Keeping the fire burning

My husband, Laurence, sits up in bed, excitedly pointing to the news graphic. “Jeez! The average married couple has sex three times per week. Man, am I deprived.”

I suppress a groan, hoping I won’t have to make up for lost time. Before baby Maxwell was born, I loved sex. But caring for a colicky two-month-old, who wakes screaming three times per night, exhausts me. I can’t remember how an uninterrupted night of sleep feels anymore but I bet I’d enjoy it. When I finally get Maxwell back to sleep, I fall into bed exhausted. Of course by that time, sex is the least of my priorities.

Laurence has a reversed priority list. He finds me less sexy since I had Maxwell, even though I wear lingeries and those see-through night wears. He flashes me a hopeful look and gives me the body hug that signals he’s in the mood. All I want is sleep but we haven’t made love for a while so I agree. Before we can even get through a hug, Maxwell’s ear-piercing shriek jars us.

Whew! It will take another half-hour to resettle him and by then Lawrence will be fast asleep. My paediatrician tells me colic usually resolves itself by three months. I look forward to craving something besides a quick shut eye. Nine months later, my sex life improves, but not much. When we make love, I enjoy it but starting the process seems like too much effort for me so unless Lawrence does, I’m usually just happy to fall asleep.

Maxwell suffers from repeated ear infections and still doesn’t sleep well and my wailing night-owl has morphed into an 11-month-old destruction machine. Nothing is safe around him. Maxwell throws dishcloths, socks or tupperware over his shoulder until drawers are empty. He sneaks into my library and empties bookshelves, tearing some books along the way. I chase after him all day, cleaning up trails of towels, books and unrolled toilet paper. My cat and dog flee in terror from Tornado Max.

Lawrence has become a sex-starved maniac. It turns him on if I sneeze. He finds me a goddess in a ponytail and baggy sweats. He sighs when I rebuff his advances, and sighs again when I give in. “I feel like I always have to talk you into this. Do you think you’ll initiate lovemaking ever again?” he keeps asking me.

“Sure honey,” I lie, hoping the rumour that my sex drive will return when I’m less exhausted is true. Lawrence and I make love a couple of times a week. I catch myself hoping he’ll hurry through it one night and feel miserable for thinking like this, seriously starting to worry.
I’m only 30 and supposed to have a lifetime ahead of me for making love. I want to feel the volcanic excitement I used to feel when we were dating and even after we got married. Will our sex life ever return to normal? I wonder miserably.

My friend, Kate, calls to announce she’s six weeks pregnant with her first child. Kate and I plan a lunch with two other friends to celebrate her news. A week later, the four of us meet at a restaurant in town, settle into our seats and make our orders. I take a deep breath, eager to find out from my close friends if my strained sex life is normal. “Little Maxwell has become a tornado. I’m forever exhausted at night and Lawrence constantly wants to make love, driving me insane. Do you guys enjoy sex after having kids?” I ask earnestly.

“No way! I’d rather sleep,” cries chubby Kerry. She dips a garlic breadstick in bleu cheese dressing and takes a bite. “Or eat.” (Her name has been changed so her husband doesn’t kill me.) Maryanne laughs. She mothers three children under age seven, with the dark under-eye circles and shaggy ponytail to prove it. “Sex? Sounds familiar but I’m too tired to remember what it means anymore. Everyone I know with small children feels the same way.”

“I’m glad it’s not just me,” I sigh. Surely I’ll feel differently someday. Maybe when Maxwell goes to school. “What are the three of you talking about?” cries Kate. “James and I get cosy almost every night. I wouldn’t miss it for the world.” The rest of us flash her a superior look. Maryanne says, “We’ll give you time to have your baby and then report back to us in six months.” Maryanne twirls the end of her ponytail.

