We want eye candy!

The Daily Nation carried a most exciting picture on page 6 of the sports section the other day. It was of the very yummy rugby player, Sidney Ashioya, on the field in the recently concluded IRB series. Two weeks later, that image remains firmly etched in my mind.

Despite Kenya’s dismal showing, Ashioya’s image worked for me… and a host of other ladies who shared their approval.

Men might think otherwise but women, too, are visual creatures, and we like to ogle, leer, dissect and analyse the male body.

We may not have as much to work with as our brothers, but here are a few things that we look at. The undisputed attention drawer is the gluteus maximus – otherwise known as ‘the butt’.

There is something so primal, sensual and sexy about looking at a compact, well-constructed behind, especially when it is encased in a pair of fine jeans.

Our primordial instincts fuse with our visual desires, since we consider a well-shaped behind the perfect launch pad for the thrust and tumble that comes with pleasurable pursuits.

Scientists tell us that a firm butt is critical for sending those vital millions of male seed out on assignment to locate and fuse with the elusive ovum.

So we don’t fancy men who have excessively skinny bums, mainly because they look like they should be fed, not fed upon. We also know that those skinny bums come with sharp pelvic bones that can cause massive injuries to soft female tissue.

The right line

In the same breath, overabundant behinds are somehow synonymous with obesity and sub-standard performances. To make matters worse, some blokes even have hips and from the rear view, one cannot make the proper gender distinction, which can be very harrowing.

Of course, there is little you can do as a man if nature gave you hips, but perhaps a few squats would not hurt.

The perfect butt accessory – and ogle factor no. 2 – is the hip line. This is that line that leads from the hip bone down to the pelvis, and that makes a rather interesting ‘V’ shape. There is something very raw, virile and hot about a man’s V-line.

Those ladies and gents who do not believe me would do well to watch D’Angelo’s How Does It Feel video. This line only appears in full relief in athletic and fit guys, and it looks even better above a well-toned behind. Need I say more?

Once we have inspected the man’s derriere, we like to have a full frontal inspection. This is where a fine, well-shaped chest does the magic, especially when it is paired with a firm and broad back.

A nice chest spells confidence, and many women visualise spending hours laying their head on such a chest. Sidney Ashioya has the right chest, a clear sign that it is well taken care of and maintained and that it can hold, hug, lift and even contain as and when necessary.

Sadly, on this side of the Sahara, men have misguidedly come to believe that plump, big-belly teddy bears are what we like; they even take this further and tell themselves that an abundant girth is an indicator of wealth, meaning that what a woman loses out in ogling pleasure is made up for in terms of financial generosity.

The perfect package

Even the human anatomy experts will tell you that a chest that is concealed by layers of adipose deposits conjures images of death by suffocation.

So the closer you are to the six-pack, the better for all concerned. Though women are professed chest lovers and huggers, they do like moderation. Some men violate this rule and pump so much iron that they look like Johnny Bravo on steroids (for reference, please see the bouncer at your favourite night club).

Many of these super-size blokes wear very small, tight shirts to show off their physiques. When they are not showing off, these bulky misters are known to spend hours preening and posing in front of the mirrors in the gym. Only women are allowed to hog the mirrors, gentlemen.

And those barrel-like chests need to go.

The whole nine yards

Strange as this might seem, we also look at a man’s hands. We like strong, well-maintained – and most importantly, clean – hands. We understand that most men are yet to embrace the whole mani-pedi business, but our minds go into fantasy land the minute we spot men who have nice, well… fingers.

There is nothing more disgusting than those overgrown pinkie nails that men nurture under the misguided notion that they give them an aura of sexiness; they couldn’t be more wrong.

If every man paid attention to having a good butt, strong chest and groomed hands, women would be a happier lot. And if all men came in the same package as Sidney Ashioya, that would be nirvana.

Given the effort women make to give men something to ogle at daily, I do not think this is asking for much.