I recently turned 34, I’m married and have one child. My wife and I seem to be drifting apart with every passing day, but she doesn’t seem bothered.
We often go for days without talking to one another and our sex life is almost dead. It’s like she has a separate life that she’s content with, so much so that I don’t count.
My wife has change a lot from the girl I met and fell in love with, and all this happened when she came to college in Nairobi a while back.
She used to dress quite decently, didn’t like male company, never argued, got along well with my sisters and, most importantly, she listened to me when I asked her not to do something.
Nowadays, when it comes to dressing, you can’t tell her apart from an attention seeking teenager.
She loves male attention and dishes out her phone number to anyone who requests for it, and recently I found out that she’s in contact with her ex via one of the social media sites.
Her profession makes it worse (she in the media) and we argue over almost every thing; I can’t recall the last time we solved anything amicably.
Financially, she seems more interested in saving and being in “chamas”. I therefore foot all the bills in the house, which sometimes forces me to spend even the little I keep away for hard times. I also give her money, but she never tells me how she spends it.
I am beginning to think it’s time we separated, but the love I have for my child stops me from taking this step. I am not used to this kind of stressful life, I want my life back.
Either of two things must happen: I get back the girl I fell in love with, or we go our separate ways. Help me out, I’m at the end of my wits.
Your differences with your wife stem from several factors, one of which is the fact that you both have different expectations and values concerning your marriage.
You seem to have had this picture of a compliant, quiet and obedient girl and decided to make her your wife, without expecting her to change.
However, the change in environment and friendships has affected her outlook on things. The question is: What has made her become distant?
Were you too controlling and domineering until her move to Nairobi breathed a new lease of life that is now threatening the relationship?
I also sense that your reaction and response to her current behaviour may have made her feel rejected. She could be seeing you as having remained too traditional in your outlook on issues like dressing.
Every couple must decide for themselves what is modest in terms of their dressing. It is not about what one partner dictates, the couple must reach an agreement based on their tastes and outlook in life.
I have this feeling that you are feeling threatened and therefore unhappy with her choice friends, work and social life. Again, it is important for both of you to discuss what would be considered as good company for your family.
Being in the media, she will always be surrounded by people of the opposite sex. It is up to you to affirm her so that she can feel secure in your presence.
She will then dress and act with the thought of what you would like to see in mind. Avoid allowing your insecurity to threaten and hence create distance between you two.
The two of you need take time to freely talk and exchange your expectations in this ever-changing environment. Start by affirming each other instead of complaining.
Talk about what is currently working well, what could be improved and what is yet to be done. Try and jointly own the successes and failures of your marriage.
I can also see that there is a definite lack of openness in your financial dealings. I recommend that you talk about this with the aim of bridging the gap.
Finances in a marriage are the responsibility of both spouses; the budget must be jointly planned and executed. If you continue dealing with your finances as individuals, the distance between you two will increase.
I am a 27-year-old guy and my major problem is that I got married not knowing that there were some responsibilities that would befall me later — I had to pay college fees for my younger sister.
Being married, my mother felt that I wouldn’t be in a position to afford the fees, pay rent and take care of my wife. So she made sure that my beloved wife went back to stay with her.
I really love my wife, but my mother hates her so much. Since I work far away in northen Kenya, I’m not in a position to take her with me. What should I do?
For what we love and treasure, we must be willing to make sacrifices. If you truly love your wife, you have to stand up for her and fight any battle for her.
Mothers have different places/roles to play in a man’s single and married life, men must therefore communicate this to their mothers.
Your obligation to your sister must be limited to the resources you have. What I see is that your mother has great control over you, which may turn into resentment towards her if not handled well.
If you cant let your mother know how far is too far, she will still meddle in your marriage, which will, of course cause problems between you and your wife.
Decide for yourself whether you are ready for marriage. If so, you must have a plan to make it work. There’s also need for you to have your priorities right.
Your parents give birth to you and when you are of age, you make your own home and raise your children, and this family that you start becomes your priority.
Together with your wife, you can make certain commitments to support your families, but this must be within your means. Set your boundaries together so that your will remain within its confines and not allow intrusion from in-laws from either side.
Right now, your wife is still a stranger, she is not your priority, which is not right. Finally, money should not be everything that makes up a marriage; love must be the key thing.
I’m 30 years old and have been in a come-we-stay relationship for six years now (our parents know about our relationship and they have met), and together we have a daughter.
My wife has a well paying job while I am a taxi driver, so she pays rent and school fees and buys food while I do the rest, like paying electricity and water bills and ensuring the car has fuel for errands.
Of late, we have been at loggerheads more often than not. We don’t talk, we don’t sleep in the same bedroom, we never get intimate and she also harsh and arrogant.
Recently, I said enough is enough and decided to confront her, telling her that I would quit the relationship if she wouldn’t sit down with me so we could sort out our problems.
What I heard from her was shocking: she told me she doesn’t care anymore and that she was fine with ending the relationship. So I packed my things and went back to my parents’.
This is the second time I have walked out on this relationship. Could she be seeing somebody else behind my back? Please advise.
Relationships are about ensuring that certain key elements are inculcated within it: One, is mutual love, where each spouse makes a choice to remain committed to the other and to the ideals of the marriage.
This love goes beyond cultural barriers, status, colour, and background. I can see that this is what the two of you did. The kind of jobs you do should not be a factor in how much you love each other.
Two, is respect. Either spouse makes a conscious decision to not only love but to respect the feelings, contributions, and identity of the other in the relationship.
This is what builds self-worth and importance in a marriage partner. A couple feels affirmed and honoured in the relationship when they are respected. Third, is honest communication.
This kind of communication is the glue that holds the relationship together. Secrecy, cover ups, assumptions and blame are the result of a broken down communication channel.
The couple will then begin to feel distant and lose interest in each other. Because all these elements are lacking in your relationship, the two of you need to find out if you still stand for the same thing.
There is no other way out than to rebuild these values in your relationship. Walking out may only escalate the issues you face.
I therefore suggest that you sit down with her and: affirm that you love her; find out her concerns about the relationship; find out which of these issues you can resolve by yourselves and which ones you need external help; and seek reconciliation and forgiveness.