Caught on the rebound

Break-ups, even amicable ones, almost always result in sadness and feelings of hurt.

Ideally, after the end of a significant relationship, both parties should take some time off the dating scene to heal and resolve emotional issues arising from that break-up.

However, a lot of times, people opt to jump straight into another relationship. Marriage therapist Victor Thuku refers to this as a transitional relationship which serves as a distraction to keep one from experiencing the full impact and emotional pain of a break-up.

After having been in a relationship and getting accustomed to being a couple, there are those who resort to the rebound out of fear of being alone and not knowing what to do with themselves. 

It is also common to go on a rebound to seek validation that one is still loveable.

For someone who still harbours hope of a reunion, the rebound is seen as the perfect avenue to make their former partner jealous.

A rebounder is usually needy and this can be easily mistaken to mean that they are loving.

No connection

According to Thuku, a rebounder usually has unresolved emotional issues and is thus incapable of making an emotional connection.

This means that he or she usually gets into a rebound relationship with no intention of commitment.

Once this relationship has served its purpose and they have gotten over their ex, the rebounder is highly likely to leave you to clear the clutter on your own.

Another fact that works against rebound relationships is that a rebounder is usually desperate to be in a relationship.

This means that their judgment may have been clouded as he or she is just trying to fill a void and is not keen on whether or not you are right for them.

Chances are that you are far from their ideal partner and if this is the case, your relationship is likely to end after they have worked through their pain, heal emotionally then realise that you do not meet their standards for a mate.

Exceptions

“There are instances where rebound relationships thrive,” 27-year-old *Sandra Buyaki says from experience.

She remembers coming out of an abusive relationship two year ago and then getting involved with another man barely a month later.

She admits that initially she had no intentions of a serious commitment and that she got into it in an effort to forget the pain her ex had caused her.

“He turned out to be a great match for me and the fact that I was willing to move on from the previous relationship was a plus for us. It’s been two years and I can feel that this relationship is headed somewhere,” she says.

While it may be easy to know that you are on the rebound, it is hard to tell whether your new love interest is still emotionally connected to their ex.

There is no set duration for moving on from a relationship as it varies from one individual to the next depending on the length and intensity of the relationship and the severity of the break-up.

The longer a couple was together and the closer they were, the longer it will take for them to move on.

There are those who emotionally move on from a relationship long before a break-up, meaning that the fact that your love interest is fresh off a break-up doesn’t necessarily mean that they are on the rebound.

This even makes it harder to tell whether a love interest is still in love or overly bitter about an ex. Thuku calls for precaution when dating someone who has just had a break-up.

Find out from the onset the exact duration since the break-up. If you establish that it did not occur very long ago and you are still keen on pursuing a romance with this person, it is wise not to have very high expectations because chances are that they could be using you, albeit subconsciously.

Precautions
Offer them your support as they work through their emotions but be careful about opening up your heart to them too soon.

Take control of the pace of the relationship since it is easy for someone on the rebound to get caught up in the thrill of a new romance and unwittingly make hurried commitments.

“I have handled situations where a rebounder hurried into impulsive commitments like an engagement or having a child then the relationship crumbled,” Thuku says.

Rebounds are usually as destructive to the rebounder as they are to the person that he or she gets involved with. Thuku equates it to an emergency band aid which falls off, leaving the wound still fresh.

He maintains that one needs to resolve underlying emotional issues from a past relationship before he or she is capable of moving on, and a rebound relationship only delays healing.

Even more importantly, one needs to deal with their negative contributions to the previous relationship to avoid taking the same attitude into subsequent relationships.

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