I have been dating this guy for the last one year; he is 31 and I’m 29. We have had a great relationship, for the most part, and we’ve even started the process of dowry payment.
The problem is that he drinks a lot and when he does, especially when he drinks spirits, he gets violent, insults me and accuses me of cheating on him.
He is very suspicious of me, and any time I get a text message he asks who it is and even insists on seeing it because he doesn’t believe me.
Every time I get a phone call, he asks who it is. He has hacked my phone to see who calls me and to read my text messages but he has found nothing incriminating, yet he still doubts me.
The first time he hit me was in April this year. We had gone for a house party where he accused me of talking about him with the other ladies (I was seated with a group of ladies while he was seated with a group of men).
We got into an argument then he punched me on the head. I immediately broke up with him but he later apologised, promised to never hit me again and we made up.
Recently, I went to his house from work and I could tell he was high, so I opted to be calm and avoid any confrontation.
But my caution was all for nothing; he accused me of cheating on him since there is a company retreat that I’m going for in about two months.
He said was sure that I’m going with someone else. He then proceeded to strangle me briefly before apologising.
But he insists it’s very suspicious that I’d want to go for the trip knowing that he has promised to take me on a trip the same month (though the dates do not coincide).
He has asked me to accompany him when he goes for counselling and therapy but I am not sure I want to support him, I fear that he may harm me in future.
He’s asked me not to give up on him and says that he is getting better. He has gone for counselling before and he has actually stopped some of the things he used to do, like stopping me from going for family meetings and meeting friends.
But I’m torn between believing him because of the love I feel for him, and moving on. Please help.
I am really sorry for the way you have been treated. You are dealing with an insecure and violent man whose actions can be hard to predict. I would advice you to be careful in deciding to have a future with him.
I suggest that you do the following: First, choose a qualified counsellor together.
Second, get a second opinion from a counselling psychologist who can determine what is behind your man’s actions and whether it can be remedied.
Third, looking with the information you get from the first two actions, make a decision.
But I must say, your man’s actions are worrying and point to a grim future of abuse and domination.
I am 25 years old and in a relationship with a 30-year-old man. After training my PTE (Primary Teacher Education), I sought to go for a degree course, which I’m currently undertaking.
While I was in my first year at the university, my man lived with another woman while he was working in Kisumu.
I got to know about this when I called him one day a female voice answered. The woman then warned me not to call him (my boyfriend) again.
I was surprised and heart broken. I therefore decided to end our relationship.
After two years he got in touch, asking for forgiveness. After a lot of consultation, I decided to give him a second chance: so far, he’s proved to be a gentleman, and a faithful one.
I say I have forgiven him, but memories of the bitter past linger in my mind, which has made me a reluctant partner in the relationship.
When I try to bring up the past, he discourages me, saying that it hurts him. Please advise.
You are not married to this man and therefore there is no need for you to feel an obligation to be with him.
He led to the breaking up of your relationship, which clearly left you pain and regret. As you deal with the decision of whether this man should get back into your life or not, remain focused on finding the answers to various issues.
This man must have had reasons why he deserted you for another woman. It is your right to find out from him why he left you and whether these reasons have changed since then.
The reasons he gives you must be satisfactory to you before you. The fear and pain you have experienced can only be addressed by a clear and full response to the questions you may have.
My worry is the defence he is putting up as soon as you ask him questions about what he did.
You should not relent in seeking to understand where he is coming from, after all, you are the one who will marry him and hope to be with him the rest of your life. Guard against lies, pretence and a desire to manipulate you.
I am 27 years old and I have divorced my wife, the mother of my daughter. I have no problem with her; her relatives are the ones who forced our divorce.
Even though she went away with our daughter, she (our daughter) insists that we get back together. When I talk to my wife about it, she only promises to consult her relatives. Please help.
Your wife will have to make the decision between you and her parents. When she knows what is priority, she will fight for it. The big question for her will be whether she can trust you more than her parents? Does she see you as a trustworthy friend?
On the other hand, certain in-laws like taking advantage of the newly weds. But this only happens where such a couple leaves an opening for them to start meddling.
Encourage your wife to speak to you honestly concerning the issues you have with her parents. She is the only person to broker peace between you and her parents.
If the relationship cannot be repaired, you have every right as a couple to move on with your marriage. But the two of you need to deal with any unresolved issues between yourselves and leave no room for external interference.
Also, there is need for you to find in yourself the heart to forgive your in-laws.