Here’s how to help your child grow up into a top achiever

Pre-school
Three-year-olds can help with chores

Don’t do everything for your child.

“I feel that there’s a lot of metaphorical ‘carrying’ of small children when they could be doing things for themselves,” says Pat Spungin, a child psychologist.

“And when I see a four-year-old still being pushed in a buggy it is a public representation of that. Even a three-year-old can carry its own dish to the sink, or help you tidy up toys. This is very important for building character because they learn that they can contribute to what others are doing, rather than expecting to be catered for all the time.”

Obviously, the best way to start instilling character into your child is to love him. “Character is about your ability to step into the world and feel you can make a difference to it,” Dr Spungin says.

“The most important thing for children in their first years of life is to feel that they are unconditionally loved, which gives them the strength, confidence and trust in the world to eventually be able to do that.”

They’re never too young to learn self-control

Playtime, too, is a chance to shore up positive traits. John Tierney, an award-winning science writer and co-author of the book Willpower, says laboratory tests show that playing make-believe role-playing games, especially over the course of a few days, can increase self-control in the under-5s.

“Much of self-control is about integrating behaviour over time — passing up immediate gratification for future benefits — so playing a game over several days helps toddlers to start thinking longer-range,” he says.

Games can also be useful in building willpower and persistence “because the rules are so clear, and so are the rewards and punishments. Experiments in Russia have shown that children have an easier time standing still if they’re playing at something — like pretending to be a guard at Buckingham Palace — because they’re getting a reward by having fun doing it.”

Age 5-6

Don’t be afraid to let them be bored

Children of this age have a strong sense of curiosity, says the child development expert Elizabeth Hartley-Brewer, and it’s important to make time to answer their questions.

“You need to reinforce that it’s a good thing to be curious,” she says. “Say, “That’s a really good question,” and observe things when you walk down the street together. Tell them that when you get home you’ll look on the computer together and find out about what you’ve seen.”

Parents must not be afraid of letting their child be bored. It builds grit. “Leave them to do nothing and sooner or later they’ll find something to do,” Dr Spungin says.

“Many parents think that by stimulating and playing with them and dropping everything when they say they’re bored they’re doing the right thing, but they’re taking away their children’s ability to wait, to do things for themselves and to not expect to have everything their own way.”

They are starting school, and may not always enjoy it. But they need to learn to stick at it. “What I try to tell them is that learning something is almost always difficult in the beginning,” Dr Spungin says. “But eventually it will be quite gratifying. It doesn’t do to make everything fun. Sometimes it’s just stuff.”

You shouldn’t do your child’s homework, she adds, but make sure they sit down and do it. “That background to achievements is a sense of order and routine.”

Teach them delayed gratification

Saving money is a way of teaching children self-control: deferring gratification and thinking long-term. “This is tough for young children, as experimenters have found by giving them the chance to save up money to buy a really good toy,” Tierney says.

“Many six-year-olds can’t resist the temptation to spend the money on sweets instead of putting it away, but the ones who manage it learn a great lesson when they eventually get rewarded with the toy.

Parents can teach this lesson by giving children their own bank accounts and helping them to monitor the savings. As researchers have found, children are more likely to grow up to be savers if they have bank accounts and if they discuss money with their parents.”

Age 7-10

Don’t interfere in every playground dispute

This is the age where children become much more interested in peer relationships, says the education and parenting consultant Gill Hines. To give them self-confidence it is vital that we give them plenty of opportunity to learn from their peers and to sort out their own problems.

“Modern parents tend to be over cautious, we ‘over-adult”, Hines says. “We tend to jump in and give them adult ways of solving problems, but trying to use an adult-type solution with your peers often doesn’t work.

I’m working with one nine-year-old boy at the moment who is very bright, but he’s upset because the other boys won’t let him play football. It’s because he is very ‘rule abiding’, but the others are used to a much more rough-and-tumble way of sorting problems.

“You need to allow children more and more opportunity to be with their peers without adult supervision, even just letting them be in the garden together.

And if they come running to you saying “Mummy, he said that’ don’t tell them what to say, ask them what are they going to do. And even if you don’t approve of the answer, let them try it.”

Computer games can be character building

At this age there is a tendency to get fixated on one thing — perhaps fashion for girls or computer games for boys. “You want them to stay open and curious so provide them to stay open with lots of different experiences, even if it’s just cycling on the towpath in the rain,” Hines says.

