WIVES: ’We are not slaves’

• Following the overwhelming response we received from an article carried two weeks ago on why women are losing their homes to their house-helps, we decided to let the women air their views. They were a startling eye-opener that men will want to consider.

Two weeks ago, we did an article highlighting the challenges that Kenya’s career women are facing, while trying to balance work, studies and family.

The article observed that in most cases, as the woman’s career grows, and as she files another degree, diploma or certificate to her already impressive education achievements, her family, seemingly forgotten in the scheme of things, is the one that suffers the brunt of her longer working hours to meet the increasing demands of her plum position at work, and the extra hours spent attending evening classes.

As a result, a rift develops between her, her husband, and her children, especially because they no longer spend meaningful time with each other, therefore, losing touch of each other’s needs and the love they once felt.

To show how serious a problem this was, we recounted one woman’s experience, a successful career woman who lost her husband to their house-help of 10 years. When she confronted her husband, he justified his actions by stating that the paid help had been more of a wife and mother to their children than she had.

While the men applauded the article, calling it timely, it also caused an uproar among women readers, who said that their working hard, earning higher salaries and furthering their education was no excuse for men to cheat on them with their house-helps or any other women.

It was just a poor excuse by men who were threatened by their (women’s) success, men who were unwilling to applaud their accomplishments, even though they benefited from it.

The women also pointed out that given the hard economic times, it is necessary for both men and women to work, to meet the rising costs of raising a family.

Then came the crucial question: Why should it be okay for the man to do all it takes to further his career – work late, take on more responsibilities at work, which will take him away from his family, and go for further studies so that he could burst the corporate ceiling, yet they protested when their wives dared do the same?

Wrote Dorothy: “I sympathise with Margaret who worked herself to the bone for her family only to be rewarded with a broken home. Every day, men are doing what Margaret was doing: working late, coming home late, spending days away from home and furthering their careers, yet they expect their wives to be happy and understanding of their absence because after all, they are providing for the family!

A woman does the same and she gets branded as a bad wife, a bad mother and a bad homemaker, yet she too, is providing for the family.

Today’s couples are both working full time jobs, taking evening classes and getting home late and tired and yet when they get home, the man takes his position at the couch while the wife attends to the children and the home.

Today’s woman has to be a super woman who provides for the family financially, nurtures her kids, makes her home and provides for the whims of her husband, while also furthering her career.

This expectation is too much for her. My advise to men, Dorothy adds, is that instead of sulking and looking for attention elsewhere (such as in the maid’s arms), support and encourage your wives, nurture your marriage and be appreciative of her efforts.

However, couples, as they continue to climb the corporate ladder, should not forget that their family’s happiness is their top priority and neither should neglect the other’s needs.”

This letter triggered the question: Are men really supporting their wives as they should? Are they proud of their accomplishments or threatened by their success?

Most of the women we talked to, as well as those who wrote in, majority of them married, felt they were getting a raw deal from their men.

This is the scenario they all painted regarding their married lives. Though they and their husbands both work, holding down a typical 8am to 5pm job, they are the ones who wake up at least 30 minutes earlier to prepare their husbands breakfast, iron and lay out his clothes and ensure that the children are well prepared for school.

Some women even run the bath for their husbands and polish his shoes. Later in the evening, they will both get home bone tired, yet as their husbands collapse on the couch and reach for the remote control as they sip a steaming cup of tea, prepared by the wife, her duty remains incomplete until she pops into the kitchen to ensure that the house-help is preparing supper and that the baby is fed and changed. She also ensures that everything, including the children’s homework, is done.

An hour later, the husband, having had a hot filling meal, will contentedly doze on the sofa. It is the overworked woman who will have to shake him awake to go to bed.

Once in bed, the husband will expect her to be receptive towards his sexual advances, never mind that it is a few minutes towards midnight and she is exhausted, resentful and anything but loving towards her partner, who never lifts a finger to help out.

“Even after doing everything to make his life comfortable, my husband is unappreciative of my efforts,” says Faith Mulwa, a frustrated 35-year-old mother of two who has been married for six years.

Ms Mulwa discloses that her husband only eats food prepared by her, meaning that no matter how late she arrives home, she has to head to the kitchen to cook for him.

Initially, she was flattered that he enjoyed her meals so much, but once the children came along and her responsibilities increased, she began to feel the strain.

“Just two weeks after giving birth to our first born, he expected me to whip him up those elaborate meals I used to prepare,” she says. This is when she begun to resent her ‘act of love’.

A year ago, she joined a local university to study for a degree in Sociology, a long standing dream she had deferred for several years. This has meant that the earliest she arrives home is 9pm. While their children will have had supper prepared by the house-help, her husband who gets home hours earlier will be patiently waiting for her to cook his meal.

“I wish men would be less stubborn and more understanding and supportive of us. I hate going home in the evening because I know what awaits me,” she adds.

One “Saturday” reader, Semhal, acknowledges that though one of the challenges facing families today is striking a balance between their careers and family life, the problem did not arise because women started working, rather, because of the unwillingness of men to share domestic responsibilities.

“This problem arises when women’s responsibility to care for their family financially is not equally supported by shared domestic work by their partner,” she says, adding that society has piled women with too many responsibilities, yet they are not equipped with the know-how to fulfill them all.

“Both should be responsible for finding the balance between nurturing career and family,” she says, adding that if a husband feels that his wife is neglecting the relationship, he should discuss his it with her, instead of using it as an excuse to cheat on her.

Another reader, Susan Atieno, also feels that men have abdicated their roles as fathers, citing her own experience. “My husband has never set foot in our children’s school since they joined four years ago. I am the one who attends the open days, goes to pay their school fees and attends all other functions including sports days, yet both parents are expected to attend and participate,” she says, adding that her husband always cites work as an excuse for not accompanying her.

“Before men accuse their wives of neglecting and deserting them, they should ask themselves what their contribution towards the home and raising their children is,” she says.

Linet wambui, a 40-year-old divorced mother of three, decries the double standards employed by men, especially when it comes to their contribution in the home.

“Since the woman is working and contributing to the family’s bread basket, a duty that was traditionally viewed as the man’s, the man too should be prepared to help out at home, because this will make the woman’s load lighter. After all, she has made his lighter, yet he does not complain,” she says.

A wife is not a slave

Granted, the role of a wife in our society has drastically changed in the last several decades. Traditionally, she was the homemaker, the one who looked after the home and the children while the man went out to gather the evening meal. She was not involved in any major decision-making. Times have changed, however, and women are helping their men do what they have done time immemorial.

However, as those we interviewed stressed, the role of the man has not changed and the woman ends up taking on more than she is capable of, and as result, some aspects of her life are likely to suffer due to the tipped balance, one that can be restored if the man is willing to step in and shoulder some of the responsibility.

cnjunge@nation.co.ke