Tame that old flame

Every break up is painful, both for the initiator and for the affected, although the degree of heartache depends on the circumstances under which a break-up occurs.

However, the more difficult part of the break up is deciding how to deal with your ex. Should you remain friends? Or should you spurn them forever after?

Many people in relationships, even marriage, will tell you that they still hang out with their former lovers.

Some will say that they have not seen their ex since they broke up. Many other are civil with their exes, but are not close friends.

This week, Saturday magazine talked to a several people about their relationship with their ex-lovers, and summarises the types of exes you may encounter.

Mrs Janet Mbogo a counselling psychologist in private practice in Nairobi, further suggests a few tips on how to manage the different types of exes.

The investigator

Can be either male or female. He/she would have made a very good career as an intelligence officer.

He/she polices all you do and always knows what you are up to.

He is the first to know that you have changed house, how you are doing financially or where your child goes to school.

When you start a new relationship, he/she knows with whom, and will find out what sort of person they are.

There is no reason for the information-gathering other than that they seem to glean a certain amount of satisfaction from simply having it.

However, he/she may want you to know he is abreast with your progress or failure.

Management: Ignore him or her, as there isn’t real danger here.

However, try as much as possible to keep your distance.

Also, avoid interaction with this ex’s close buddies or relatives, as they could be one of the agents of his intrusive behaviour.

The parrot

Like the investigator, this one is an intelligence gatherer.

The major difference is that the information he /she gets is spread to those who care to listen.

Nothing is sacred to her – not your the affairs that happen in your home, your workplace, church and love life.

Once he/she gets the story, it is embellished and disseminated mostly to people who knew your relationship.

Woe unto you if it is negative; they will imply all these bad things are happening to you because you left them.

They seem to enjoy it when you are undergoing tough times, and hope you will go to them for assistance.

And when you do, you can be sure that the story will spread like bush fire.

Management: Warn them that they are interfering with your life and you could take legal action should they persist.

Keep your distance and never seek their assistance unless you want “...everybody to know how desperate you are after you were booted.”

The shareholder

This one won’t let you go without a fight. Even when you have started a family, she believes she is part of you.

She is quite convinced that she can have you back, new family or not.

She claims a part of you despite knowing that you are already committed to someone else.

She is stuck on the fact that she knew you before your current lover. She uses her experience with you as her bargaining chip.

She can be intimate with you. She blames you for the break up, but she wouldn’t mind getting back with you even if it means ditching your wife.

Management: Remember, you can’t have your cake and eat it unless you want to a polygamous family.

Let him or her know you are already in another relationship and ask them to respect your decision and give you space.

An African proverb says two bulls cannot stay in one shed, and it applies in this case.

The bacon lady

She is a financial leech. She doesn’t mind playing second fiddle in your heart, just as long as you continue to support her.

She never interferes with your other lover or family and when you mention them, she isn’t irritated.

She seems to respect your decision not to make her number one.

Most likely, she has your child. All she wants from you is to take care of her and the child.

She is also available for intimacy with you if this means your continued support.

She may have another man to cater for her other needs, but you contribute to her maintenance.

Ever seen women who stay in more costly houses than their salaries can afford? They just might be the bacon lady of some former lover.

Management: There is nothing like ‘just friends’ with an ex. You are either in or out of her heart. Otherwise, someone is using the other.

Release her to find love elsewhere if you can’t be hers 100 per cent.

The blackmailer

She is likely to be a woman more than a man. She knows you are married, and perhaps your spouse does not know about your past affair with her.

She knows you are cheating on your spouse, and that if she spills the beans, your goose is cooked.

This is the weak point she seeks to exploit. She will use this information to blackmail you, mostly financially.

She is the type to say, “I will come to your house and tell your wife.” “I will bring this child to your office.” Or “Mimi nitaenda kortini tuone nani ataumia (I will go to court and we shall see who suffers more).”

The haunted man is usually a family man, well to do, or of high stature in society and a revelation of an affair is the last thing they want to come out in public.

Management: Do not let yourself become a victim of exploitation because you are too weak to face your mistakes.

If the blackmailer keeps coming back, seek police intervention.

The tick

This one will stick to you forever, and is perhaps the most awful character.

He/she refuses to go even after it is clear you are onto another love project.

He/she violently bulldozes their way back to your heart. She works hard to make life with your new catch difficult.

She will call or SMS at odd hours, call your wife and insult her, come to your office or workplace or ask your friends about you.

She likes to cause ugly scenes in public, and might even beat your new lover up. She won’t just let you go.

He/she believes no man or woman should have you as long as she is alive. This character may also be the suicidal or murderer type.

If not already hooked up, they will monitor you and harass you if they suspect any new love.

This lover can be intimate with you if you suggest you have softened your heart.

Management: Before taking a new lover, tie up all loose ends with your ex.

Ensure you have both agreed that your love can no longer work.

Be emphatic that you no longer owe them anything. With time, the ‘tick’ may accept the reality.

The busy bee

Like a bee, they work hard to fight off your rejection.

They believe you were thinking irrationally when you decided to break it off with them, and all they need to do is reason with you a little bit so that you take them back.

They are lobbyists and will mobilise resources, time and word of mouth to get the friends and relatives they know to support them.

They will speak to everyone close to you, in an effort to let you know how much they want you back.

Whenever they can, they will remind you of how good things were when you were together.

Their efforts border on either desperation or fear of failure.

They just can’t figure a life without you. Because of this, they are apologetic and always ready to talk things out.

The major problem is that it is not the first time they are playing nice.

Management: Do not be blinded by the ‘Mr/Ms Nice’ act. If you want them back, get to the root of the problem.

If not, be aware of the games they are playing and do not let yourself be played with.

The lone ranger

This one is independent minded. She does not believe in a stressful life in the name of love or marriage.

When you broke up, he/she decided there and then to forget you.

If she found out she was pregnant after you broke up, she will not bother you with the child’s maintenance.

She is confident that she can make it without you and your baggage.

He/she cares little about your new love life. He/she just wants to be done with you.

She will not seek you out and does not entertain your overtures.

Often, she is too hurt to reconcile with you, or is very unforgiving.

She will also cut off links with most, if not all, of your friends or relatives.

This ex also does not expect you to poke your nose into his/her life. There can be no intimacy with you.

Management: Reciprocate by allowing her to have her space.