A man’s wish list for 2013

New Year resolutions? That is for pansies. Still, New Year evokes thoughts of a fresh start on a clean slate. And the beauty of it is the admission that we are not happy with who we are, and that we could be better people in the next 12 months. Whether we actually realise that quest is another thing all together.

Given that this column is a relationship column, it is often (OK, always) biased towards articulating issues that we guys face. Although women might see it as misogynistic, it actually is a way for women to understand the things that make us — their men — happier.

And so it is our hope that 2013 will be a better year for our women and us. But things do not just happen; there is a method to all the sanity. As much as we have a role to play in our own happiness, there are things we would like our women to do for us, changes they need to make, to make us happier than we already are.

Cooking proves you love us

First, we wish that women would shorten their stories. Not that we do not find the tales interesting, or that they are not good orators with their pitchy rhythm; it is just that we have heard the unnecessarily long-winded stories before. From them.

The trick is to keep it brief. Go right to the point if you can but if you cannot, do not deviate from the main story too many times because you will lose us.

In the New Year, we hope that women will find purpose in the expression “bury the hatchet”, which means they will not unbury stuff that happened this year.

Or three years back. Which means all of our ills from this year will not be raised in moments of anger or frustration and they shall not be used to make us feel worse than we are already likely to be feeling during such heated moments. Bygones should be bygones.

We also pray that women will resolve to, at least, attempt to cook us a meal and see if it will break their nails or ruin their hair, uhm, weave, or whatever. Supermarkets have devised a way to make life easier by having ready-to-eats that you can toss into a microwave and boom! Lunch is served. And that is OK, really.

“Once in a while, it would be nice to smell onions frying in my digs,” lamented my bachelor (but dating) pal, Chris*, “that way I know I’m dating a woman, and not a senior legal adviser.”

This year, we are hoping against hope that our women will accept some of our friends for who they are. They may not meet their various tests of integrity, seriousness, or stability, but our women should take them as the broken men they are, and also trust us to know which side of our toast is buttered.

Beauty is a good thing. Every one of us wants a woman who is beautiful, even if it is only on the inside. But artificial beauty is a no-no. And artificial here could be anything from enhancing your hips by wearing padded panties, to tattooing your eyebrows.

Let us hope we will see less cosmetic innovation in 2013, because it makes women look more plastic than human. Otherwise a time might come that we might just as date mannequins.

If there is one thing that men are unanimous about, it is that a nagging woman is not sexy. Spewing venom day in day out is the ugliest character any woman can have. So, 2013 should be the year during which women employ more maturity and diplomacy in addressing issues with men, including the breed that does not listen, namely, most of us.

Speak your mind, gently

Lastly, and perhaps for the last time this year: we do not read minds. We have never read minds, and it is unlikely that we will be reading minds in 2013. So, women should stop assuming that we “get them” (that soul mate thing has more to do with your understanding of what an offside means than it has to do with a man being able to read your mind).

We do not know when you are mad, or disappointed, or if you want us to do something about something. Saying what you feel or want never hurt anyone, and it also saves a lot of time.

Generally, nobody wants to have the same old conversations in 2013. Or have the same fights, or go through the same issues that defined this year. We shall do our part, and yes, that includes leaving the toilet seat down.

Happy New Year.