What American ambassador Ranneberger could tell Obama

To President Barrack Obama, The White House.

From Ambassador Michael Ranneberger, US Embassy, Nairobi.

Dear Mr President. Felicitations and best wishes.

This short missive is just to assure you that everything is under control at this end. The new Constitution passed with a landslide because of my personal efforts and a little support from Mr Kibaki and Mr Odinga.

However, both of them may be growing too big for their breeches. None of them even bothered to acknowledge my sterling contribution at the promulgation ceremony.

Mr President, I know my tour of duty is coming to an end and that you have already settled on a successor to move into my house on Muthaiga Road.

I would urge you to reconsider. Kenya is in a perilous state right now with fresh disagreements that threaten to torpedo the implementation of the new Constitution.

The President and the Prime Minister have personally assured me that they will deliver, but both are hardly in control of their respective factions.

The President is a lame-duck, with his most trusted men completely ignoring him to focus on their presidential succession battles.

The Prime Minister radiates energy, but his wing of the coalition has been rather depleted of late with the exit of William Ruto.

The man also seems to be taking things for granted. Of late, he is behaving like Kibaki and not even returning my calls!

The situation calls for a strong, steady and knowledgeable hand at the US embassy in Nairobi.

No one is better suited than me at this critical moment to drive your agenda. I only have to snap my fingers and dozens of ministers and MPs stand to attention.

I have gone beyond politicians and reached out directly to the people.

Mr President, I am happy to report that today, I command the undivided attention of the majority of Kenyan youth. I have traversed the country from the southern border to the tip of Lake Turkana, from Lamu Island on the Indian Ocean to the shores of Lake Victoria.

I have mobilised youth groups in every corner of the country and everywhere, I receive heroic welcomes that make both President Kibaki and Prime Minister Odinga turn green with envy.

I have been invested as an elder by nearly all the tribes Kenya, and that is more than the two principals can claim. I get more media attention than both of them combined.

Mr President, all that work would go down the drain if I was to be recalled at this particular moment.

We have hard work ahead of us ensuring the activation of the new Constitution. There are all the other Agenda 4 items that might stall without my personal supervision.

Ultimately, Mr President, we need to keep a close eye ahead of the 2012 elections. President Kibaki is serving out his final term, and the hopefuls in his PNU wing of the coalition are behaving like headless chicken.

Vice-President Kalonzo Muysoka, Deputy Prime Minister Uhuru Kenyatta and Mr Ruto are crafting an alliance that you surely would not support — it draws inspiration from the Ku Klux Klan!

Then there is Mr Odinga, our self-proclaimed cousin. At one time, it appeared that the presidency was his to lose.

Now I am afraid to report, Mr President, that delusions of grandeur have infected him.

As I mentioned, earlier, he is no longer returning my phone calls. The other day he kept me waiting in his ante-room for two hours as a succession of businessmen trooped in and out.

Sir, we must look for an alternative, and I have crafted the perfect solution. Just like you were born of a Kenyan to become POTUS, we must get someone born of an American to become President of the Republic of Kenya.

Mr President, I will be PORK.

Kenya now allows dual citizenship, and in any case, I have enough time to become a citizen of Kenyan by naturalisation.

A wedding invitation is on the way. I have also invested in a piece of land that will become my new home. The youth of Kenyan and all the tribal elders have assured me that I am the one.

mgaitho@ke.nationmedia.com