Mum, Dad, we are still hurting from your divorce

• The pain of repairing the relationship is nothing compared to the pain, confusion and disorientation children feel when their parents divorce

Hallo Philip,

We are three siblings who enjoy reading your column and are all based in the US. We sincerely hope you will be able to publish our letter. It might be too late for us, but we might save a marriage or two for the sake of the children.

We have noted that in the past few weeks, the media have been bombarded with cases of separations/divorce all talking about money and not the affected children. As children of divorcees, below is a letter we recently wrote to our parents.

Dear Dad & Mum,

We are 34, 38 & 41 years old, and still feel the consequences of your divorce when we were 6, 12 & 14 years old, respectively. To outside observers, we were no different than the children of intact families, but that wasn’t really the case.

When Mum came home we gauged her mood. When we stayed at Dad’s we were often quiet and on good behaviour. We paid close attention to the different rules at your different homes and the conflicts in your expectations of us. We struggled to remember what we were not supposed to say, and what secrets or information about one parent we should not share with the other. We adjusted ourselves to each of you, shaping our habits and beliefs to mimic yours when we were around you.

We had to learn how the rules in one house were so different than the other and try and reconcile these in a way that we would not let you down. We often felt like different people with each of you. This made us grow up too soon; we were like little adults.

By divorcing, you made our lives harder. Imagine this, how would you want to go to a different home every few days because it suits someone else’s schedule? How would you like to remember at which house you left your wallet, your laptop, your workout bag, your briefcase? How about sleeping in a different bed and using a different toothbrush every other day, how would that make you feel?

Birthdays, school visits, holidays, graduations and weddings were dreaded, because that meant only one of you could take pictures, only one parent could attend. Which meant that one very sad parent got left out.

What we hated hearing most was “It’s either me at your graduation or your mum/dad, you can’t have us both there”.

Though the custody sharing days were clear, you made us choose where we wanted to be, especially during holidays. As fate would have it, when you both got sick at the same time a few years ago, you had to go and live with one of us who had not relocated, but again, you made her choose.

Why couldn’t you just choose to stay together? Why did you reverse your role as parents with us. We became the worried ones, the ones wanting to make sure you were both happy. Now older, and making more independent decisions, things have not changed much, choosing where to spend the holidays is always a source of anxiety and pressure.

Some of the worst feelings in the world we can ever remember were when, out of nowhere, you dad brought our step mum into our lives and told us she makes you happy, our world fell apart. And you sincerely thought that at 6, 12 & 14 years old, we cared about your happiness? It was very hard to understand why a new woman was now sleeping on the side of mum’s bed or why there was a new person in the kitchen.

It was the loss of two full time parents and the sadness we felt around friends from intact families. Our common family friends disappeared, invitations to events dwindled and we became society’s outcasts.

The joy and pain of leaving in two extreme worlds was confusing. While dad seemed to have moved on, was extremely wealthy and lived large, mum was struggling emotionally and financially.

Oh, the pain of going on holidays with our dad and step-mum and seeing mum’s crestfallen face when waving goodbye. Dad, were you oblivious to the fact that we nearly went hungry sometimes since mum couldn’t swallow her pride and ask for your help?

Mum, you said you divorced due to the most popular excuse — irreconcilable differences and communication problems, what did that mean?

Dad, might it have been the mid-life crisis or boredom or drifting apart? We do advocate for abusive marriages, but we have racked our brains and cannot remember any emotional or physical abuse in your marriage. To us, you appeared to be functioning well even just a few months prior to the divorce. The divorce was therefore unexpected, inexplicable and unwelcome to us, and an act of selfishness on your part.

To think that you did us a favour by raising us from two different households is incredibly unrealistic. How could you, dad, one person, get to decide the fate of not only the marriage but the family?

We had to carry your burden through every celebration and tragedy, joy and disappointment but what we missed out most and still miss, was growing up in one home the way God intended it to be. Our experience is that divorce or separation is almost always unilateral.

To conclude, you now expect us to travel and celebrate your reunion, we have a news flash for the two of you, there is nothing to celebrate.

Dad, we are happy you did not have any children with our step-mum, we would not wish the emotional pain we went through to our worst enemy.

