Negotiating sexual boundaries

Sex is an important part of intimacy in long-term relationships. When it is good, sex plays a big role in helping a couple connect, both physically and emotionally.

No matter how well matched a couple’s sex drive is, it is normal not to always have the same desires or timing. There will be those moments when one of you is ready to get intimate while the other is not up to the task or you just cannot pique their interest.

A couple will not always have matching sexual desires. With sex playing such a major role in long-term relationships, many are faced with the harsh predicament of saying no to your partner without hurting the relationship.

Lilian Marema, 38, describes the first two years of life after marriage as sexually fulfilling. Sex was frequent and spontaneous and things seemed to be going well for them until a baby came into the picture.

She became absorbed in her new role as mother, and juggling this with work and wifely duties often left her drained or distracted. On days like this, sex was the last thing on her mind.

“There was just so much to do now and I assumed that he would understand when I didn’t want sex,” she says.

Initially, she simply declined his advances with a simple “no” and he seemed to have no problem with it. As the days that she was not in the mood became more frequent, she noticed that he was pulling away and even stopped asking.

Spare his ego

He also seemed to grow bitter and picked fights with her for the slightest reasons. It was during one such tiff that he blurted out that she did not love him or even appreciate him as a man anymore.

“It hadn’t crossed my mind that he was taking my refusal to have sex as a personal rejection,” she says. She took to constantly reassuring him that her reduced interest in sex had nothing to do with what she felt about him. After some time, he started believing her.

The counteroffer

She had found herself staying longer in the sitting room or falling asleep in the baby’s bed so that she would not have to make up excuses for not wanting sex. However, she found that honesty, accompanied by a counteroffer, had better results.

“I stopped just telling him ‘no’ and began giving him an option; something to look forward to. I would give him my reasons and then suggest a time that I felt I would be up for it.”

She made sure that he understood that she wanted to be intimate, but the timing was wrong. A well delivered “no”, she feels, makes him know that she is still interested in him, whether she wants sex or not.

Psychologist Ezekiel Kobia agrees that occasional disinterest in sex is normal but warns that if you are virtually not interested in intimacy with your partner, it could be an indicator of bigger underlying problems in the relationship.

Feeling duty-bound

The marriage therapist speaks about the importance of compromise in all aspects of a relationship, including sex. However, he warns that always giving in to your significant other’s sexual desires while overlooking your own can work against a relationship.

Hilda Gathoni, 30, attests to this. From as early into her relationship as she can remember, she would have sex with her live-in boyfriend and even feign enjoying it just so that she could avoid disagreements.

While this worked by keeping the peace, she noticed that she was breeding resentment towards him. She was resentful that she had little control over her sex life.

“I struggled with it at first but I slowly taught myself to say ‘no’ in a polite but firm manner,” she says.

To keep the fire burning, she looked for other ways to make him feel wanted. The couple built intimacy in other ways so that it was not tied to the sexual act. This way, sex is now satisfying for both of them.

“Sex is now something that we both enjoy. I can pleasure him in other ways and I do not feel duty-bound to have sex.”

He does not want sex

The general assumption the world over is that men are always ready to have sex. On the contrary, for various reasons ranging from emotional and biological problems to stress or fatigue, men also lose interest in sex. The fact that he thinks about sex twice as often as you do does not mean that a man always wants to have sex.

“The first thing that comes into a woman’s head when her man says no to sex is that there is something wrong with her,” Diana Mbithe says.

She blamed herself for months and struggled with feelings of inadequacy when her man was experiencing what seemed to be a period of low libido.

She believed that his lack of interest was connected to their relationship. When this persisted, she accused him of having an affair, which only angered him and pushed him farther away.

When she talked him round to going for therapy, it turned out that he had a health problem and his fear of failing her sexually had pushed him into rejecting her.

Once she understood that her man’s disinterest in sex was not a disinterest in her, she began working on her own self-esteem.

“When you are comfortable in your femininity, you can affirm his masculinity,” says Diana, who has been married for seven years now.

Her advice to the woman who has an issue in the bedroom is to encourage her man to talk about it away from the bedroom. When you know the reason, it is easier to look for solutions together.
Is his ‘no’ genuine?

A man’s rejection of sex does not necessarily mean that he is putting his energies elsewhere. However, there are tell-tale signs when there is more to it than meets the eye.

If your man is persistently declining to join you in bed, gauge how he acts in other aspects of the relationship. If his disinterest has spilled over to other areas of the relationship, you may have a problem.

How does he decline sex? A man who does not have genuine reasons will give silly excuses or frequently start arguments to get out of having sex with you.