No sex, thankyou

Imagine being a man in his prime, married to a beautiful, intelligent woman.

To outsiders, your marriage is picture perfect, but there is just one little thing out of place – it is almost sexless.

Not because you do not love each other, not because you do not find each other sexually attractive, neither of you is gay, not because there is anything physically wrong with either of you, but because she finds the sexual act off-putting.

On top of that, you married her knowing fully well that she does not like to get deeply intimate – on your first date, she came out clean and told you that going all the nine yards is not her favourite pastime, but you thought this state of affairs could be corrected and went ahead and swore in front of man and God that you would be faithful to her, and only death would do part the two of you.

Mariam* 27, has been married for one year to a man she loves dearly, but one she has to really push herself to get intimate with.

She is beautiful, bubbly and effortlessly commands attention both for her beauty and brains.

Watching her with her husband, it is obvious that they are deeply in love with each other but when she tells her story, you start wondering whether the ‘in-love” bit is just a façade.

Arrangements

You wonder whether, instead of agreeing to get married, she should have just looked for a gay man to be her best friend or husband. After all, apparently, now there are couples who are making such living arrangements.

Talking to her, I kept thinking to myself, “friendship from a man is all she seems to be comfortable with so why did she get married?”

According to *Mariam, sex is overrated. It and it should not be the reason why two people get together.

“My situation is nothing to do with my husband who I love dearly,” she says without flinching. “I have never really been one to like that kind of intimacy with any man and I told him about it before we got married.”

It is almost surreal listening to her discuss her sex life, or lack of it, as if she is discussing the current price of potatoes.

She is almost detached; she obviously does not think there is anything wrong with how she looks at intimacy – she has never liked it, period. The phrase ‘she does not know what she is missing’ does not count.

*Miriam only has sex once a month, twice if she is pushed. When she has it, she has to be drunk to be able to go through with it.

She does not cuddle with her husband – she sleeps at the furthest end of their bed, while he takes the other extreme end. She will not sleep naked, or wear sexy underwear in bed.

“Sometimes we will do it, but I would almost forget that it happened because I was so drunk.”

Is she not worried that there will be such a time that her husband will not be able to wait for his monthly portions and venture out there?

“Well, then I would feel betrayed. It is not like I duped him - he married me knowing fully well that I’m not crazy about it and could well do without any of that kind of intimacy in my marriage.” She explains clinically.

“I find that kind of intimacy sweaty, it messes my hair, and I usually cannot wait for it to be over.” So is her husband okay with her obvious lack of interest? “I have never really asked but he never complains, so I assume he is fine with the situation.”

I could not get the husband to comment, but speaking to other men, it left me believing that Mariam’s husband is either a very special kind of man or he is getting his groove on elsewhere on the sly.

All the men I asked to comment on the issue categorically stated that they could not date, let alone marry, such a woman.

“What would be the point of our relationship?” “I have enough sisters and platonic friends, I do not need another in my life.”

“That man is definitely cheating on her – no normal man would be content in that kind of relationship.”

“Maybe he does not like that kind of intimacy either, so they would be a perfect match.”

Who would blame the men for those sentiments – one of the biggest tests whether any relationship will survive is whether the two people are sexually compatible

*Mariam is not frigid, however. Once in a while, some feelings would stir within her, but when it gets to the act itself, she recoils – hence the need to get intoxicated prior to the act.

I presented *Mariam’s case to John Gacheru, a psychotherapist with Amani Counseling Centre and Training Institute.

“There is definitely a big psychological problem there.” He stated immediately.

“There are a number of possibilities to this woman’s problem; could there be a history of sexual abuse, something that happened to her in her childhood that she has probably buried in her subconscious?

She could also be suffering from Low Sexual Desire (LSD) which can be easily rectified by some drugs.

Scared

She could also be having a misconception of what sexuality is all about – did she, when she was very young and innocent, witness a sexual act that scared her, or did she have parents who kept repeating to her that sex is bad?

A lot of women, especially, suffer from the latter, the inner parental voice that keeps reprimanding them even in their adulthood and marriage.

She could also have vaginismus, a condition that affects a woman’s ability to engage in any form of vaginal penetration, including insertion of tampons, and the penetration involved in gynecological examinations.

This is the result of a conditioned reflex of the pubococcygeus muscle, which is sometimes referred to as the “PC muscle”. The reflex causes the muscles in the vagina to tense suddenly, which makes any kind of vaginal penetration painful or impossible.”

Whatever *Mariam’s problem is, Gacheru’s recommendation is therapy, therapy, therapy! “She has probably been missing out on stuff because of something that could be sorted out if only she could seek help.

The bottom line is, if her husband is physically okay, and not already cheating on her, a point will come when he will start feeling that he is being denied his conjugal rights.

If she wants to save her marriage, she needs to convince her husband that she enjoys being with him in and out of bed.

She needs to start enjoying being with her husband that way, and although a lot of times women have sex just to please the man, there must be, for any marriage to be sustainable, times when it is not just sex, but making love.”

One would also need to find out whether there is a problem on the man’s part because intimacy in marriage goes well beyond just having sex.

How the man approaches the whole issue and how he handles his partner are all very crucial when it comes to how a woman reacts. Some men are simply too rough…it’s all about them and never about the other person,” adds Gicheru.

Mariam and her husband need to talk to a therapist in order to get to the bottom of the problem.