whether you are in a dating relationship or a come-we-stay arrangement, and whether you have established any principles on which your relationship will hinge.

I feel, therefore, that you need to re-organise yourself and carry an honest analysis of your reactions and actions. Marriage needs careful thought and planning. You need to be sure that you are on the same page with this man.

Your goals and his must be flowing in the same direction Find out why he accused you of not being frank and honest. Are there some things he noticed that brought him to this conclusion? Or is this one of those pranks people pull on others.

The two of you need to work on developing an open and free climate of communication. I do not understand why he, all of a sudden, told you that he is married, for marrying is not a thing you do overnight. He must have thought about this.

I suggest that you investigate your choices. Why do you want to go back to a man who has told you that he is married? I don’t think there is anything to be confused about. Be focused and courageous in the way you govern and lead your life.

All the best.

******

Hello Philip,

This is in reference to your column on January 10, 2011, in which you talked about the responsibilities of parted couples to their children. I would like to know what the new Constitution says about such situations. How is the responsibility of bringing up the child divided between the two, and must the father also pay for the upkeep of the mother?

You said that, in some instances, the father is made to meet the financial needs of the mother and the child; what are these circumstances?

I ask this because I parted ways with a woman with whom I was not legally married. We did not even stay under the same roof, even though she bore my child. What is the position of the law in such a case, especially because our union was dissolved immediately the pregnancy was discovered?

Thank you.

Hi

When a couple’ marriage breaks, and all the effort to restore the relationship fails and produces no fruit, then I believe and amicable end to the relationship is needed.

First, the laws of natural justice call us to take responsibility for our actions. Therefore, where children are involved, any responsible man or woman would take care of the future of the innocent children. I am not a lawyer, but I have seen situations judges ruled in favour of the child, and others in favour of both mother and child. Familiarise yourself with the laws that address your situation.

About whether you need to take care of your baby or not, I doubt whether the age of the child at the time of the dissolution of the relationship matters. The issue here is whether you are bold enough to take ownership of God’s beautiful creation.

Our failure, most of the time, to take such responsibility reveals the selfish nature of many relationships. I believe your baby desires to live and have a great life. And, somehow, someone should be responsible.

******

Hello Philip,

I’m 26 years old, and have been dating a man for a year now. At first he used to be loving and caring, even though he was jobless. I helped him sort his issues, and he finally landed a well-paying job. Since then, sadly, our relationship has become an on-and-off affair.

We had agreed to get married, but as the date approached, he developed cold feet and started giving excuses as to why he was not ready. Now he neither calls me nor does he reply to my text messages.

He has told me on numerous occasions that he would set aside some time to discuss this issue, but that is yet to happen because he claims to be too busy. I’m confused about what to do. Should I stick with him, or should I leave him to handle his busy schedule?

Thank you,

Celestine.

Hi Celestine,

The latter is exactly what I would do; give him space to make up his mind. Do not look so desperate before him, because this will give him the excuse to play with your emotions.

Even if he came and asked you for a hand in marriage, should you overlook all these issues just because you want the marriage?

Marriage is made up of two people who have consented to share their lives together without fear or manipulation. I do not think you and your man are on the same page.

As a result, let him understand your heart, and then move should you realize that, by staying, you would be chasing after the wind.