What a miserable second wife I am

Dear Kitoto,

I am a 40 and married for 15 years, but I am sad and frustrated. I got married to a businessman who had another family and many other children born out of wedlock. I am a civil servant.

Immediately after we got married, he left all the responsibilities to me. He brought all his illegitimate children to my house, which was very burdensome. Whenever I complained, he would beat me up.

His first wife would travel and leave her children with me. I did everything for the children, including visiting them in school. This became too much and I developed ulcers. Every time I asked him for money he would remind me that I also earned a salary.

He is so adulterous. He sleeps around with different women. This has affected his business and he is now jobless.

I became so stressed at some stage that I suffered depression and a mild stroke. My doctor advised me to take a transfer and leave him. I did so, but he followed me to my new station. He started chasing after every woman he could sight and was once beaten up in town for pursuing somebody’s wife.

He has refused to look for a job. He is comfortable staying at home and bringing women to my bed when I am at work. When I ask him to go out and look for employment, he says I am being unfair to him, and that he is looking for a place to go to. My worry is that he does not want to assist me to look after the children, and he expects me to take care of him without complaint.

To make myself a little happy, I started seeing another man. He is caring and loving to me.

My husband really mistreated me when he had money. Now he wants to force me to stay with him and take care of him. Right now, my children are at home because of lack of school fees, which he expects me to raise. What do I do? Please help me before I do something crazy.

Anonymous

Hi,

As much as I sympathise with you for all that you are going through, I am sorry to say that had you been wiser, you would have seen this coming.

First, you were giving yourself to him as a second wife. What did this mean? Why did he want you in his life? Many women who end up in a situation like yours do not take time to count the cost. Second, you were marrying a promiscuous man who had already started showing lack of responsibility.

I strongly advise that you move away and be firm with him. Look at ways of getting help to straighten out your life. Otherwise, you will find yourself infected with a sexually transmitted disease. I pray that you get your life in order.

For now I do not see how you could be entertaining another man. You are complicating your life further. You cannot judge your husband for things you are also guilty of. Sadly, I really do not see any value in the way you are living your life. Do something for yourself.

His naughty children drive me up the wall

Dear Kitoto,

I need a word of advise before I go crazy. I am 30 and married to a widower who has two boys aged 11 and six. It’s been two years of marriage, but I am on the brink of running away due to the behaviour of his children. They are so naughty. Giving them instructions is hell.

It hurts me because I am very kind to them. I have never done anything to break their hearts.

Sometimes we cooperate and they shower me with presents to show appreciation, but most of the time, they won’t do as they are told. Their father seems unbothered even when requested to help.

Should I just sit back and watch them go astray as long as it does not affect me? Kindly advise.

Frida

Hi,

One of the toughest issues of marrying a spouse with children from a previous relationship is comparison.

In as far as these children are concerned, they are comparing you with their mother. They may use this to take advantage of you through intimidation because they view you as a stranger. They may be driven by jealousy and the feeling that you have intruded on their space. Furthermore, they could use information to draw a wedge between their father and yourself.

The truth of the matter is that marrying their father does not automatically make you their mother. You have to earn their trust and help them heal.

What your husband should do is to affirm you to the children and show them that the two of you are on the same page. If this is not happening, I suggest that you befriend the children. Get time and show interest in what concerns them.

Do not come across as a “Mrs Right” who has come to take over. Try to be a friend who wants to learn about their fears, pain, difficulties, and desires for the future. Do not be in a hurry to fix everything. Relax and try to have fun with them and gain their trust.

Tempted go back to my horrible ex?
Dear Kitoto,

I had boyfriend who treated me badly. It was worse when I was pregnant after he led me to think that he really wanted a baby. He would drink and waste a lot of money instead of saving for the baby. I tried to talk to him but he did not care at all.

Just a few days before giving birth, I could not take it any more, so I left.

My parents had always told me to leave because they did not think he was a responsible person. I gave birth to a boy. However, the baby suffered complications and died after a week.

After that, I was depressed. I tried to talk to him but he was not there for me. While I was living with him, he had a friend who constantly came to my rescue. The friend and I are now dating.

However, my ex is against it and wants me back, saying he has changed. My boyfriend recently left the country for work. Long distance is so hard and I am tempted to go back to my ex. Please advise.

Joyce

Hi,

I am really sorry for the loss of your baby. We all make mistakes that make us regret, particularly when we remember the past. I pray that you may find enough love in God to allow him to heal you totally from your pain. This is what helps us to regain focus.

Thank God for your parents who took you in and gave you love and acceptance. But repentance must be followed by a dedication to live right. If this does not happen, we fall back into the same cycle over and over.

My worry is the way you are handling and managing your life. There is a saying, “Once bitten, twice shy”. Really, what has your former boyfriend seen in you that makes him want you back? Why would you even be confused and distraught about him? I suggest that you move on unless you have good reason to turn back. You have a life to live and a career and relationships to build.

