What Kenyan teens wish for

They are unloved, if not ignored, viewed with suspicion and, in the words of one boy, left on their own to figure out “this adolescence thing”. These are some of the candid views of Kenyan teenagers, both boys and girls aged between 13 and 19, that should make a sober reading for their parents as they prepare to be rid of them with the opening of schools and colleges.

Saturday Nation spoke to over 50 teenage girls and boys in various social settings like churches, estates, parties and clubs to explore their fears and hopes as adolescents and what they would like their parents, guardians and the larger society to know about them. Their views reveal a society in which parents attempt to exercise great control over whom teenagers meet or fraternise with but, ironically, provide little guidance on the issues of growing up, relationships and sex.

Peer pressure

“It may not be right to get a girlfriend at the moment,” said a 16-year-old teenage boy, “But can someone please explain these feelings? I fear sharing this with my friends as they will laugh at me!” Most of the girls interviewed for this story said the “suspicions” of guardians was like a wall separating the two.

“It means a lot if only parents told us that they trust us,” says one teenage girls, 16. “Knowing my parent believes in me will encourage me to make the right decisions when it comes to sex, relationships and peer pressure.” Addressing her mother directly, she said: “I miss the days when I was seven years old and you would tell me that you love me and that you are proud of me and would do anything for me. What happened to the good old days? I’m I still your little girl?”

According to Ms Judy Twala, a counseling psychologist with Oasis Africa, the greatest hope of these teens is that their parents would trust them and delegate duties that prove that they could be held responsible. “Befriend your daughter or son if you expect them to confide in you,” she advises parents and cautions against revealing the information to a third part or discussing it in public (see separate story).

American psychologist James Dobson, best known for his parenting series Focus on the Family, describes parenting as a “delicate art” that works best if guardians communicate their values, ask questions and supervise their children’s choices, while being realistic. Dr Dobson notes that parents who set moderate and reasonable rules for dating and interaction with the opposite sex got the best results while those who imposed strict rules and unreasonable curfews got a lesser degree of success.

Mr Musau Ndunda, Chairman of the Kenya National Association of Parents has criticised parents for turning schools into “dumping grounds”’ and leaving the parenting and mentoring of children to the teachers. Mr Ndunda’s organisation, which represents more than 16,000 parents countrywide plans to launch a parenting guide titled Parenting in the 21st  Century, to help parents cope with the “slippery” generation called teens.

Difficult period

Some local organisations have opted to organise “teen camps” aimed at preparing them for initiation into adulthood with alternative rites of passage set for the girls where topical issues affecting the age group are discussed. The programmes focus on behaviour change and prepare the teens to deal with negative peer pressure, substance and drug abuse, negative media influence amongst other emerging issues.

But these programmes can only do so much. One of the boys interviewed said: “I liked the information on sex and relationships I received there but I wish there was a manual for adolescents on how to handle this difficult period.”

Some teens also wish their parents spent more time at home personally teaching them basic skills like cooking, washing and cleaning up which would later come  in handy later as young ladies of wives and mothers in the future. “How will I ever feed my husband and children one day if I am never allowed near the kitchen area by mum and the househelp,” one joked.

Family outings

Most teenage girls sought greater flexibility in terms of friends they were allowed yet they acknowledged that they were more vulnerable to peer pressure and more so to sexual abuse compared to the male teenagers. The girls wished parents opened the doors at home for them to hang out instead of consigning them other options that put them prone risky behaviour. They were also against forcible family outings yet at times they have valid reasons not to attend.

Fathers were also put to task to play more active role in their well-being besides the usual casual talk about books and financial assistance. “A violent home like the one I live in affects my self confidence and makes me hate boys,” said a discontented one girl. Said another teenager: “Please understand that adolescence is a difficult time for us but we love you all the same.”