Mkulima Moments: Drama as crafty Tesh wrecks date

We reached the venue shortly after 1pm. Surprisingly, it was a tented camp and there were four-wheel vehicles with blaring music and no signs of training or farming. ILLUSTRATION | IGAH | NATION MEDIA GROUP

What you need to know:

  • I was deeply thinking of how I would convince Tesh that I would be unable to meet her so that I can attend to Wandia.
  • We reached the venue shortly after 1pm. Surprisingly, it was a tented camp and there were three four-wheel vehicles there.
  • The sun was setting and the programme had not started. Tesh later assured me she will drop me back in the city for the following day’s appointment.
  • I woke up the following day at about 1pm inside the tent. The prospective farmers were there chatting merrily. Tesh was not around.

I am basking in the glory of winning the highly publicised case against Mzee Jeremiah.

As you know, I appeared before the chief’s kangaroo tribunal after Mzee Jeremiah accused me of poisoning his tomato crop by spraying an unknown pesticide.

The laboratory tests were brought to the chief’s office by the local agricultural officer. The results showed that the tomato crop had dried due to bacterial wilt. According to the officer, the soil was not tested and it was not fit for the crop.

The chief, in her wisdom, and much to the chagrin of Mzee Jeremiah, dismissed the case with costs. So Mzee Jeremiah is supposed to pay me Sh3,500 for wasting my two days.

As usual, he claimed I had bribed the agricultural officer and vowed to appeal at an unnamed higher office.

So with the case behind me, I was back to my usual daily activities.

You will recall that after my first appearance at the chief’s meeting, Tesh gave me ‘a lift’ in her nice smelling car. We never talked much due to the blasting music, but I was able to mention to her that I will be in Nairobi the following Sunday. She suggested we meet.

This caused an unprecedented clash with the date I had with Wandia, the girl in my heart.

I was deeply thinking of how I would convince Tesh that I would be unable to meet her so that I can attend to Wandia when my phone beeped.

“Mkulima, my pals want an agribusiness discussion on Saturday,” the message read. This was a relief.

She explained how her friends had pressurised her to have me as a speaker in the said event. She even added that the group is meeting all the costs associated to my participation.

I agreed on conditions she cancels the Sunday meeting

Tesh picked me up at the Country Bus Station on Saturday at 11am.

NO SIGNS OF TRAINING OR FARMING

Adenya, my city friend, had prepared some Power Point slides which he thought would come handy during my presentation.

“Can I pick my Power Point presentations from Adenya?” I asked Tesh.

“No need for such things, Mkulima,” she answered disregarding my request.

This time, she was in a tight jeans, so I wasn’t getting confused by her legs.

We reached the venue shortly after 1pm. Surprisingly, it was a tented camp and there were three four-wheel vehicles there.

The music was blaring. There were no signs of training or farming.

A few metres away, three gentlemen were slaughtering a goat. Tesh never gave me time to ask questions.

She quickly started issuing instructions to ensure the venue was ready for the “agribusiness talk”.

I joined the guys who were struggling to slaughter the goat. My experience in slaughtering rabbits when I was a young boy worked magic as the fellows had never slaughtered any animal.

They sighed with relief when I took over and skinned the goat.

After the feasting and drinking, the talk started at 5pm. I was worried but Tesh convinced me she would drop me in the city after the talks. I doubted.

The sun was setting and the programme had not started. Tesh later assured me she will drop me back in the city for the following day’s appointment.

“Hello guys, it’s time to listen to Mkulima,” Tesh said while holding a glass of a drink that didn’t look familiar.

“He has already taught us the first lesson of how to slaughter a goat,” one guy interrupted drunkenly.

A DRINK THAT LOOKED LIKE MILK

In my address, I discouraged them from the ordinary crops and advised them to focus on the niche market. “Niche crops are those meant for the city or international markets. No need to struggle with wheat, maize or beans,” I said.

When I concluded, the group was excited. Tesh’s lady friend Irene offered me a drink that looked like milk. “You can have Amarula, we appreciate you,” she said.

As a teetotaller, I was about to refuse but when I saw it was what Tesh had been taking and she was sober, I took a glass.

My tongue loved the taste of ‘milk’ that I devoured the first glass in a second. To cut the long story short, I can’t remember how many glasses I took.

I woke up the following day at about 1pm inside the tent. The prospective farmers were there chatting merrily. Tesh was not around.

I was told she had left an hour earlier and that she had tried waking me up in vain. I remembered about my date with Wandia, and went for my phone to see if she had tried reaching me.

The battery was dead. For several minutes, I stared blankly not believing Tesh had sabotaged my date.