Open your eyes. Be thankful for where God has put you today and make wiser choices for your future.

I need second opinion if she’s truly the one

Dear Kitoto,

I am 26 and my girlfriend and I are from the same village. We have been good friends for four years.

I love her and she also loves me. I have tried to stop thinking about her but I have failed.

My time is up to find someone to stay with and I feel that she is the best choice because she is a beautiful, faithful, and jovial. What should I do about this?

Rob

Hi,

Simple. Ask for her hand in marriage and if she agrees, go for marriage counselling. From there you will know what to do. Several things are going for you:

1. You seem to know each other well. Knowing your spouse’s past, upbringing, and likes and dislikes is a step in knowing whether you are suited for each other.

2. You see her as a beautiful, faithful, and happy person. Is this what you want? If so, be the same towards her.

Two people who cultivate good communication, an authentic relationship, and seek to truly think of the other as better than themselves will be on the right path. So, be sure of what you are looking for and go for it and invest and protect it when you find it.

The word of God says: “He who finds a wife, finds a good thing and obtains favour in the sight of God”.

Do a good job in finding and you will not be disappointed if you make wise choices.

It’s so painful she won’t marry me

Dear Kitoto,

I am writing to you because I feel disgusted, ravaged, and empty as a result of what I recently experienced. My girlfriend of three years recently informed me that she was getting married to someone else. Yet, we had plans to settle down next year.

We are of different ethnicity and she has fears that neither of us will be accepted by our families. My family is well off and we have never discriminated against tribe, so I doubt if tribe really is the reason.

The question is, should I let her go despite the fact that I love her, or should I try to stop their wedding? Do I have any chance here, legal or otherwise, of convincing her to stop the wedding.

It is disturbing, considering that for the three years we were together, we had the best of times. We would discuss everything that went wrong and forgive each other. I got a new job and left Nairobi. Now I wish I had turned down the job offer. Could she have been cheating on me since we met? As far as am concerned, I never suspected her.

What are my options here? For sure it is a bitter pill for me to swallow.

Should I marry before her to make her feel ashamed?

Disturbed

Hi,

First, I pray that you release her and respect her choice. It is a hard thing to do. Do not be surprised if you discover that her newfound lover is also from another tribe. Maybe tribe was the excuse she needed for the breakup. Her real reasons are only know to her and pressing will only make you anxious and bitter.

Do not allow this wound to lead you to make mistakes that can affect your future. Get this situation off you mind. Forgive and keep your focus. By the time you meet someone else and want a relationship, ensure that you do not allow pain, emptiness, bitterness, fear, or revenge to drive your actions.

Remember that part of the healing process is to forgive, be a blessing, and not to allow yourself to be driven by revenge.

Maybe if you had continued, your marriage would have broken up. Therefore, be the mature one.

However, most men tend to find it hard to repair their dented ego, particularly when the woman ends the relationship.

Friend, nothing will make you feel more of a man than to be one. You have the power through God to make life continue.

The truth is that, she is not your world. There is someone out there who will make you truly happy. Keep the faith.

I cannot take his suspicion any more

Dear Kitoto,

I am writing this as the last option to saving my marriage. I have been married for 10 years. We have two children.

My husband had a difficult childhood. It haunts him to date. His parents separated at a very early age and he grew up with his father. He blames me for everything and at times gets violent.

Last year, I went on a staff tour to Mombasa for four days. Now he brings it up daily, even accusing me of cheating. I do not know what to do because this Mombasa thing is breaking us up.

I do not want my children to grow up in a broken marriage. At the same time, I do not think I can take it any more.

He is a responsible man, but he has refused to let go of the past no matter how much I try. He has refused to go for counselling. I think I am on my way out. Please help.

Liz

Hi,

I am sorry to hear about the abuse in your relationship. Ten years is a long time. The two of you have two children to celebrate. However, what concerns me is why he turns his anger on you.

Marriages always encounter trying times. It is what we do with such moments that matters. As far as your relationship is concerned, ensure that you make an evaluation of what works and does not work for you. How then will you deal with this conflict in a positive and productive manner?

1. Make an effort to keep your marriage a safe place for all. Communicate your concerns with your spouse fairly and with respect. Remember, this is a climate you have to set in the home. It is not what he experienced or grew up in.

2. Make an effort to see things from your husband’s perspective. Defence will just open the door for further accusations. By this I do not mean that you accept responsibility for things you did not do. I am only asking that you make sacrifices that will help hold the family together.

3. Try to find out what he is feeling and what makes him get angry. Someone once said: “One spouse can’t know what the other is feeling if he/she isn’t listening to what the other is saying”.

4. We must be willing to be vulnerable. It is human nature for you to feel rejection from your spouse. However, you must ask yourself which is more important: the fear of rejection or the desire to solve the issue at hand?

5. Admitting that you could be wrong has the power to change the environment and restore trust and tolerance. When we do so, this action has the capacity to promote positive change in the marriage and help both of you to feel much better and more secure.