She is worldly and lazy while I am conservative, but I love her

• Love is both commitment and responsibility, built on particular objectives and values. It is not mere feelings. While feelings are important, they cannot the the only gauge of loveLove is both commitment and responsibility, built on particular objectives and values. It is not mere feelings. While feelings are important, they cannot the the only gauge of love

Hi Philip,

I am 26 years old in a relationship that is about four years old now. I met my girlfriend in college as we attended some classes together and became good friends; she was and still is incredibly beautiful.

The “honeymoon” phase did not last long. Our first fight was on dressing. I had always seen a good girl behind her beauty and felt that it should be defended by not-so-secular dressing. So I offered to help her redo her wardrobe but she chose to stick to her old collection. I fought this in vain.

The second fight was on faith. My parents were of the same faith, my dad having changed to my mum’s, and I thought this was a lesson we could learn from.

I talked to her about it and suggested that she joins my faith because she clearly didn’t have that much commitment to hers. I also told her that I would be glad to join her faith if she gave me its fundamentals. She didn’t, and the fight grew bigger.

Our friends too, were an issue; she did not like most of my friends and I have never liked some of hers, one to be precise.

I cleared college almost six months ahead of her and landed a job after two weeks — it wasn’t that good, but it paid the bills. The job also came with a lot of frustration and stress, so one evening we had a light disagreement and, in anger, I lost it and hit her. I was so sorry about it and I can’t even begin to explain how it happened.

Her parents told her to walk out of the relationship. Mine too asked the same of me. But we talked, she forgave me and we got back together. Even though we were together again, I had lost all authority to question anything she did. Any time I tried to, she would ask whether I wanted to hit her again.

Then, she was offered a scholarship that had her away for a year. Frustrated by my job, and labelled a “girlfriend batterer” among peers, I was very insecure. But I somehow managed.

When she returned, things were normal for a while, then the fights started again, often, if not always, instigated by me. I like doing things right and I love it when things are put where they belong and in time. I do not mind a mistake but a repetitive one, not my cup of tea. And I have little or no time for lazy people.

God provided another job for me 13 months ago, a good one without stress or frustrations and I feel I can fully take care of someone’s daughter and myself plus two or three kids, God willing. But I am not sure about us any more.

I feel like we are living in separate worlds, chasing different lives and dreams. I want a homemaker, she presents the image of a lazy girlfriend. I want a moral reformist, she is a liberal. So, I have been trying to end things between us for some time now and start all over again, but it seems the hardest thing to do.

For instance, I am currently footing some of her bills because she’s not stable yet, and leaving it all to her really may not be a good thing; her pain is still mine though I no longer tell her this. Kindly advise.

Hi,

One can feel that you are like a time bomb waiting to explode. When a man gets to where you are in a relationship, the questions are no different, however, the two of you have been under the same roof as man and wife, sharing basically everything, but cannot take it to the next level — marriage.

When you start a relationship in this way, there is so much that builds up that may be difficult to deal with. I would think, for example, over your issue with dressing, she would be asking herself, “I am an independent woman, why should I feel tied to him.”

What I would advise you to do is to put down two lists: one for all the things you think make her “the one” and the other for all the issues that make this relationship unworkable. Look at the two lists and make a decision on what you are willing to pay the price for.

Consider what is core and fundamental to you and remember, what we value, we treasure. Ask yourselves: What things in me and him/her cannot be changed? How would these things affect our relationship? Am I ready to withstand the test that these things will present? This is how marriages are grown, deepened and matured.