Beware the serial monogamist

Is that new man you have been eyeing at the office the good guy or a present day version of the heart breaker?

By current definition, the male serial monogamist is a man who has had many sexual partners in his lifetime but only ever one at a time.

He will enter into a series of short-term exclusive relationships one after the other. This dating pattern has become increasingly popular and accepted in recent years.

We all seem to know at least one man who is always in a serious relationship which, however, does not last very long.

Owing to the fact that he remains faithful while in a relationship, this man is often seen as a good guy. On the contrary, he leaves a trail of broken hearts in his wake.

*Lucy is nursing one such heart after the end of what she describes as a short and intense relationship with a serial monogamist.

When they met, she remembers Oliver relentlessly pursuing her.

He would send flowers to her office, send her funny text messages and ‘bump’ into her whenever she was with her girlfriends having coffee or drinks.

When she finally gave in and they got together, he was gentle, sweet, charming and seemed genuinely interested in a serious relationship with her.

“He was overly accommodating and what won me over was how he took a liking to my daughter barely two months into the relationship,” the single mother of one says.

She partly blames herself for getting hurt because she can remember him saying in passing something to the effect that he was afraid of making a lifetime commitment just as he was of casual sex but she believed she could change that or that he would come around with time.

She confides that for the seven months that the affair lasted, their relationship was near perfect. It was all about her and her world and he made sure he met her halfway each time.

He was everything a woman would want in a man. Attentive, romantic and generous. She even started thinking about spending the rest of her life with him when he suddenly pulled away and became distant.

He began giving excuses for not spending time with her. He would take time before calling her or returning her calls.

Lucy racked her brain wondering what could have gone so wrong that he no longer wanted to be with her.

Then one day he told her that he was moving out of town and thought it was better for both of them if she moved on with her life.

To say that Lucy was confused and devastated would be an understatement. What hurt her even more was that she still saw him around town and knew that saying he was moving out of town was a lame excuse to keep her off.

When she realised that she had played all her cards right and that he would have left her anyway, she let him go.

That was three months ago and as she is still struggling to get over him. He is already in another committed relationship, leaving her even more perplexed.

She says that she is hesitant to put her eggs in one basket again and is now suspicious of any man who approaches her for a relationship.

*Mark, a self-confessed serial monogamist describes this feeling as loving to fall in love.

He reveals that in his 35 years , he has been in and out of more serious relationships than he can count on both hands and has been in love enough times.

Although he values staying faithful while in a relationship, he says that he finds the notion of being with just one person for a lifetime confining.

He says that there isn’t one perfect person for anyone. The person one is with is perfect at that time.

He admits that he has been labelled emotionally immature and indecisive several times but maintains that he is just honest with himself and others and he puts himself first.

From Mark’s point of view, not every relationship needs to lead to marriage.

“People grow at different rates and sometimes end up wanting different things as they grow older. When I break up with a woman, it doesn’t necessarily mean that I don’t love her anymore.

“For me, it means that the relationship has run its course.  What is important is that I learn something about myself after each relationship,” he claims.

Apart from one woman he was dedicated to who left him, he says he has initiated all his break-ups. He believes that it is better to break off a relationship that isn’t working for him than to cheat on the side. 

“The first thing I do after getting out of a relationship is try to get into a new one. Once or twice, I’ve had to put off a break-up long enough to find a replacement for the then girlfriend,” he explains.

“So, would you rather be with a man who is player and dates several women at the same time or a serial monogamist? I ask Nyakeru, a 26-year-old woman who is currently single.“The player,” she answers after some thought.

“Although breaking up is inevitable in both situations, getting dumped by a serial monogamist is a bit more personal and painful, ” she says.

In her opinion, a player doesn’t get very involved emotionally but the serial monogamist leads you on then ends up not wanting a commitment to you in any way at all and if pushed, they end the relationship leaving the other party doubting the sincerity of their emotions in the first place.

A psychologist’s view

According to counseling psychologist Dr Terry Gathingu, each individual has a comfort zone and for the serial monogamist, it is found in having a significant other.

For such men, it feels safer to be in a relationship even if it doesn’t last till death.

She further adds that a man with this tendency lives in some degree of a fantastical environment and enjoys the beginning phase of a relationship but is unable to commit in the long-term.

She explains that people are naturally afraid of making a lifelong commitment but for the serial monogamist, the fear of commitment is very real.

She says that these commitment issues often stem from childhood influences. A man who had a turbulent childhood that lacked successful relationships he could look up to, is highly likely to have commitment issues. 

Men who possess perfectionism as a character trait may also be unable to commit to one person in the long-term and sometimes go to the extent of stage-managing a break-up when they feel as if the relationship is headed the serious way. 

There are also those that are overly concerned about what others think about them. For this person, getting together with someone else after a break-up is some sort of proof or validation that there is nothing wrong with them.

They want an affirmation that the problem, if any, is with the other person and not them. Then there is another lot who get bored of a partner sometime into a relationship.

She explains that this kind is always in search of a new buzz and their break-ups tend to be unemotional.