Matasia Star, oh, the humanity!

I recently watched what’s without a doubt, the worst video and probably the worst singer in Kenya. I had to apologise to my ears and eyes and had to kneel facing the wall to think about the bad things I did to them.

She is called Jakiwa or Matasia Star, and the song is called “Life history”. Yes, you would rather be thrown down a 40-story staircase than watch this video. Ok, I lie but you get the idea right?

We did not fight for independence, lower the Union Jack and change the Constitution so that Jakiwa could come up with such songs. It violates the rights of every Kenyan and I expected to see the Human Rights guys issue a statement.

Now, the video is shot, I believe, somewhere in Matasia and she is in the middle of the road with her four dancers who look like they are digging instead of doing the helicopter dance.

The video is like a train wreck, you don’t want to watch but you can’t help yourself. You want to be that eye witness on TV who talks about “Niliskia sauti kubwa, Boom, harafu nikaiona ikigonga muti...”

The one thing you have to keep remembering to do is picking your jaw from the floor and ensuring your eyes don’t fall off the socket because once is not enough.

The first time you watch it, you have this feeling that your brain is playing tricks on you because there is no way someone could have done such a video or worse, a song.

The second time you see things you had not seen the first time, like the extra dirty Probox that passes behind her. This, I believe, is the first time a Probox has been featured on a video.

So Camp Mulla with your fancy Audi can go fuel in the next petrol station, Jakiwa has a car that can go from Nairobi to Meru with a drop of fuel and the dirtier it is, the more character it has.

The third time, yes, there will be a third time, you notice that she is squatting smack in the middle of a hedge wearing a cocktail dress talking about “Unajifanya kunguni unyonye nani damu ya nani? Damu ni yangu.”

Don’t even worry about how she got in the hedge, stew in that line again and realise just how fake a rough diamond Jakiwa is. She is hilarious and from the video hits, you can tell people could not stop watching it.

This is the kind of video about which I won’t even bother to tell her what she could have done differently because this is courage and ignorance all rolled into one and dipped in some quack sauce.

At the end of the year, this video has to be on the “videos of the year” list and one doesn’t even need to say whether it is good or bad.

This is how viral the video is, as I pen this, the video has 18,000 hits and from the look of things, when you include the video, transport, clothes, paying the dancers and the auto-tune, Jakiwa spent the equivalent on the video.

Check out Camp Mulla who have the best video so far in 2012 and they have 13,000 hits. Must have spent the equivalent in dollars.

What I can tell Jakiwa though is, you are popular now, you can be the next Avril or Marya if you travel to Nairobi, with the Probox of course and come meet some producers.

Not many people use such means to stardom so be the first. But lose those moves and stop trying to be Beyonce behind a bar in what looks like a toilet corridor. But thanks for the entertainment. I mean it.

Now go make another ‘hit’ song.