The dilemma of lesbian schoolgirls

Rose* burst into tears as she poured out the suicidal thoughts overwhelming her in the counselling room in an upmarket suburb.

The 19-year-old schoolgirl with five same-sex partners — one of them 15 years her senior — was at her wits’ end. She could no longer stand her lesbian lifestyle, which was at odds with the norms according to which she was raised.

“How do I get out of this?” she asked clinical psychologist Dr Gladys Mwiti, the CEO of Oasis Africa, who says that Rose’s case is not unique. Rose couldn’t seek help from her parents, hence her trip to the counsellor.

Through a course of cognitive behavioural psychotherapy and religious guidance, the young woman was able to overcome her lesbian lifestyle, proving, according to Dr Mwiti, that homosexuality and lesbianism are not genetic, but learned behaviour.

“We know from behavioural psychology that what is learned can be unlearned,” she says.

Mwiti says that homosexuality and lesbianism are learned behaviours, which are validated in much the same way as people given to alcohol or drugs come to consider themselves alcoholics or drug addicts.

But while alcoholics and drug addicts can seek help through Alcoholics Anonymous and other rehabilitation programmes, “Homosexuals are taught to believe that they are normal”.

Living spoke to Dr Mwiti after a claim by Ms Loice Noo, a professional counsellor and Anglican Church of Kenya Sunday school teacher, during a different interview, that lesbianism was on the rise in girls’ boarding schools.

She blamed it on a crowded, mean-score-driven syllabus that denies children time to burn their pent-up sexual energies. Expressing concern over “the mean-score mania”, Ms Noo stressed the importance of recreation, including physical education and sports.

She noted that, in pursuit of academic excellence, schools were ignoring the physical, social, spiritual, and emotional aspects of children’s development, opening up avenues for sexual experimentation.

Ms Noo’s and Dr Mwiti’s sentiments are shared by Mrs Regina Wanderi, a family life counsellor with the Catholic Archdiocese of Nairobi. However, she attributes increasing lesbianism among schoolgirls to lack of awareness of their sexuality and how their bodies work.

Mrs Wanderi said that the girls seeking help from her tell her that they got into the habit to avoid Aids and pregnancy, but also because “It’s fun; I like it.”

The experts say it is quite normal for teenagers to feel sexually aroused, “especially when they are ovulating,” Mrs Wanderi adds.

A 13-14-year-old who does not feel sexually aroused would be considered abnormal, Dr Mwiti says. At such times, they are likely to become infatuated with males, and sometimes, with same-sex friends.

In boarding school, the attraction and infatuation may be directed towards other girls simply because they are there.

“At this tender age, every girl needs training in managing her sexuality,” Dr Mwiti says, “starting with the affirmation that her feelings are normal, and encouraging her to practise self-control.”

Ms Noo says that when a child of seven years who has been inducted into some value system, especially exercising self-control, does something contrary to what she was taught, she is caught in a crisis.

She harbours self-hate for going against her conscience, but is also captive to the pleasure she derives from indulging her sexual urge.

The catch 22 psychological crisis that marks such girls’ situation accounts for a sizeable proportion of teen counselling time. Young people need repeated reminders that they can act responsibly when they feel aroused. Girls, especially those sent to boarding school when they are very young, are often inducted into lesbianism by older girls, who tell them that they are lesbians.

But the fact that they are going for counselling shows that they realise that something is amiss.

“A voice from within tells them that what they are doing is not normal,” Dr Mwiti explains, adding that her clients talk of their guilt, helplessness, and other addictions such as pornography, and even drugs.

Many girls visit Dr Mwiti in a suicidal mood after a series of broken relationships.

“There is hardly any permanence is such relationships,” she notes.

The answer, she says, lies in teaching children to exercise self-control, not just in matters of sex, but in tackling other addictions.

“The more you practise self-control, the stronger you become,” she asserts.

“We need to teach our children that self-control goes together with self-respect and self-worth.” Dr Mwiti says, adding: “Let’s not treat the matter lightly. I’ve seen enough broken people.”

She argues that lesbians and homosexuals are not stigmatised, at least, not the ones who seek her help.

“Nobody is stigmatising them because nobody, not even their parents, knows about their sexual orientation,” she explains, calling on parents and society to tackle the problem head-on.

Mrs Wanderi notes that parents might inadvertently be driving their children into same-sex experimentation. “Parents like it when they see their children with same-sex friends, oblivious of the insidious side of such friendships,” she explains.

She also attributes homosexuality and lesbianism to rising cases of separation and divorce, which create cynicism in children.

“They don’t see anything to attract them to the opposite sex,” she explains.

Thus, while the family should be the child’s first school of virtue, “You can’t give what you don’t have,” says Mrs Wanderi, echoing Dr Mwiti, who says: “A mentor needs to be a role model.”

Dr Mwiti, whose agency has helped girls in boarding schools, has insights into the genesis of the habit. Children as young as 11 years are inducted into the habit by older girls in “gang recruitment.”

One girl told her of how the group would spin a bottle, and the one whom it faced would be the partner of a designated older girl. Refusal to cooperate would be punished.

A child brought up to have self-respect “feels dirty and guilty” after such an encounter, Dr Mwiti explains.

Forcing little girls into lesbian relations is one way older girls use to bully newcomers, Dr Mwiti says. “It’s part of the ‘monolisation’ process and devastates the victims.”

However, some girls go to boarding school with their innocence already shattered. Fathers are sexually arousing their little daughters, not necessarily through penetrative sex, but by fondling their breasts and touching their private parts, the counsellor says.

She gave the example of a girl who went through such treatment between the ages of 11 and 13, and who later fell easy prey to an older woman, and sometimes, older men.

Dr Mwiti attributes lesbianism in boarding schools to poor support for girls, saying some teachers don’t know what is happening to the students.

“In our days, we had parents and teachers who mixed freely with us, but today, are we supporting and caring for children in the family?” she asks.

Borrowing from the biblical verse saying: “Train the child in the way he should go, and when he is old he will not turn from it," Dr Mwiti states that training the child is not just a Christian imposition but is also part of our traditional heritage.

Some experts attribute lesbianism and homosexuality among children to media influence, which drives youngsters’ appetite for pornography.

They say that lesbianism is one of the main reasons teenagers are seeking psychological counselling.