Marriage on the rocks as young educated wives wear the pants

One in every seven married couples between 25 and 35 may end up in divorce, experts say.

Some attribute this gloomy prospect to the extinction of the alpha male, while others blame the increasingly independent Kenyan woman. Others cite the neglect of cultural traditions.

But family lawyers, marriage counsellors, separated spouses, clergy and sociologists agree on this: Marriage is hard work and, contrary to popular belief, love alone is not enough to see young couples walk arm and arm into their twilight years.

Take Ben Kihara and Catherine Wanjiku. They met at a friend’s wedding and hit it off immediately. On the surface, they looked like every other young Kenyan couple eager to embrace life and spend the rest of their days together.

Unfulfilled promises

From the church steps on their wedding day, they seemed to share a common destiny. So, before family and friends, they vowed that only death would part them. But after nine years, two children and a number of unfulfilled promises, they could not wait and called it quits.

Experts say the separation rate among Kenyan couples continues to rise, but today’s divorces are much younger.

Last year, 569 divorce cases were filed in Nairobi alone on grounds varying from adultery to cruelty.

In 2005, the figure was 458. Data from the Milimani Commercial Court, which handles divorce cases for marriages conducted in churches in Nairobi, shows that 387 divorce cases were filed last year.

In addition, the High Court Registry recorded 182 divorce cases from civil marriages conducted at the Attorney-General’s chambers over the same period.

Outside courts

“The differences were too many. We couldn’t even stay together for the children,” said Ms Wanjiku, a practising lawyer in the city.

As a result, the duo, both 32, came to an understanding that works for them outside the courts and marriage. Ms Wanjiku spends weekdays with the boys since her apartment is closer to their school. Mr Kihara, a hair dresser, has them on weekends and public holidays.

Despite the fact that the two have remained close friends and occasionally get together for old time’s sake, they believe they are irreconcilable. Mr Kihara says the mother of his children was not according him the respect he deserved as the man of the house.

“She couldn’t trust me to make any important decision. When she sought my opinion, she had already made her mind up on the course of action she thought fit, even when she was clearly wrong,” he said.

Divorce lawyers say the statistics recorded in the courts are just the tip of the iceberg.

“Divorce and separation are private affairs, and most people simply opt to go different ways and live different lives. It is a much easier option,” said Nairobi lawyer Stephen Gitonga.

Last year, the Maendeleo ya Wanaume organisation claimed more than a million men were being abused by their spouses.

The organisation’s chairperson Ndiritu Njoka says men are being denied their god-given rights to head their families, to choose how many children they have and to control their wives in and out of the bedroom.

Mr Njoka says both Kenyan men and masculinity are in crisis. As a result, the family unit as we know it is losing its values.

Sociologists say the change in the family unit may be a result of a shift in the value system.

Dr Halimu Shauri of Kenyatta University’s Pwani Campus says society has reinvented itself by creating women out to prove a point and men measuring success in terms of how much money they make. All else, including family, is secondary.

Is this ambitious and assertive woman created by society biting off more than she can chew, resulting in men shunning her in pursuit of a more traditional “wife material” girl?

Or has the man, in his quest for financial freedom, lost what it takes to steer his family in the direction that would put all, including the children, at peace?

“He was not man enough for me. He couldn’t make decisions and could not stand up for what he believes in. Even when I was in the wrong, he couldn’t reprimand me. He was too soft,” Ms Wanjiku said of her former husband.

And if either the men or women fail in their quest to reachtheir goals, then the union is generally doomed.

“Desperation sets in, and the slide into drunkenness or infidelity begins. Eventually, everyone goes his or her own way,” s Dr Shauri said.

Francis Sitati works with a Nairobi law firm. He is 28, an age at which his father was already married and expecting a second child. But he vows he will make no such mistake.

“A baby now will be drama. I want to get married and get a child. But from what I have seen, things can get pretty ugly between the parents even before the baby starts crawling,” he said.

Last year, one of his friends married a workmate, and the two got a baby within the first year of their union. Four months after the birth of a baby girl, she left him.

“The woman only told him that her career aspirations would not go well with him by her side. So it would be better if they went their separate ways. All this was in a note left on their bedroom drawer,” Mr Sitati said. “She left for the United Kingdom, with the child.”

Modern woman

Such realities of life make many men steer clear of the modern woman.

Mr Sitati says he was brought up believing that a wife should do the dishes, wash his clothes and at least cook him a warm meal.

“Where will you get such a person nowadays? They are just too busy for us,” he said.

But Fida chairperson Naomi Wagereka says what some of these traditions obscure are things like domestic abuse.

“An educated woman cannot simply ignore them,” she said.

To others, the loss of age-old traditions is to blame.

“You meet in a bar, date for three months, move in together after six months and get a baby after a year. Two years later you realise you have nothing in common and split up. All this happens because many do not understand the difference between a marriage and a wedding,” said Loice Noo, a counsellor at Amani Counselling Services.

Satisfy relatives

“Some women get married to get babies, then move out. Men, on the other hand, may get married to satisfy relatives that nag them about a wife or to secure a promotion at work,” she said.

The counsellor says couples no longer take time to get to know one another and believe love is all it takes to see them through and ignore obvious hurdles.

Mrs Noo says in the past if a couple was in trouble the whole clan would be at their doorstep. “Nowadays we are answerable to no one.”

Dr Shauri believes that in spite of people always pointing fingers at women whenever things go wrong, men should also shoulder blame for the degeneration of family values.

“A woman will not do all the things you wish her to do if you do not act like a man. Show ambition and give direction. This doesn’t mean you need to bully her around,” he said.