Desperately seeking some warmth

• Is there anyone out there who is willing to provide heating services to one freezing Kenyan woman?

Until last week, I thought I was a tough cookie. I thought I could survive all kinds of cold weather.

To begin with, I was born, raised and educated in the highlands where taking cold showers was the order of the day and luxuries such as leg warmers and hats were frowned upon.

Second, I have inherited the gene that allows me to accumulate layers of adipose tissue that come in handy during such times. But these two ingredients are failing me and for the first time in my life, I have purchased a hot water bottle.

After a few rather harsh and miserable nights that had me abandoning my latest New Age philosophy that says that sleeping nude slows the aging process, and turning my bed into a volcano of duvets, I have decided that it is time to change tactics.

This is the time to get a Human Mobile Heater. Since our new constitution has heightened our legal antennae, any successful Human Mobile Heater will have to sign and comply with a Memorandum of Understanding (MOU).

Terms of service

The first clause in the MOU will centre on the important issue of temperature. The appointed heater shall ensure that my temperatures remain optimal during all hours of night for as long at the cold season prevails. My body temperature must not fall below 35 degrees Celsius during the time of service.

The second clause in the MOU will focus on terms and conditions of service. I will ensure that the successful party has a full belly, sufficient drink, clean and warm bedding, working sanitary facilities, a non-leaking roof and access to the Internet and cable television.

They will, however, be expected to take care of their own clothes and this includes everything from buying and washing to keeping them neat and tidy in their suitcases.

In case of doubt, the Human Mobile Heater must understand that this is a temporary arrangement necessitated solely by the harsh effects of climate change.

They should not therefore try to create even an imaginary air of permanence such as hanging their clothes in my closets, rearranging furniture, or worse still, inviting friends and relatives over.

Since these are hard times, the heater will not be overworked and will be expected to show up at work just before dinner time (read 8pm) and leave at sunrise (by 7am).

There might be additional heating services required on weekends, and so he may be required to stay past 7am. Such extensions will be my sole prerogative; self-issued invitations to stay will not be welcome, especially during daytime hours.

This human heating service will not be a daily requirement; needs will be determined once I obtain a full temperature forecast from our meteorological department.

Given the task at hand, the Human Mobile Heater must demonstrate their physical fitness do undertake all duties required of them. Heart conditions, epilepsy, fainting and dizziness automatically disqualify you.

Eligibility

Those who might have a history of bedwetting, snoring or sleep walking should not even bother to apply. Since I have enough blubber for both of us, I am unwilling to consider distended girths and bulky bottoms; I want to make heat, not break beds.

I will not accept applications from married people looking for a home away from home for a couple of days. I will also not take applications from folks who have no jobs, since I do not need my self-esteem boosted by the thought of a young stud waiting at home for me as he surfs TV stations.