“There’s hope, though. My friend, Jennifer, wrapped herself in Saran Wrap like in “Fried Green Tomatoes” and called her husband home early from work the day her 3-year-old entered pre-school. She said her sex drive suddenly came back from nowhere and hit her like a brick.” Kate says, “That wouldn’t work for me. My cellulite wrapped in plastic would surely traumatise my hubby.”

I envision the extra six pounds I gained during pregnancy which I haven’t yet shed. “I’d have to try something more opaque.” It feels good to laugh about ‘my issue’ with my friends because I don’t feel so alone anymore. Shortly after Maxwell’s first birthday, a doctor recommended putting tubes in his ears. He said with these, he would sleep through the night and he does and so do I.

I’m reading in bed a month after my meeting with the girls when Lawrence enters the bedroom. He removes his shirt and throws it towards the laundry basket. Hummm ... he looks good standing there bare-chested in his jeans. His shoulders were always broad but his stomach is flat from running with Maxwell in the baby-jogger. I welcome an almost forgotten surge of desire as he removes his jeans and slips into bed. I turn to him. “Honey that striptease really turned me on.”

He stares at me. “What?”
“Oh, really?”
“Of course. Guess I was just too tired to notice.” I grin. “I’m wide awake now…..|”
“Ask and you shall receive.” He looks relieved before embracing me.
The reality is that after a man and woman promise “I do,” their unique journey as a married couple begins without an instruction manual.

And if and when children come into the family’s picture, the marriage partnership, no doubt, becomes even more interesting and complicated. ‘As my husband and I mark each wedding anniversary, I feel a sense of accomplishment that we’ve shared another year together’, says my friend Esther. Each challenge we face together and every argument we have – or avoid – brings us closer together. Experience is a good teacher.

In the Beginning

Learning from other married couples – in or out of your circle of family or friends –can also provide plenty of information and inspiration. Beth Ruhiu* from Thika and her husband Patrick have been married nearly 30 years. They have three sons, two in their 20s and a teenager. Beth believes it’s important to keep in mind every day why you married your partner.

“Remember how you would have done anything in your early days to be together. You’d have moved heaven and earth, if that’s what it took. So on the days that the children are throwing up, the mortgage payment is late and the dog ran away – sometimes that’s what being together looks like. When I think about how lucky I am to be living day-to-day with the love of my life, the messiness of ordinary life seems bearable, even precious,” says Beth.

Remembering why you got married will also remind you to treat your partner well – he or she is the love of your life, not your maid or auto mechanic. “This is the essential frame of reference for all behaviours going forward. If you treat him with respect, he’ll respond with respect. You do things for him to make his day easier; he’ll respond and do things for you to make your day easier.”

Linda Kiptum, and her husband Charles, who live in Nairobi, have been married for 35 years and have three grown children. “We’re grateful for God-given gifts of humour, humility and stubbornness, without which we’d never have made it this far,” Linda says. “Compromise” is at the top of the Kiptums’ list for a healthy marriage. Couples need to compromise thousands of times in a marriage.

Early in their marriage, they realised an important truth: “A good marriage is never about me.” “Spending years under the same roof and sharing the same bed taught us that we don’t always get to have our own way, it taught us that that we should always be ready to give up something for the other,” Linda says.

The couple also keep kindness and forgiveness on the table. This isn’t always easy to do, especially with couples who accumulate a large arsenal of resentments or annoyances over the years. “Face it, most of us have a pretty good litany of past botch ups and grievances,” Linda says. “What’s the point of throwing them on each other’s face?”

Building a solid foundation

Hundreds of books line library and store shelves on the ingredients for a successful marriage. Reading together about the commitment of marriage can provide fresh perspective, insight and encouragement. For couples seeking advice and guidance outside of their own social network, professional counsellors can be extremely helpful. When Nelson Wambugu, a marriage and family therapist, works with couples, he recommends playing TAG.

