My wife now dresses like a teenager

Because of change in environment, people tend to change. It is therefore important that a couple is very clear about what they want in a marriage so that they can always take into consideration the other’s thoughts and feelings

Hello Philip,
I recently turned 34, I’m married and have one child. My wife and I seem to be drifting apart with every passing day, but she doesn’t seem bothered.

We often go for days without talking to one another and our sex life is almost dead. It’s like she has a separate life that she’s content with, so much so that I don’t count.

My wife has change a lot from the girl I met and fell in love with, and all this happened when she came to college in Nairobi a while back.

She used to dress quite decently, didn’t like male company, never argued, got along well with my sisters and, most importantly, she listened to me when I asked her not to do something.

Nowadays, when it comes to dressing, you can’t tell her apart from an attention seeking teenager.

She loves male attention and dishes out her phone number to anyone who requests for it, and recently I found out that she’s in contact with her ex via one of the social media sites.

Her profession makes it worse (she in the media) and we argue over almost every thing; I can’t recall the last time we solved anything amicably.

Financially, she seems more interested in saving and being in “chamas”. I therefore foot all the bills in the house, which sometimes forces me to spend even the little I keep away for hard times. I also give her money, but she never tells me how she spends it.

I am beginning to think it’s time we separated, but the love I have for my child stops me from taking this step. I am not used to this kind of stressful life, I want my life back.

Either of two things must happen: I get back the girl I fell in love with, or we go our separate ways. Help me out, I’m at the end of my wits.

-------------------------

Hi,
Your differences with your wife stem from several factors, one of which is the fact that you both have different expectations and values concerning your marriage.

You seem to have had this picture of a compliant, quiet and obedient girl and decided to make her your wife, without expecting her to change.

However, the change in environment and friendships has affected her outlook on things. The question is: What has made her become distant?

Were you too controlling and domineering until her move to Nairobi breathed a new lease of life that is now threatening the relationship?

I also sense that your reaction and response to her current behaviour may have made her feel rejected. She could be seeing you as having remained too traditional in your outlook on issues like dressing.

Every couple must decide for themselves what is modest in terms of their dressing. It is not about what one partner dictates, the couple must reach an agreement based on their tastes and outlook in life.

I have this feeling that you are feeling threatened and therefore unhappy with her choice friends, work and social life. Again, it is important for both of you to discuss what would be considered as good company for your family.