Yes, marriage is hard work, but it is worth the effort

“The only way out in marriage is working it out.”

I recently came across this quote, which I thought aptly captured what marriage should be about.

During my 16 years of marriage, and over 10 years of marital counselling and coaching, I have often wondered why it is that couples put very little effort in their marriage, yet wish to live “happily ever after”, as they say in the fairy tales.

A happy marriage, not just a marriage where two people stay together, or tolerate each other just because of the children, takes hard work, not wishful thinking.

We work hard for our careers, sacrificing even our families for the sake of our upward mobility in the companies we work for.

We work weekends, even holidays, when we should be spending time with our families. We burn the midnight oil to pass those MBA exams.

We wear ourselves out running a business or two on the side, or working overtime, to bring in more money so that we can quickly pay off the mortgage. But we hardly do anything worthwhile to see that our marriages thrive.

Most couples come to see my wife and I only when their house starts to burn. That’s when things are so bad, that it now requires a lot of energy, and a miracle to salvage it.

By that time, many of them have gone through so much; and have hurt each other so deeply, that restoring the relationship becomes a herculean task.

My heart goes out to the many pastors and counsellors who take their time to help couples save their marriages.

They say prevention is better than cure, and this is also true in marriage. Instead of waiting until things go south, why don’t we arrest the situation immediately or better still, why don’t we arm ourselves in readiness for such an eventuality?

Mind you, I’m not suggesting that if we do so we will never have problems in our relationships.

Marriage is like a school. But unlike the conventional school where you’re taught first and then tested later, in marriage as in life, you do the test first and then learn later.

So every test that you are faced with in marriage is really packaged together with some valuable lessons which if learnt, will not only help your marriage, but will make you a better individual as well.

We need to be proactive, rather than reactive in our marriages. By being intentional in marriage, we are being proactive.

That’s why you need someone in your, a coach who can help you and walk with you through certain things that you need to walk through to succeed in marriage.

You need someone who can give you support and hold you accountable for your actions. You need to come up with certain action steps based on your resolutions after the last “beef” you had with each other.

Lack of follow up by the one helping you and follow through on your part will take you back to square one.