Falling in love under the mistletoe

You have laboured throughout the year on a relationship that is yet to give your heart the kind of satisfaction it needs. But you are afraid of cruising into the New Year unattached. You have dated several people but each time you want to make that final decision, something comes up and you ditch the idea. Or you just feel like you need to settle down now that you are through with your studies, your job is more stable or your biological clock is clicking nonstop.

To you, the festive season could not come at a better time. It is the time the office end-of-year party takes place. It is the time you find yourself visiting a new place or town. You get to meet new people and interact with them like you have known each other all along.

As the Christmas mood sets in, you have met a few new people you like. You feel you are ready to be ‘serious’ and each of the ‘new friends’ looks like they could get serious with you. But hold your horses. Social and psychological experts warn that the festive season is the wrong time to shop for a life time partner.

“At this time, people loosen up their ‘guard’ on morals and values in a wild chase of fun and pleasure. This could utterly mislead somebody on the true identity and persona of a possible spouse,” says Mr George Thuku, a sociologist practising in Nairobi.

Lonely in a crowd

Worst bitten by the worries of singlehood are those going for family gatherings and events, Mr Thuku says, as people of marriageable age look for ‘some sense of legitimacy’ by seeking the company of a person of the opposite sex.

“It is a time people do not want to spend alone as everyone else is accompanied.”

He categorically casts doubt on the success probability of a love brewed in a Christmas pot:

“Men and women get hyper-active socially and are more prone to be ‘generous’ at this time. They will go to any length in search of fun. You might realise too late that you were just a supporting cast in one’s drama of Christmas fun.”

The danger of attempting a serious love affair at this time, Mr Thuku says, is the huge possibility of landing a casual, one-off social contact.

But it is the psychologists who might send a chill down the spine of love seekers this season. According to Dr Mary Kimani, the last weeks of the year are the times people are least stable emotionally, physically and spiritually.

“One is normally drained in many areas of life. It is a time to take a rest. One may not have an emotional capacity to make serious decisions, especially on love matters,” she advises.

Out with the old...

This proposition is in congruence with informal research in social sites, which shows that many relationships are broken in the last month of the year.

“It is the time people want quick fixes to their problems. One kind of wants to get an unfulfilling lover off his or her back. Or at least get a consolation,” Dr Kimani says. The unsuitability of this time for a spouse hunt is further reinforced by the fact that one is likely to land someone who is smarting from a bad relationship. A person who has dumped someone or been dumped experiences a mental instability that makes them likely to behave in a way that goes beyond the call of normal love.

“That is why January and February normally come as a shocker to Christmas love birds; one party is unable to maintain the momentum of the festive season.”Dr Kimani, who works for Life Skills Promoters in Nairobi, enumerates some instances that drive love seekers down the wrong route: ‘I must get a husband before the year ends.’ ‘Everyone else has got somebody.’ ‘Not another Year!’ ‘I will teach him/her a lesson!’

“Such statements demonstrate a huge degree of vulnerability and only require a little manipulation to change one’s course. One is not sober,” she says.

Mr Thuku and Dr Kimani both introduce a financial aspect to the debate. They say financial strain from the year’s struggles could lead some people to take shortcuts, especially when the coming year does not look very promising.

“One of the shortcuts could be a new partner who can ease the financial burden,” explains Dr Kimani. “Of course this is a wrong premise to gauge the suitability of a life partner.”

The experts assert that the ‘grass is greener on the other side’ mentality is self-destructive and that the better option is to wait until the year is over and you have regained your rational thinking.

According to Ms Laurie Pawlik-Kienlen, a Canadian writer, the temptation to fix a deal at Christmas time is real among those who might have broken up along the year.

Although she admits it’s awful to be alone during the festive season, getting someone may not be the right decision, more so if the sole purpose is to fill a void left by a former lover.

Survival mode

She writes in adventurouswriter.com: “It is painful to be alone if you were excited at being a couple at Christmas. You may need to remind yourself that sometimes relationships break-up for our own good.

“I have survived those heart-wrenching, gut-twisting break-ups that slam you to the ground and rip you to pieces. One thing I’ve learned is that letting go and healing takes time.” In case your search for a spouse resulted from an unanticipated break-up, Laurie advises the immediate engagement of ‘break-up survival mode’: “You may need to gather all the advice you have ever given to your friends who broke up and pick some of the ideas you suggested.”

The drums are rolling and the offers are on the table. But be careful not to jump the gun and land someone who will extend your heartache in the coming year.