My wife has refused to get intimate and says I should remarry

Hi Philip,
I am a married man aged 31 years with two kids. My wife and I have been married for six and I still love her very much, despite the fact that she’s been denying me my conjugal rights, and she is also very jealous; I remember when she threatened a girl who was just a friend to stop chatting with me.

She started refusing to get intimate two years ago, but she would give in after I pleaded a lot with her.

Later on in the same year she started denying me my conjugal rights, I thrashed her when she told me that I will be paying her like prostitutes to get intimate with her.

We parted ways for three months then we reconciled and she became a good wife.

After giving birth to our second born child, she once again started refusing to get intimate. As recently as last month she told me that she doesn’t feel the urge anymore and I should remarry.

I don’t want to hurt my children by quitting the marriage and I also fear getting infected with HIV/AIDS, so a mpango wa kando is out of the question.

She respects me and does all a wife should do, except getting intimate. What should I do?

Hi,

Six years of marriage is not too short a time to know what could be causing the denial of conjugal rights.

I have not heard her side of the story, but from what you have written, I do not think I see any confession from your side whether she was right in claiming that your were becoming unfaithful.

From my counselling experience, I have discovered that most women deny men sex in marriage for several reasons, among them: suspicion of unfaithfulness, presence of unresolved issues, pain experienced during sex and many more.

The only way out is to find the cause through regular checks on the relationship.

I am a bit surprised at the fact that you see nothing wrong in beating her. I think issues should be resolved through dialogue, and if you totally can’t agree, there are many other avenues of dealing with the issue; but definitely not spouse beating.

In as far the current stand off is concerned, since she respects you, use this opportunity to win her love.

There is definitely something she is afraid of. The urge for sex in a woman will vary depending on how she is treated, valued and validated. So you need to find out if she feels like you care, love and appreciate her.

Again, from experience, I have come to define sex in marriage differently; the epitome of an active and working relationship and as a form of communication on how the relationship is doing. The ball is in your court.

Hi Philip,

Two years ago, my wife of 12 years and I divorced. It was a difficulty marriage from the start, mainly because we really didn’t understand each other and hence constantly and strongly disagreed with each other on nearly every issue.

Over time, other relationship issues cropped up; we were emotionally disconnected, trust was completely wiped out, and it became a lifeless association.

In the end, we both agreed that the union had irretrievably broken down, and that is when we decided to go our separate ways.

I have three children aged 11, nine and six years from my first marriage. I see them and spend time with them very often and continue to provide for them, and I plan to continue to do this until they all become independent.

I have a good relationship with each one of them and they always look forward to seeing me.

Now, after two years, I feel like settling down in marriage again, only that this time I am determined to learn from my mistakes, and approach issues more maturely and soberly, hopefully I’ll be successful this time round.

The reason I want to marry again is mainly because many times I feel lonely (I live alone). I want companionship and to guard against the many sexual temptations I experience; I want to live an honest, committed and honourable life.

What is your advice on the kind of person I should look for? What issues should I consider for the new union to work?

Hi,

It is sad that your three lovely children are going to grow up without a stable home where they can feed from the counsel of both of you. Some thing happens when the children are exposed to this kind of a lifestyle and I know that within these last two years things have not been easy for them.

If I were you, I would first worry about their adjustment and growth.

A second marriage is not easy and it will definitely come with its expectations on you and on the kids. I would pray and hope that you count the cost of closing the chapter; because the expectations from the previous marriage must have good closure that will not negatively impact on the children and the future.

For example, what will be your ongoing responsibilities from that failed marriage? How will your new wife see these responsibilities? After you re-marry, will the children from the first marriage be seen as an intruders because of the demands they will place on you?

Finally, there is the need to consider the legal and spiritual implications of the remarriage.

Dear Philip,

I am 42 years old and have been married for nine years, with one child. For the last four years, my wife and I have been living separately from my wife due to alcohol related problems.

She had left promising to come back only when I took control of my alcohol problem. Late last year, I spent two months in rehabilitation.

My wife and I work and live in different towns but we’ve been relating well of late and communicating over the phone.

Last month, I visited her for one week and since we couldn’t trust one another we had to use a condom. All that period she refused for us to go for a HIV test, I don’ know why.

Now that I have been staying with the child for all that period, if I leave her will she come for the child? Can I go to the children’s court and seek custody of the child?

She has neglected me and the child, saying the house she has is small so we cannot go there with the child even during the holidays. But she has been helping in paying fees for the child.

I worry about whether she will come back to me; I really love her and want her back in my life. I need another child yet she says that she needs time to think about it as she is not decided. I feel insecure.

Hi,

Any separation, like the one you had, can introduce a lot of new issues into the relationship. How did my spouse care for him/herself while we lived separately? Is it safe for us to have sex? Am I willing to commit after all this time a part? These are some of the questions that might go through your mind.

Her refusal for both of you to go for a HIV test is for you to find out, but I am of the opinion that the HIV test should be treated just like any other medical test we need to take in life.

Let her know that the test is for the good of the relationship and not just trying to find out who has been cheating. Deal with her fears.

Conception must be the decision of both the husband and the wife. From your questions, I think there is serious need for you and your wife to get back into intimate communication where such issues can be discussed.

Your fears are slowly building into a feeling of neglect just because of the lack of deep disclosure in your communication that will help rebuild the relationship.

Through such communication, you may discover that your desire for another child may be not be a feeling you jointly share. Therefore, talk about it candidly and yet with love, don’t make demands.

Whether she still wants to get back to you is also for you to find out. The time away cannot be under-estimated; there is a level of independence she enjoyed and had become used to that she may not want to give up. This is why separations in a relationship, if not well-guarded, can lead to permanent separation.

Hi Philip,
I will be turning 23 this year and I have been in a relationship for one and a half years. We never had sex since I only want to engage in it after marriage, but my guy was pressuring me so much.

On a number of occasions, I almost gave in but I didn’t. We quarrelled about it because he said I don’t trust him and that is why I didn’t want to have sex with him.

I let go of him in December and now I am in a new relationship that is one month old. What should I do because the pressure for sex is so high yet I want to wait, while I am also finding it hard to control myself?

Hi,

I must first start by commending you for being values-driven. However, you really need to know what you want in life. What really matters for you?

If purity is key to you, and that your desire is to get married a virgin, then you must be ready to pay the price for that. But sacrifice is only possible when you understand why you are making it. So be clear on the benefits of you remaining pure.

I would encourage you not to be intimidated, manipulated or pressured into sex just because you want to please someone.

There are great marriages and relationships leading to marriage that are built on values that outlive sex. A time comes in marriage or in a relationship when sex may not happen due to a sickness, complications etc.

Can you imagine what it will be like if your spouse reduced you to a sex object by arguing that there is no value in staying in the relationship since you can’t have sex anymore?

The glorification of sex has done relationships more harm than good. Sex needs to be seen in its proper perspective. Therefore, seek to do what is right; you can never re-live your life.

Every day and every action we take is important to who we later become. Remember, you are at an age where you have a right to say no.