We had a cold floor for bed, now he is just cold

Hello Sir,

Thank you for the good work you are doing. May God bless you.

I am a 31-year-old woman married to a man that I have started to hate.

This is why: First, we started our marriage on a rocky patch, and were so poor that we could not even afford a mattress, leave alone a bed.

For many nights, we slept on the cold floor, wishing that the heavens would open and pour their blessings on us. Well, they eventually did and my husband now not only sleeps in a warm bed, but also drives his own car!

But he is an enigma. Whenever he has a little money, he becomes the estate sex machine and sleeps with anything in a skirt that comes his way. He does not provide for the needs of the family as he should and now that we have one child and another on the way, things are beginning to overwhelm me.

What do I do to turn things around?

Hello,

I can feel the pain, anger, and frustration you are going through from the tone of your mail. Many are the times when feelings of regret engulf us, particularly when we think we should have acted differently in the first place.

But the truth of the matter is that building a marriage on a cracked foundation from the beginning will later cost the union its legitimacy. What you are facing now are the consequences of the failure to have clear values and principles to help bring the two of you together.

Marriage cannot just make itself. It is only made as the couple commits to build a set of values, beliefs, and practices over time.

I must commend both of you for being patient with each other over the period of lean times. Your frustration now is built on the fact that your husband does not see how much the two of you have invested, and is throwing away the fruits of your labour through his Casanova lifestyle.

Many of the couples that I have counselled have not shown a systematic way of growing their unions in the competitive world we live in. As a result, many spouses end up living selfish lives. And, as I said in one of my earlier articles, the greatest enemy in marriage is selfishness.

You are in a tight spot and may need to device ways of dealing with what faces you. Ahead of you are several options: First is to allow the frustration that has currently built up to fade. Pain has a way of drawing people apart and causing further frustration. Bitterness, on the other hand, forces many to start a race that seems endless.

Second, you can jointly own the problem. This will start by you saying: “I should have known better what I was getting involved in. Since we both had no common starting ground, no common values, or agenda, why should I expect that I was married to an angel?” Right now, you might be screaming: “But I am not the one sleeping out!” Yes, that is true, but it does not negate the fact that the dating process and character evaluation was faulty right from start.

So we both have to admit our part of the blame and seek reinforcements to deal with the issue instead of being filled with pain and hate that, in the end, just hurt the person carrying it.

Third is the fact that you can choose revenge rather than resolution. Resignation, or revenge, always seems such a wonderful path when in pain. This is because we get into this mindset that argues: “So you think I cannot be as bad as you are? I will show you that dawa ya moto ni moto!”

Many spouses who have chosen this path have ended up hurting and destroying themselves rather than the person they intended to hit at.

Evaluate your options carefully in the light of the above. What really do you want? Life is precious; don’t let the resultant pain and bitterness bring you ulcers or high blood pressure. Remember how God wants you to deal with those who wrong you and hurt you. Be wise and seek His wisdom to act wisely.

That things look so bad does not mean that God himself does not hurt with you. He wants things to work differently for you. But, first, forgive yourself and move away from any personal blame. There is a difference between owning the fact that you both have a part in the cracked foundation and blaming yourself for the wrongs.

******

Hello Philip,

I am a 28-year-old guy and had been married for three years — up to May this year, when my wife left our house without my knowledge. I was at work, but when I returned, I found our house closed and the keys left with a neighbour.

I asked the neighbour where my wife had gone, but I was told she had left without any details. I immediately tried to reach her on her cellular phone, but to no avail. She had carried away all her and our daughter’s best clothes.

Days passed without any communication since she switched off her phone. When I called her home village, I was informed that she wasn’t there either. I called my mum, and she told me she wasn’t at her place as well.

I even talked to her aunts, but nobody had seen or even heard from her. I gave up the search and concluded that she would return one day.

In November, she called me from a strange number seeking a meeting. I agreed and we met at a restaurant, where we spent less than 30 minutes because, she said she was in a hurry to go and attend to our daughter.

I tried to ask her questions, but it was obvious that she felt offended because of the way she reacted. I inquired about the strange number she had called me from, and she told me it belonged to another woman she shared a house with..

Towards the end of November, I decided to call the number and the phone was answered by a man, who politely asked me who I was and whom I wanted to speak to.

I told him my name, but he sought to know my relationship with the woman I sought to speak to. I told him the truth and, on a man-to-man basis, we discussed the issue at hand. He told me that my wife had been living with him since she left our home.

However, the gentleman informed me that he was just about to travel abroad and that my wife was planning to go back to her mother.

Well, the gentleman left her high and dry. Now she has been calling me, asking for forgiveness. She doesn’t know that I know what she had been up to during all those months because I haven’t told her about my conversation with the other man.

I love my daughter but I have decided that the marriage is not working.

Have I made the right decision? Please advise.

Samuel.

Hi Samuel,

I hear you try to say that, out of the blues, you came home one day and your wife was gone. No warning. No trace. Then, suddenly, she appears from nowhere and asks to come back. And she has been living with someone else.

There must have been issues that led to her disappearance, but which are not captured in your mail. Maybe you could not see these, but something must have driven her away.

Affairs in marriage don’t just happen; they are gradual, and infest a marriage when couples choose to ignore the symptoms. For example, communication problems may lead to a feeling of abandonment and neglect, while financial issues may lead to one seeking help elsewhere. The situation could lead to others taking advantage of the vulnerable one.

What I read from your note is that you have made a decision to leave. I think that decision is really yours to make. The truth is that you are hurt, angry, and feel betrayed. But you have a child to consider.

However, you should not mend fences with your wife just because of the child. Repair the bond because your desire goes beyond the child to a longing to be an extension of God’s healing.

Certain key issues, however, must be addressed if this is to happen:

1: Why does your wife want to return? This is a question you need to ask her. If this home was not the right place for her then, why would she think that it has suddenly become the right one to come back to now?

2: What was it that made her leave? You need to understand this so that it does not recur. If some of it was as a result of your failures, then make a choice to admit it. This, however, does not negate the fact that it was wrong for her to walk out on you.

3: How sure are you that she will not walk out again? You need to be assured of this. I know that there are no guarantees in marriage. But you need to be convinced that she is not just coming back to you solely for the sake of having a roof over her head, or because the man she was living with has left the country. If you approach these issues soberly — the way you talked with her ex-boyfriend — you will be satisfied with your next course of action.

4: If your next course of action is to visit a counsellor, then ensure that these issues are not glossed over, but dealt with fully and honestly, and new agreements set for your future together. If you decision is different, then both of you will have to leave with the consequences of a separation.

Do not rush the process; seek help — both divine and from counsellors. I have faith that you will have a breakthrough.
All the best, and tell us how it goes.

*****

Hi Philip,
I have a very serious problem. My ex-girlfried is moving with my best friend and I do not like this at all. Please help me solve this issue. I have warned her but she seems immune to my concerns.

Hi pal,

Since the two of you are not married yet, your girlfriend feels no obligation to respect the relationship you had.

My opinion is:

1: If she can turn a deaf ear to your request, there is no way she will truly do it after you marry.

2: If she is not interested in listening to you, maybe she finds the other person more attractive.

However, there is one thing you cannot do, and that is to force her to stop her relationship with the person she feels comfortable with.

Now if she is dating the two of you, I am of the opinion that you are wasting your time. It takes two people to make a relationship to work. I do not think your girlfriend is of the same mind as you. She has made her choice, and it is not you.

Move on, pal.