Useless and vile, sheng must go

Some weeks ago, a movie buff friend — who has never seen a cinema hall she did not want to get into — laughed when I refused to go and watch a movie she had recommended.

Just a sec! I was not being laughed at because I turned down an offer to be taken to the movies by a woman, but because I informed her of a certain aspect of my movie-watching life.

She knows that I am choosy when it comes to movies and I do not watch epics or movies with vampires, but I told her that my ‘Not to be Watched’ list also includes any film in which people communicate in that mishmash of a gobbledegook which some Kenyans think is the panacea for tribalism.

She was flabbergasted to say the least, and explained that such a movie would definitely have subtitles. I told her that such a movie has already lost value and is not worth watching because nothing lowers the value or worth of a product like that superficial and indefinable gobbledegook known as sheng, which has no commercial value and which even she does not understand.

There, I have written it. Again. Like I did many years ago after some publisher who is also a professor of urban planning said during the Nairobi International Book Fair that sheng should be taught in schools or that school books should be published in sheng because of some fuzzy reasons which I have deliberately refused to remember. If you have been wondering why our cities look like mazes drawn by people who were high on yet to be defined substances, now you know why.

Well, I did tell the professor — whose daughter was studying in the United States — to publish those books in sheng, and since charity begins at home, give them to his own children first because sheng is not anything I would encourage any child to learn. It has no commercial value and if anything just lowers the value of everything, even national negotiation.

Is it a wonder then that those who often defend (use of) sheng always do so in other languages, not because they cannot speak sheng, but because the discussion would automatically be valueless and meaningless immediately after that mishmash is introduced?

There is this wrong notion that sheng signifies a tribe-less Kenya, and is therefore good for national integration because those who use it do not have exhibit ethnic traits, but tribe and language (of communication) are two different things and one can learn the latter. Further, in Kenya we still identify people with their tribes even when they cannot speak their mother tongues or when they are deaf and use only sign language.

To think that sheng is the panacea for our deep rooted ethnic hatred is total hogwash because sheng is too superficial to hold anything meaningful together; it is airy, malleable and changes as you move from one block to the other and does not break down any walls but just creates more barriers and confusion among communities.

The importance of this thing called sheng can be equated to cats that live on the roof of a house. The presence of cats should mean the absence of rats, but since people do not want rats in their houses, the presence of cats on their roofs does not add any value or make any sense. That is how important sheng is.

This thing called sheng is as important as the song you sing while in the shower. Sure, you will get entertained or occupied while you are going about scrubbing yourself, but that song has no commercial value as it is and is just as good as a painting that you have done while you are in the shower: It is just not there!

After politicians, sheng tops the list of all the most useless things to have come out of Kenya. Even if we laud it from atop the tallest building, it will never add value to our lives and will only continue to show how confused we are.

Hey, before those self-styled patriots start foaming at the mouth saying that all Kenyans speak sheng because they normally use Kiswahili and English words together, they need to understand that with sheng, different words are mixed or bastardised to produce some indefinable “language” that should never be spoken out loud because it is vile.

There are those Kenyans who, well-versed in matters of art, always defend sheng, in English of course. But, if they ever took time away from attending seminars and addressing workshops on sheng, they will realise that it has not added any value to the lives of “artistes” as they would want us to believe. Instead, these artistes they defend and applaud for using this unique Kenyan “invention” have been buried under a surfeit of their superficial and meaningless words which they cannot sell because no one is ready to buy them.

Take Camp Mulla and Sauti Sol for instance. These two music groups have achieved so much in a short time because their songs are in defined and refined languages which also signify clarity of thought and the state of their minds.

Meanwhile, there are artistes who came before them but they lost their voices before they could be recognised on any meaningful world stages. One thing that still beats me is how programmes that are primarily in sheng end up on national TV stations in this day and age when we know the value of airtime and are fighting for regional power.

Are there any TV programme managers who have ever chided their children for failing to watch these sheng programmes or encouraged them to go and watch them because they will gain anything from them? If they cannot do that, whose children do they want to watch these programmes that encourage illiteracy?

This thing called sheng even reduces to value of relationships and is a perfect turn off because you need to communicate clearly and not use words that you make up and drop as you move from one estate to the other.

You could as well argue that language is dynamic and nothing signifies dynamism like sheng, but consistency is very important and there is no need of starting to learn new words even before you use or know how to pronounce what you learnt a few seconds earlier.

Truth be written, sheng has no commercial value, is vile, despicable, uncouth, impolite and Kenya as a nation will never benefit from it in any way. As a matter of fact, it should be banned on national TV now that even the Constitution does not even recognise it or list it as one of the Kenyan languages.

Of course anyone with a different view has a right to reply — but please do so only in sheng. The fact that it will not be published should be a pointer that sheng will take you nowhere.

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Peculiar Kenyan passengers

There is no better place to see the peculiarity of Kenyans than in mass transport. I am sure the expatriate who said that Kenyans have peculiar habits would write tomes if he were to use mass transport.

You can very well argue that our collective idiocy is exhibited in this area. This is where you hear all sorts of complaints about reckless drivers yet the one behind the wheel the vehicle you’re in is a card carrying member. As a matter of fact, we encourage fast driving and when we see another driver doing the same, we call him names and ask which driving school he attended. Many are the times when we encourage the driver to drive on the shoulder of the road and hurl invectives at the other drivers who have right of way.

We whine about how difficult it is for ambulances to navigate traffic jams, but when we hear the siren of one, and our driver refuses to give way, we ask why “these ambulances are always driven during traffic gridlocks.” Kenyans are in a class of their own for sure and it is probably the only country this side of Africa where you will find passengers seated in a 52-seater bus during lunchtime traffic fanning themselves and complaining about the scorching heat — yet all windows of the bus remain closed.

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The ambiguous footbridge

Footbridges, I always insist are totally different from flyovers and those structures which are currently being put up along Thika Road are the former and are to be used by pedestrians.

But you know, we are a nation on the move, thus we can actually cross the road right under a footbridge and then hurl insults at the driver who does not stop or slow down to let us pass.
It is sad that Kenyans have to be forced to make use of safety structures which if not available, will prompt them to start singing the national anthem, Haki Yetu.

But in forcing pedestrians to use footbridges, we create more safety hazards: Putting steel barricades in the medians thus restricting movement and resulting in more harm in case of a fire.
Oh, the Thika Road footbridges have ramps meant for people who use wheelchairs. But trust Kenyans to take the slightest opportunity to cut corners.

Cyclists are already pedalling across them and very soon, motor cyclists will use them too and it will not be long before matatu drivers discover that they are wide enough to drive on. Only in Kenya!