He sees some confused looks until he explains the acronym – Thankfulness, Appreciation and Gratefulness. Make it a habit to tell your partner what you enjoy about them. Playing TAG helps to construct a solid foundation for your relationship. After a couple has children, they especially need to honour their relationship by spending time together alone every day. Build a friendship in your marriage.

Wambugu recommends going out on dates twice a week. These dates can be simple, such as meeting for coffee or going to the movies. Even just taking a leisurely walk together in the evening twice a week can turn into a fulfilling date. Wambugu and his wife, Christine, have been married for over 30 years and have raised four children together.

They established such a solid routine that their grown children still talk about it today. When Wambugu came home from work, the first 20 minutes would be devoted to talking with his wife. The children learned that was time for their mom and dad. This practice is part of the “Five Magic Hours” from the book The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work (Orion, 2004) by John M. Gottman and Nan Silver.

Gottman recommends that successful couples spend 20 minutes a day on reunions back home after work to talk. Other practices of the “five magic hours” include spending five minutes a day expressing admiration and appreciation, and five minutes daily showing affection (holding hands and hugging).

It’s all part of keeping communication alive. “Talk, reminisce, laugh, cry,” Charles Kiptum says. “Really, it’s when the conversation goes silent that the marriage goes dead. As a couple, we argue, talk politics, share jokes, talk about our day. True, life isn’t one big exciting adventure day after day, but it is in the small things – some might argue routine – that we share that make the majority of the minutes and days of our life.”

When talking with your partner, Wambugu says, it’s most effective to simply be clear and say what you want. Don’t give men hints. “We’ve all heard how men and women communicate as if they’re from different planets,” she says. “Well, sometimes that feels true. So, women, if you want an ostentatious bouquet of flowers sent to the office for Valentine’s Day, better tell your guy exactly that.”

Keeping the intimacy alive

After a couple has a baby, their intimacy can suffer, says Mary Wafula, a nurse-midwife at Kenyatta National Hospital. The fatigue, the physical and emotional changes can leave one or both partners lacking desire and/or energy to engage in sex. Yet there are ways to keep your love life alive.

Studies show that couples that commit to work as a team when it comes to raising their children and running their household, engage in a healthier sex life. Mary often asks a woman suffering from a lack in sexual desire, “Is the partner helpful as far as taking care of the housework?” Take the time to hammer out domestic issues, and you may find more joy and harmony in all areas of your relationship.

Although it may be uncomfortable, couples need to learn to discuss their sex life. “It’s a tough thing to talk about, but really important,” Mary says. “If we can talk about it, that’s half the battle won.” Find out what you need to do to enjoy private time together, such as having a lock on the bedroom door. Also, as unromantic as it may sound, couples with children need to schedule their intimate times.

“Some of the most successful couples have no problem making sure the children go to bed early this way, they get to have their time together at the end of the day,” Mary says. “That’s their sacred time together.” Mary recommends to women to “be romantic first. Women expect men to be romantic, but are they themselves romantic?

Do we leave him notes, give him the special smile, call him just to see how he is? Do we do all the things we expect done to us by our men?  “Don’t be afraid to be womanly,” she says. “You don’t have to dress like a beauty queen, but if you’re going out to dinner, fuss a little. Put on your lipstick and sparkly earrings. Let him know that you want to look nice for him.”

Couples in long-term relationships can get into a rut. “Novelty is so important in maintaining desire for both men and women,” Mary says. Couples can be creative with their time together. Try massages, and lingerie to spice things up. Set the mood with candles, soft lighting and clean, fresh sheets. Mary further recommends visiting online stores or other sources, such as awomanstouchonline.com, for ideas to jump start your love life.

“Don’t forget that you were man and woman, husband and wife before you were Mom and Dad,” Wambugu says. “Raising a family is so overwhelming, so all-encompassing, that weeks and even months can go by without a conversation on anything other than children and daily routines. But the best thing you can do for your children is to stay in love with each other. That creates a safe and harmonious environment for your family and gives your children an example of positive adults who treat each other well.”