When friends shun you
Your husband dies or you divorce and suddenly people you thought were your close friends peel away because you have suddenly become a threat to their marriages
There are times when a woman may experience changes in life that are so far-reaching that they affect every aspect of their lives.
These changes provide eye-opening opportunities to discover who your true friends really are, or what type of friends you have around you.
When certain things happen in your life, you get the opportunity to discover exactly whether the fiends you have around are the type who will stand by you through hell and high water, or they ones who will drop you at the drop of a hat?
Lose your job and you will immediately lose a large chunk of people you thought were your friends.
After all, they don’t want to be associated with jobless people who will most likely be a nuisance as they keep asking you for money which you believe they are in no position.
Others have fallen ill and during such times, learnt to be friends. Friendship is indeed a valuable gift to have and to give.
One of the most revealing changes that expose the very heart of your friendships is when you lose your spouse through either death or divorce.
Death and divorce are the principal means by which marriages end. Others are desertion and separation. Such endings are often accompanied by many emotions – frustration, disappointment, grief, relief, hope - and sometimes by growth.
This is one area that catches many women unawares – the way their friendships with their fellow womenfolk will be affected immediately they become ‘single’ again.
Some friends will remain loyal, while others will show their true characters and turning away from you because they fear you may be a threat in some way.
These are what we know as fair weather friends. They are only your friends when the going is good and disappear into thin air when you least expect it.
Pretenders
Alicen Wangare, 36, (not her real name) went through a steep learning curve after undergoing an acrimonious divorce four years ago.
Although she got over the pain of losing her husband and marriage, she will never forget what the divorce revealed about her friends.
“If you think all the friends you have are for real, think again. When your situation changes, you will know who you are really dealing with,” she says in retrospect.
Alicen was a successful advertising executive living in a gated community in an upmarket Nairobi suburb with her husband John and two children.
She formed a close-knit circle with three other women in the neighbourhood and over a period of 10 years, they become a clique of families who were as close as sisters.
They did a lot of things together and were in and out of each others’ houses for parties. They were supportive even in times of problems and would rally around whoever among the had the a bereavement or any other issue.
Their children were in and out of each other’s houses during the holidays and weekends were spent at a nearby golf club where their husbands played.
On Sundays, they went to the community church, after which they had lunch together whenever it was possible. But this happy state of affairs changed for Alicen when her husband was offered a well paying international job.
They decided he would work overseas for one year, after which Alicen and the children would relocate and join him. A lot can change in just a year, and John had an extra marital affair with a foreign woman out of which a child was born.
When Alicen discovered what had happened, she confronted her husband who at first denied that he had an affair, leave alone a child out of wedlock.
Things came to ahead when the other woman called Alicen and told her she should give up on John because they were thinking about marriage.
She sent Alicen a bunch of pictures to show just how happy they were with John. Confused about what to do, Alicen opted to separate from her husband as she contemplated the situation.
She however, kept the house and tried to continue her life as normally as was possible in the circumstances. For support, she confided in her friends.
At first they were sympathetic and very supportive. But a year down the line when it was obvious that John was not coming back and that a divorce was imminent, she started noticing a subtle change of attitude towards her from some of her friends.
Very slowly and gradually, she noticed that they were no longer comfortable with her being around their houses especially when their husbands were around.
It was not overt at first, but she would no longer be invited when her friends had guests or when they were going out to the club to join their husbands. Alice instinctively knew that she was no longer part of the inner circle.
Much as her friends pretended to be their old selves, she realized that beneath it all, there was this sense that she no longer belonged.
She couldn’t help feeling that they now viewed her with open suspicion especially whenever one of their husbands spoke to her.
Suspicions
The last straw was when one evening as she drove to her house, she got a puncture. Daniel, one of her friends’ husbands stopped to help her change the tyre when his wife Kate jogged by.
She stopped to ask what the problem was but “Her body language spoke a thousand words,” says Alicen. “She was strangely cold towards both of us, and I literally froze. It was a very defining moment.
Her husband sensed it too, because he promptly changed the tyre, and left. This would never have happened when John and I were still together.”
It was very painful to realize that women who I had thought were my best friends now viewed me with suspicion and yet I had not given them any reason to doubt my friendship or integrity.
Was it just because now I was single and they thought I might target their husbands? After this incident, Alicen decided that if they could be so cruel to her instead of being supportive then she did not need them as friends either and that is how what had been a close knit group disintegrated.
They still meet at the club but Alicen now has new friends and even though the children are still friends, she is very careful how she relates with her former friends, their husbands and even their children.
Divorce or separation has many side-effects. Whatever you had, you seem to lose. First, it is your spouse and as if that is not enough, you lose your friends as well.
Some losses are expected and don’t cause a shock, but the friends? It is the icing on the cake of your losses. Losing friends and knowing that you are now the topic of gossip among them is hard to bear.
They treat you as if you have a contagious disease, afraid that your misfortune might somehow spread to them, so they isolate you and relegate you to the Siberia of friendlessness.
Some feel that being close to you may threaten their marriages. Divorce, separation and death are realities that can happen to anyone, but it still renders many friends speechless.
Most of them do not know how to handle the person on the receiving end, now that your status has changed. Others simply decide to keep away.
Those you thought you could depend on no longer relate with you and have no empathy, so they end up gossiping and judging you.
Whatever the cause of your separation, most of them leave you to lick your wounds all by your self.
Divorce and separation are not the only losses that could make your friends change towards you, it also happens when you lose your spouse through death.
Many a widow can attest to the fact people who were close to you when your husband was alive, suddenly distance themselves because they imagine that you will become emotionally needy and financially dependent.
Some women even feel that their husbands will sympathise with you and use this as an excuse to spend time with you.
Because men who were friends have been known to have affairs with their late friend’s wife, on the pretext of helping their late friend’s family out, their wives, who were probably your best friends may be afraid that their marriages could be under threat arising from your close association with their husbands.
