Should I stand by my abusive man?

• While being supportive of a partner is important and key to any relationship, one must be careful not to get trapped in a cycle of abuse in the name of being supportive

Philip,

I have been dating this guy for the last one year; he is 31 and I’m 29. We have had a great relationship, for the most part, and we’ve even started the process of dowry payment.

The problem is that he drinks a lot and when he does, especially when he drinks spirits, he gets violent, insults me and accuses me of cheating on him.

He is very suspicious of me, and any time I get a text message he asks who it is and even insists on seeing it because he doesn’t believe me.

Every time I get a phone call, he asks who it is. He has hacked my phone to see who calls me and to read my text messages but he has found nothing incriminating, yet he still doubts me.

The first time he hit me was in April this year. We had gone for a house party where he accused me of talking about him with the other ladies (I was seated with a group of ladies while he was seated with a group of men).

We got into an argument then he punched me on the head. I immediately broke up with him but he later apologised, promised to never hit me again and we made up.

Recently, I went to his house from work and I could tell he was high, so I opted to be calm and avoid any confrontation.

But my caution was all for nothing; he accused me of cheating on him since there is a company retreat that I’m going for in about two months.

He said was sure that I’m going with someone else. He then proceeded to strangle me briefly before apologising.

But he insists it’s very suspicious that I’d want to go for the trip knowing that he has promised to take me on a trip the same month (though the dates do not coincide).

He has asked me to accompany him when he goes for counselling and therapy but I am not sure I want to support him, I fear that he may harm me in future.

He’s asked me not to give up on him and says that he is getting better. He has gone for counselling before and he has actually stopped some of the things he used to do, like stopping me from going for family meetings and meeting friends.

But I’m torn between believing him because of the love I feel for him, and moving on. Please help.

Hi,

I am really sorry for the way you have been treated. You are dealing with an insecure and violent man whose actions can be hard to predict. I would advice you to be careful in deciding to have a future with him.

I suggest that you do the following: First, choose a qualified counsellor together.

Second, get a second opinion from a counselling psychologist who can determine what is behind your man’s actions and whether it can be remedied.