Should I leave my cheating husband, who is threatening suicide?

• Despite the threats, it is important to take action because cheating exposes the other partner to a lot of risks. But it is important to inform family members about these threats first

Hi Philip,

I am 25 years old and have been married to a man seven years my senior for three years now. We have two children, with one of them being from his previous relationship. Our marriage started happily, then the man changed. He started going out with other women. Whenever I confronted him, he would say that he did not know them or that they were his customers. It got to a point where one of his girlfriends insulted me in his presence and he did nothing. I forgave him and he told me that he would change his ways.

Then one day I got an sms from my sister with whom we are staying; he had started going out with her. When I confronted him, he tried to commit suicide. We have not been talking for almost a month now. I am working and I pay all the bills without asking for his assistance — when I ask, he throws a tantrum, saying he does not have money. He always wants to dictate how I spend my money, yet he does not support me when I need him to (he is a casual worker). I want to leave him but I am afraid because every time I talk about separation, he threatens suicide. Please help me because I have made up my mind to get out of this marriage.

Hi,

How could your sister agree to have an affair with your husband? If the man just approached your sister, not that they had an affair, then you need to talk to her and get on the same page. However, for your husband to have the courage to approach your sister, two things could have gone wrong: One, is that he may have had the intention of hurting you. Two, your sister’s actions around him could have made him believe that she was interested, but this may not necessarily mean that your sister showed interest in him. Third, his morals have fallen so low that he desperately needs help. I believe this is why he is having relationships with other women.

My concern is the risk he is exposing you to, particularly if he still demands his conjugal rights. I suggest that you involve a close couple that he respects in talking about the issues you are facing as a couple. It may be also necessary to reduce the tension in the house by speaking the truth to him firmly but with respect and love.

He appears to be a man caught in a web and needs a firm person to help him face issues. I am not surprised that he wanted to commit suicide when you found out about him and your sister.

You should not entertain his having an affair with your sister, even if he threatens to kill himself. But you have to let his parents, brothers, and even your parents know about his threats; you do not want to be held responsible in case he goes through with his threat. If these efforts do not yield results, seek the help of close family members to help you move on. His family has an obligation to help him and this may just be what he needs.

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Dear Kitoto,

For three years, my girlfriend and I had a really good relationship. Then things changed. Last year I decided it was time for us to settle down. We had agreed that we would settle down in marriage after she had completed her college studies, which I was paying for. However, after completing her studies, she asked for more time to get a job, which after a long disagreement, I finally agreed to.

Then, she started behaving funny, like hiding her phone and locking it with a password. Because of this, I changed my mind and told her I could not wait any longer for us to settle down. I told her that if she was not ready, then we should part ways so that I could look for somebody else who was willing to. She accepted this.

After a while, I started dating another girl who is mature, serious, and ready to settle down with me. When my ex got to know about this new relationship, she changed her mind, telling me that she was now ready to settle down. I found out that her mother had advised her not to get married before getting a job. (Her mother has been against our relationship from the beginning because we are from different tribes. She also has a lot of influence over my girlfriend’s decisions). When I asked about this, she and her mother confessed. We are now back in contact and she comes to my place, although I am still in this other relationship. She is still begging for forgiveness and I feel sorry for her.

I want to move on, but I find it difficult to do so because she has refused to let go and I still have feelings for her. But what worries me most is trust. There are things about me she came to learn about, which happened while we were together, and she believes they are true because she got the information from a reliable source. Will this trust issue come to haunt our marriage later if I decide to settle down with her? I also fear that her mother will interfere with our marriage.

At the same time, this new relationship has been doing well for the past three months and I think I am in love. I am confused about whether I should reconcile with my ex and how my new girlfriend will feel if I leave her because she loves me and I have been promising her that everything will be okay between us. She is aware of the whole situation. Please advise.

Hi,

I must commend you for your patience and ability to stand by your girlfriend and help her achieve her dream. The agreement you reached in prioritising her education is commendable. Since I am trying to understand your situation from a distance, I may miss out on some vital issues. However, from your communication, I support your move in seeking a definite answer to when the two of you would settle down. Her choice to move on without you and instead look for a job is something you could not have forced her to change.

At the expense of settling down in marriage with you, she made the choice to follow her mother’s advice. It is clear that her mother has and might continue to have a major influence on her, and that could affect your marriage in the future. Whether you leave your current girlfriend and return to her will depend on whether you are able to clear the issues that made her leave you in the first place.