Intuition or insecurity?

• Women are said to have an extremely effective ‘sixth sense’. But do we really, or is it just our insecurities feeding our paranoia? .

Every woman has had one of those moments – when your ‘gut’ tells you that something is not right. You can’t quite explain how you know it – or how the thought even crossed your mind – but you are totally sure that you are correct.

About a year ago, Esther Wambui, had one of those hunches that suggested that her boyfriend Kevin was cheating on her.

“He hadn’t given me reasons to be suspicious of him but my inner voice told me that he was cheating,” the 30-year-old mother of two says.

“Over the course of four months, this feeling grew and became harder to ignore. I had nothing to go on except that nagging feeling but I felt certain that he was hiding something. I could almost sense another woman around him. I just knew I was right.”

As if to confirm her fears, her husband changed his routine and began coming home later than usual. He seemed more quiet and distracted. By then, she had no doubt that he was seeing somebody else.

“I racked my mind for where I could be falling short. I deliberately became more affectionate and tried to be more ‘wife’ than I had ever been, all in an effort to draw him back to me. This came with little success. He seemed lost in his own little world. I was fighting a losing battle.”

The feeling stayed and Esther became increasingly agitated. Should she confront him? Should she look for evidence first?

“I figured that confronting him without concrete proof would make it easy for him to deny any wrongdoing. So I paid somebody to look for evidence.”

Two weeks later, she had found nothing incriminating apart from the fact that Kevin drove to a certain home out of town at about 4.30pm and stayed for about two hours. Thinking that she had nailed her, Esther confronted him with her ‘proof’.

“We had a nasty fight. It turned out that a client who had a big job requested that his vehicles be worked on from his residence. My husband was also going through a rough patch financially at his workshop, thus his distant aura. This incident was a big blow to our relationship. He is yet to get over the fact that I didn’t trust him.”

Confusing feelings

Intuition is usually neutral, but emotions such as doubt and paranoia can affect one’s ability to accurately perceive intuition. Paranoia often stems from negative past experiences that have not been dealt with.

Esther traces back her distrust and insecure nature to a major betrayal in her past: “I have always listened to my inner voice. I remember getting a hunch that my best friend was sneaking around with a then boyfriend about six years ago.

When I confronted him, it turned out that I was right. This was a major betrayal from the two people closest to me. It made me very suspicious and untrusting.”

In retrospect, she sees that she has since had trust issues which she kept hidden. She took these insecurities into her marriage and repeatedly allowed these negative feelings to cloud her intuitive insight.

Contrary to what many believe, intuition isn’t magical. However, when one is able to separate it from their insecurities, it can effectively steer you to greener pastures or prevent you from possible disaster. In romantic relationships, gut feelings shouldn’t be ignored.

On the flip side, do not use your intuition to compensate for poor communication with your significant other. Listen to your gut then communicate your concerns to your man.

This way, issues can be dealt with when they are still manageable. Listen to your gut feelings and use them as an indicator or guide but not as the deciding factor.