Can you change your child’s personality?

Every parent wants the best for their child — including, and most especially, a personality that allows them to navigate the world in future with relative ease.

It is comforting to be the parent of an extrovert toddler who loves to make friends, dominates his or her group, and gets along with everyone — parents can breathe easy in the knowledge that their child will grow up to be a social, sociable adult.

Parents of introverts, however, worry that their child will be bullied at school and throughout their life, and that they will make themselves an easy, defenseless target.

Mary, 27, is the mother of a four-year-old boy. “When he was younger my son David was quiet and reserved and I wondered if he would get along with other children,” she says.

“I used to worry about his social skills and wondered how I could make him tough.” At the time, Mary and her son were living in an estate where there were few children for David to socialise with.

They have since moved to another estate where there are many children around his age and David has started school. His true personality has now emerged.

“These days he has a little “gang” of children who listen to him as if he’s their leader,” says Mary. “He enjoys riding his bike and playing with them, and once he meets up with his friends, they are inseparable,” she glows.

Is it something that Mary did that changed the way that David related to others? According to the experts, no. All she did was move him to an area where his true personality was allowed to blossom now that he was in regular contact with children his age.

Different from birth

Many child psychologists will tell you that babies are born with their personalities already formed — and any parent of two or more children can also attest to the fact that all babies are different right from birth. Babies born to the same parents — even identical twins — can be as different as night and day.

According to Dr Harvey Karp, paediatrician and author of The Happiest Toddler on the Block, babies’ temperaments can be divided into three broad categories: Easygoing babies are, like the name implies, easy.

They seem to always “wake up on the right side of the bed”. The second category is composed of reserved, sensitive babies. They take time to warm up to people, can spend hours cuddling close to their parents, and do not take well to extremes of anything, be it noise, tastes, or textures.

Spirited children are those who many parents wish they had — then wish they did not have when they have one. Spirited children are intensely active and driven and likely to be found running around a playground with a frustrated parent chasing after them.

Handle with care

According to Truphosa Ashiko who lives in Lang’ata and runs a child care club, while it is not possible to change a child’s temperament, extremities of character are not natural and can be re-shaped.

However, she says that because children are fragile, they should be handled with care. “If your child is the type that has a lot of energy, how you contain that energy is very important,” she says.

When you rebuke or reprimand the child in order to restrain this kind of energy, the child may grow accustomed to negativity and end up being withdrawn as an adult.

Exactly how do you go about “tweaking” a child’s personality? The key, according to parent Beth Miriti, the mother of an eight-year-old boy, is to understand who they are and, consequently, how to handle them.

“When I was pregnant with my son I read extensively on the subject,” she says. “What I found out is that you can’t turn an introvert into an extrovert, but you can learn what gifts come with each personality trait and encourage those gifts.”

According to Betty, there is no personality trait that is better than the other; extrovert children, for example, may seem like the ideal, but they can get on the nerves of those around them very quickly.

“Shy, reserved children like to think and spend time in solo activities like reading. So buy them lots of books and games that they can play by themselves that will allow them to use their logical thinking skills.”

And what about spirited children? “They are adventurous and lively, so involve them in group activities and buy them toys they can share,” she says. Easygoing children are often the easiest to please — but once again, pay attention to their individual needs and interests before deciding what sort of activities suit them best.

- Additional reporting by Wilson Manyuira