Your children.

Hi,

Thank you for your honesty. I couldn’t agree more. One can clearly see the pain and confusion you went through. However, without such insight, it is very easy for one to think, “See how they turned out. The divorce was not a bad thing after all.”

As I have mentioned in this column in the past, divorce is painful both to the couple and the children. The pain of living two lives is evident from the children. Parents can actually plant seeds of anger, bitterness, low self-esteem and loss of identity in their children. I sense a high level of pain in the three of you. The loving, caring and warm family environment you hoped for was out of your reach.

I have come to discover that the pain of repairing a marriage is nothing compared to the pain, confusion and disorientation the children feel and go through. At 34, 38 & 41 years old, you still feel the consequences of your parents’ divorce.

In a study of 60 young people of ages 12 to 19 in the US, it was found that when these young people were asked about how parents should share the responsibility of looking after the children when they divorce, the most common responses were that it should be “equal,” or “half and half,” or fair. This reveals the deep-seated desire and hope that things were normal. That is why they wanted a piece of both parents.

Probably one of the most frequently asked questions over the last two decades about family life has been, “Is divorce harmful to children?” says professor of human development at the University of Illinois Robert Hughes, Jr.

He goes on to state that out of 92 studies involving 13,000 children ranging from preschool to young adulthood, it was found that children from divorced families experienced more difficulty in school, more behavioural problems, more negative self-concept, more problems with peers, and more trouble getting along with their parents.

He argues that these children experience several losses through divorce. These are:

1. Parental loss — This is the loss of parental care or loss of contact with one parent. With this loss, children may also lose a secure environment, friends, knowledge, skills and resources (emotional, financial, etc.) of that parent.

2. Economic loss — Children living in single parent families as a result of divorce are less likely to have as many economic resources as they previously did or as children living in intact families. As a result, some are left to struggle.

3. Stress — In most cases, divorce results in many changes in the children’s living situations, such as changing homes, schools, care, parenting, etc. Children will often also have to make adjustments in relationships with their friends, new step-parents and extended family members. These changes create a more stressful environment for the growth of children. In some cases, abuse is not uncommon.

4. Lack of parental competence — The competence of parents following a divorce is likely to have considerable influence on how the children are doing. For example, a step- mum or dad may lack the skills of handling rebellion or disobedience.

5. Conflicting priorities — Single parents can have conflicting schedules that can affect their roles in the home. Neglect and role confusion can result, providing a poor growth environment for children. This is exactly what the three of you faced.

The best way out is forgiveness and a choice to rebuild your lives.

**********************

Hallo Kitoto,
I’m 26-year-old lady currently dating a guy who is 34 years old. We’ve been dating for the past four years. This guy is a divorcee who separated with his wife, with whom they have one child, due to relationship problems. When we met I tried to persuade him to reconcile with his wife, but he told me it will never work out between them and that all he needed was to start over.

The good thing about him is that he still takes care of his child up to now. He is so loving and caring, and I do love him. Now, He recently asked me to marry him, but I am afraid. What if his ex-wife decides to confront me? I’m ready to be his wife but I don’t know what is right.

Please advise.

Hi,
Divorce comes with its baggage of pain, hurt, disappointments, regrets, broken dreams, children, investments and many more. The person coming from a divorce will therefore need to deal with theses issues. If not well handled, some of these issues could creep into the new relationships they build.

Of importance also is to deal with the reasons for the divorce and learning to accept their part in the problem. Persons who heap blame on others, or run away from the issues will more likely carry a lot of baggage into their new found relationships.

Therefore, ensuring that this man has dealt with both the issues that caused the divorce, and any other related baggage is key.

This should be followed by an honest evaluation of why the relationship cannot work. Depending on one’s spiritual inclination, their faith plays an important role in how one moves on, particularly if the family is threatened by a divorce.

For example, Christians believe in the permanence of marriage. The power of confession and forgiveness gives marriage a chance for restoration and healing.

If the former wife still feels legally married, then ensuring that he deals with the issues pending in that relationship is key. You don’t want to be caught up in their fight or continue to live in fear of being confronted.