Why do I attract married men only, am I cursed?

Dear Kitoto

I am a 28-year-old woman with average looks and a great body. My worry is that all my life, I have never had a serious boyfriend, and I seem to only attract married men.

Once, I got involved with one and he thought I was serious, to the point that he decided to divorce his wife, I got scared and moved to another town.

The thought of wrecking someone’s marriage for my happiness scares me, but I need my own man.

The single men I have dated have often left me within a few days. I met the latest man online. He was so sweet and even promised to marry me.

We’ve not met in person, but for the last three weeks he hasn’t talked to me. When he’s online, I send him messages, which he sometimes replies or ignores.

I am confused and desperate as my biological clock is ticking. Is something wrong with me? How come only married men take notice of me? Am I cursed?

Hi,

The fact that men still see you as being attractive means that all is okay; it shows that someone wants to be with you.

I, therefore, do not think you are cursed. I also believe that you should not cry over spilt milk in regard to the single men who have come into your life and left.

If you did your best, then have confidence and look up with faith — married men are not an option. And, the ticking of your biological clock is a reality that should not scare you into doing something that you will regret later.

I think that the attitude you have about yourself and the values you hold will be key in helping you walk through this stage.

After many years of counselling and reading many books on marriage, I have come to discover that marriage is not all there is to life.

Though it is important and plays a major role, it is necessary to know that you can still achieve your potential without marriage.

Just as many have fruitful lives as married couples, many others have left marriage bitter and disappointed, and wished they had not got into marriage.

I know many other singles who have lived and made good of their lives without a spouse. Did they miss marriage, yes, but just because they never got a partner, that was not the end of their lives.

I would suggest that you evaluate your actions around the few men you have dated. For example, do they find you easy to get along with or intimidating?

Asking your close girlfriends may help reveal any behaviours or actions that may push some away.

Continue to engage yourself in hobbies or other things that you like doing; things that put your mind at ease.

This will build your sense of self-worth and self-confidence and make it possible for you to meet other like-minded people.

Your biggest battle will be with your mind, particularly how you handle the attitudes of others towards you, and the pressure from your African roots — societal expectations that come with delayed marriage, especially for a woman.

The pressure is mostly unspoken and when we look deep enough, we will find that this pressure is worsened by how we feel about ourselves. You need to be secure in yourself and realise that you don’t need someone to make you whole as you are already whole.

At 28, you are not old, and I feel that giving yourself pressure to marry as soon as possible might lead you to make wrong decisions.

Take your time, pray, visit places and find something that will keep you busy and your mind off the pressure of marriage and someone suitable will walk into your life.

Dear Philip,

I’m a 23 year old woman and I discovered that I was HIV-positive in June last year, having contracted it from a man I was going out with.

The man is more than 15 years my senior and married. He stayed by my side until a month ago when we went our separate ways.

The cause of our disagreement was the anger I had, especially after I found out it was his wife who was responsible.

I feel so guilty for being hard on him yet he too was going through a crisis. He said that I was suffocating him, but this was not my intention because I love him and would do anything for him.

I guess I forced him out of my life because I have such a negative attitude towards men and I thought he was planning to leave me, so I became very insecure.

I love him and I want to make things okay between us. He is the man of my dreams; kind, honest, good sense of humour and understanding.

I know everyone thinks he was using me (sugar daddy) but it’s not like that. I want him to leave his wife for me because they are clearly not happy in their marriage.

How do I reach out to him? How do I become more supportive? I can’t get over him and would do anything for him. Please help me because the stress is beginning to affect my health.

Hi,

I must say I empathise with your situation. But from the onset, I would encourage you to get your focus back and love yourself.

Fight for who you need to become in life; there is a lot life out there to be lived. I believe with God’s help, encouragement from friends and a determination to care for yourself, you will succeed and become fulfilled.

Pain and hurt from past issues only adds misery to our lives, while positive thinking helps one build a healthy outlook on life, and our mistakes end up becoming our learning experiences and stepping stones to achieving our potential.

I worry about your intention to make the man leave his wife. I wonder, if the roles were reversed, how would you feel? And I don’t think I would use the word honest to describe a person who cheats on his wife.

This man already has a history of lying to his wife and abandoning his family and will most likely leave you sometime down the road for someone new.

As much as I do not want to condemn him, he cheats on his wife, has infected you with HIV and has walked out on you. You need to take an honest and hard look at your life.

I feel that your priority now should be taking care of yourself as this stress will affect you negatively.

Please forget about this man because this situation can only get worse, not better. He may leave his wife for you, but immediately someone younger and more beautiful than you passes in front of him, he will leave you for her.

Hi Philip,

I’m 28 years old while my boyfriend is four younger. We have a really beautiful one-year-old relationship, which has not been affected by our age difference.

He has studied up to Form Four while I’m a graduate with a better job and salary than him (he is a tout).

This too hasn’t affected our relationship as I believe in loving a person for who they are and not what they have.

Many people, especially his friends and family, know about us but only a few of my family and friends know about us, in fact, only my younger brother knows.

The reason I hide the relationship is because our extended family is well off, known and respected in the whole village while his family is not so well of (he was raised by his grandparents as his single mother passed on when he was a child).

When it comes to marriage partners, my family expects that if you are a graduate and working you marry such a person (two of my siblings recently married graduates like them).

My boyfriend and I wish to marry next year and so I will have to introduce him to my family some day.

I am really afraid that they may reject him as he does not meet their standards (my elder sister suspected we have a relationship and told me that I’m dating a “funny” man).

We really love and respect each other and are committed to the relationship. My question is, must the well off marry the people who are as well off as them?

How will I approach my family? I love weddings but I’m thinking of not having one so as not to “shame” them, as they would put it.

Hi,

In recent times, weddings and marriage have become more of public relations exercises and opportunities for competition rather than the beginning of a relationship founded on a commitment of two people to each other and the values they hold.

It looks to me like you are truly in love and respect each other regardless of your age difference, social status and family upbringing.

In fact, this should be the case — we do not marry for our parents, in-laws, friends, work mates, or money.

I would suggest that you approach your parents through the one that you have a better rapport with.

Try and communicate faithfully and honestly the fact that as much as you respect them, you would like them to respect and support your decision.

There worries may be genuine, therefore, do not trivialise them, but seek to show them that this man is not manipulating you and that the relationship is based on trust, respect of each other and mutual support.

You also need to prove to all your siblings that this is real.

Or are there times you feel ashamed to be with him? Are you truly confident of being with him even if your parents were to totally say no, and even threaten to walk away from you?

Hiding or seeking to abandon your dream for a wedding is not the answer. At some point you will have to face the public with him. Start by proving to yourself and to all around you that you are proud of him.