When daughters-in-law sabotage themselves

Stella Muturi, now married for 10 years, does not see eye to eye with her mother-in-law. Their relationship was lukewarm at the beginning, she says, until her husband started to build their own home.

“She said we were constructing too big a house yet we had only two kids. She thought we were wasteful and took offence when I tried to explain the importance of a big house,” says Stella, a secondary school teacher.

She explains the ensuing tug of war. “I said we had adequately budgeted for the house but she assumed I was the one pushing her son to spend thousands of shillings on it while we could do with a cheaper one. Things have never been the same,” says Stella.

Many women will tell you there is one, two or most of her husband’s relatives they do not get along with. But generally, it is the mother-in-law who is the source of most of the strife in a marital home.

Informal chats with women— some daughters-in-law and others old enough to be mothers-in-law— indicate this lukewarm, sometimes acrimonious relationships, often arise from what the daughters-in-law do or do not do.

Just what are some of the mistakes women do in new families and upset everybody?

You are ‘chairman of the family board’

You may be lucky enough to be in a family that recognises the input of all members in discussions and activities, but you are not the star in this script. Some members still view you as an outsider, or better, a subordinate member.

The moment you seek to take charge of their affairs, the more they will think their ‘son or brother’ has no say in your house.

Avoid giving opinions before consulting your husband. Tame your tongue and be restrained in your participation on family matters especially if it involves third parties. You can never be the family’s spokesman.

Fashionista extraordinaire

So, your appetite for fashion is high? Or like a paid up model, you don the latest hairstyles and newsest arrivals at the local clothes shop? Keep this to yourself.

Many families will think you are an extravagant leech out to squeeze every penny out of their son. This is regardless of whether you are employed or not. They’ll loathe you for this more than they will appreciate your nose for the latest fashions.

Many people in traditionally brewed families still think that a wife and mother should dress modestly. This is not to say that you change your lifestyle to endear yourself to your village-bred in-laws, but it will do you more good than harm if you do not seem to attract public attention for how you dress.

Showing too much flesh

This is related to the above, only that it specifically refers to the exposure of your body courtesy of your dressing.

Short skirts and exposed cleavage are a firm no go zone. In many instances, trousers can also bring issues. Decency in their presence will pay a lot of dividends for you.

No brother or father wants to know how sexy or hot you are. They are not supposed to think of you in this way, in the first place.

Many people, especially those bred in the rural areas, associate ‘nakedness’ with loose morals. Seeing your exposed body only serves to feed their fertile imagination and that is where they begin to see you as loose and not a decent sister or daughter-in-law.

Flashing the cash

It is understood that you are well educated, have a good job and are quite modern. But this is no license to overturn the style in which your husband’s family conducts its affairs.

They may still be poor or local in their thinking, but that is how they have been surviving (and brought up the man you chose to marry).

Over-running them with state of the art electronics, latest car models, utensils and sophisticated menus will just lead them to hate your lording it over them more than they will appreciate your attempt to improve their welfare.

Any changes should be made step by step, and it will do you more good if it is seen to be coming from your husband.Yes, some people in the family might seem drawn to all these trappings you offer.

However, these will be those with a tinge of inferiority complex or a sharp mind that wants to take advantage of your showiness. So avoid making overt displays of wealth or power.

Modern menus

As a modern woman, you may prefer to cook exotic, foreign food, and think that plain ugali and matumbo stew, for example, is beneath you.

But for your own good, restrict these sorts of recipes to your own house. Try these foods with your in-laws and they will brand you lazy.

When they visit, make sure you cook them some of the fare they are used to, which is also more filling than the pastas and steak dishes of today.

Don’t let them joke that your supper is an appetizer. Many people still value a woman by how full they become when you host them.

You miss family events

Writing in one of her blogs, writer Sally Richards says women have a soft spot for people who show concern about their special days. Your mother-in-law will never forget that you missed a certain family event. They rarely understand.

In fact, Dr Kerre, a sociologist, says many people regard skipping a family event as an act of rebellion or opposition to the goals such a meeting is meant to achieve.

He says, “Family events are a bonding session with your in-laws. The more you meet and interact, the more you understand each other.”

If your husband attends and you fail, they assume he isn’t in control of you. They think he cannot compel you to do, among other things, convince you attend a family function. Again, your absence is conspicuous and people will talk about it.

You are your own army

This has to with your defense mechanism. You score very little if you do not accept criticism, especially from your mother-in-law. Arguing with her does you no good. Do not proclaim to the world that she is archaic or wrong, or be stubborn.

Often, your opinions will differ on almost everything including bringing up your children, food, clothing, choice of dates and so on. Writer Richards actually declares being too defensive as the easiest mistake women make with their mothers-in-laws.

Be humble and polite and promise to look at the issue from her point of view—even when you know you are right.

You push everybody to share your interests

You obviously know what you want, what you like and what you don’t like. But expecting your mother-law and her daughters to enjoy the same movies, programmes, food, residential areas or even fashion sense will put you in a lot of trouble.

So when they come to your house, resist the urge to turn them into little clones of you and share your interests. It is more useful to make them feel like you are taking their likes and dislikes into consideration.

You are mean

Society is quite materialistic and your husband’s family will be keen to see what you are bringing to them, not what you are getting from them.

Experience has shown that daughters-in-law whose mother-in-law can show an array of appropriate gifts from her will have a defender when they clash with their husbands.

You do not have to buy respect by spending your income on relatives, but loosening your purse or offering assistance in kind may be the only thing you need to have a bit of peace in that home. It is worth it.