She recommends limiting computer game use, perhaps to half an hour a day for seven-year-olds, an hour for older children. Tierney, however, says that parents who are worried that their children spend too long on computer games can take comfort from a recent study from Harvard.

This showed that most children can get the same benefits from video games as they do from practising a musical instrument — it’s a skill that requires discipline.

“Video games give new glamour to old-fashioned virtues,” Tierney says. Success is conditional — but it’s within your reach as long as you have the discipline to try, try again.”

As for getting children to practise a real musical instrument, this does require persistence, grit and conscientiousness on their part. But if they don’t practise?

“Work before play is a good adage when children are young,” Hartley-Brewer says.

You could try offering TV time if they do ten minutes on the clarinet. “Or suggest practising four times a week instead of every day. If they say they want to grow up, say they can, but only in three months. Sometimes just that easing of pressure can get them over the hump and reinspire them. And if that doesn’t work, then don’t carry on.”

Age 11-13

Autonomy must come with conditions

Secondary school is a turning point in a child’s life, Hines says, and they will be developing their autonomy. However, for every new freedom they are given they should prove they are ready for it by taking on a new responsibility.

For example, to prove that they are trustworthy enough to go clothes shopping with friends on a Saturday afternoon, they need to show that they can look after their existing clothes by doing the laundry and putting their clothes away in their bedroom. They definitely need to be going to and from school alone,” even if it’s a complicated journey, and even if it’s raining.”

And they need to be learning from the consequences of their actions — even if they’ve left their homework or lunch at home, leave it there and let them get themselves out of trouble independently.

There’s a limit to what parents can do about making their child do their homework, Hartley-Brewer says. Ultimately they have to deal with their consequences.

“You can’t stand at their shoulder all evening. You have to trust them. You can show interest — if they are moaning, be sympathetic and ask questions at the end of the homework, such as, “Did you do anything that was interesting?” And having a regular routine oils the works.”

Girls, she says, want to please more than boys, and are naturally more conscientious and able to concentrate. “Boys need to work in bite-sized chunks and they don’t like getting down to work; they feel it’s an imposition on their soul.

You need to let boys be in charge of their own learning, but I would ask them to draw up a schedule for their homework or revision, and let see it. Then tell them it’s down to them.”

Given them an allowance, not ‘jolly’ money

At 13, Hines says, it is time for a child to have an allowance. “The notion of pocket money seems to have gone — in days gone by you used to decide whether you wanted to buy sweets or a comic with your pocket money, but these days we just give kids stuff all the time and there are sweets in the cupboard at home.

“But an allowance is different — it’s not ‘jolly money’, you might have to buy things out of it that you actually need, like lights for school. You give it when you think they are being responsible, that they can get themselves up in the morning, for example. The two things are linked. But it can’t be taken away for bad behaviour.”

Age 14+

They must learn not to let people down

Encourage weekly activities inside or outside school where teenagers realise that sticking to a commitment shouldn’t depend on their mood.

“Helping at a younger child’s club, babysitting, cooking a meal once a week for the family - all these situations, where other people are depending on you, teach conscientiousness and that it’s not all about you, Hartley Brewer says.

“Just because teenagers want their own space doesn’t mean they can manager without support,” she adds. “Qualities such as persistence, self-control and grit come down to a sense of self belief, that you can make a difference. Showing faith in your child is very important.”

As a teenager your self-confidence is quite fragile, Hines says. “Your whole notion of self is being formed and it can take only one comment to knock you.

“Teenagers try to find out who they are by looking in other people’s eyes, but they need to understand that people’s reactions are sometimes motivated by that person, not them. It can be helpful to sit and watch TV with them, something like a soap opera, and say things like ‘Why do you think she’s doing that?’ or ‘Oh no, what’s going to happen next’ - all of which can help consolidate their knowledge of human interaction.”

Give teenagers targets

You can help teens formulate targets, such as saving up for something. Help them to be realistic and work out what weekly amount they have to put in, and stop them setting expectations too high so they don’t give up halfway.

You can also try to finish a DIY (do-it-yourself) project together, such as decorating their bedroom, so they can learn what a thorough job looks like.

“Remember that where parents are modelling persistence, curiosity and determination, that’s the pattern that children will see and absorb,” Hartley-Brewer says.