Why do men lose interest after sex?

What you need to know:

It is an age-old question – and one that continues to puzzle women all over the world.

Casual sex is no longer a big deal. Chips funga, ‘friends with benefits’, booty calling and other terms that refer to loosely-structured sexual arrangements have become so common-place that no one raises an eyebrow at them these days.

“Sex is usually considered a biological drive or instinct,” says Lydiah Maina, a counseling psychologist at St Paul’s University. Perhaps this is why many people consider these arrangements a necessary part of life.

While many women are learning to approach casual sex with the same attitude as men, there are many more who long for the commitment and safety of a permanent relationship – preferably marriage – and so give sex to get love, thinking that if they do, the man will stay.

This formula is not new; it has existed for millennia. In the Bible, for instance, Leah was plain and unattractive, unlike her beautiful younger sister Rachel. In their relationship with Jacob, Leah was unloved and ended up playing the lonely wife.

To gain Jacob’s love, she generously ‘gave’ him sex and bore him sons. Each time, she hoped that Jacob “would join himself with her in love”. However, her wish remained just that – a wish!

Similarly, many women believe that giving in to potential boyfriends will guarantee them love and secure their place. But as Martha Wangui, a nurse, found out, this formula doesn’t always work.

“After a long period of loneliness, I was prepared to pay the price that would make my relationship work,” she says. “I could not bear to lose my boyfriend and tried all that I could to keep him.

“But the more I loved him, the more I felt a craving for his affection. I wanted to feel his love; that he was mine. I wanted him all to myself, and so we had sex. But then he still left and fell in love with someone else.”

“The passion that in most instances fuels sex rises quickly and then typically fades off. A person can have sex with anyone but love is always directed to a special individual,” says Lydia.

Counselling psychologist Ken Munyua agrees: “Sex alone does not build love, neither does it keep a man around for long.”

And while there are many women who have slept with men on the first date and gone on to enjoy long, fruitful and happy relationships later, there are those who have found themselves wondering what happened the morning after. So exactly why do men lose interest after the act?

It was easy

If you are available and willing, and his biological urges are prompting him, and there is time, place and opportunity, all the ingredients are there for a successful (for him) ‘hit and run’ episode.

Addicted to the chase

There are men love to conquer, from the boardroom to the bedroom. Many high-testosterone men consider the chase and eventual winning over of their prey a sign that they are successful.

“The man could just be out to make a conquest, and on achieving that he wants to move on to his next target,” Lydiah says.

Please note that making this man wait is not necessarily going to earn you a place as a woman he takes seriously. He will chase for as long as it takes – and then leave as soon as he has what he wants.

Sexual addiction/compulsion

Sexual addiction is a real disease; unfortunately, it is severely stigmatised and rarely talked about. In these cases, it is not that the man in question cannot love – in fact, he probably does, and is possibly married.

However the urge to have sex with other women outside his core relationship may be stronger than he knows how to cope with. If you don’t want to be one of an addict’s ‘victims’, it is important to observe a man’s behaviour and get references from friends before you hop into bed with him.

However, there is nothing you can do to ‘talk’ him out of it. Addiction can only be treated by a trained professional.

Personality clash

Men are better able to separate sex from emotion than women are, and will have sex with you in the early stages of dating without feeling the obligation to enter a relationship with you because of that. However, for many women, sex is an intimate act that expresses feelings of love and togetherness.

So a man can have sex with you while getting to know you – and then discover later on that you are not really compatible, in which case he will walk away irrespective of whether you had sex with him or not, whether it was good or not or whether he thoroughly enjoyed himself.

He was in lust

Lust and love, in the early stages, can look awfully similar; you want to be in each other’s presence all the time. You want physical closeness. You feel tingles in your tummy when you think about each other.

But once the sexual urge has been satisfied, your partner may walk away, having found that whatever it is he was feeling is now gone. Sometimes this happens immediately. Sometimes it takes weeks. Either way, the result is the same; he’s done with you.
He doesn’t take you seriously

If a man did not consider you marriage or girlfriend material to begin with, no amount of sex will make him change his mind.

Real love is not selfish and does not get tired or impatient. If your man really loves you, then he should be willing to wait, because it takes genuine love to sustain such restraint.

“Love always involves giving as well as taking. Sex may involve only taking and it is in such instances that a man will choose to move on after getting what he was after,” says Lydiah.