The hustler government wishes to inform all Kenyans that we have received a strong statement from a group calling themselves the opposition in Kenya, threatening us with bad things if we do not relieve both the Cabinet Secretaries for Agriculture and Trade of their duties, for sleeping on the job when Kenyan farmers are being sold donkey urea and human wigs disguised as inorganic fertiliser.
Ordinarily, we would have been alarmed at the whirlwind of anger and frustration from Kenyan farmers that has been gathering pace this past week, and made the necessary changes in cabinet to safeguard our reputation as the government that watches over suffering farmers, but we have just been reminded about the reassuring words of God in the Book of Isaiah 41:10; “So do not fear, for I am with you; do not be dismayed, for I am your God. I will strengthen you and help you.”
It is for this reason that we wish to notify all noises coming from those who are supposed to be our shareholders but are now working with the opposition to bring us down, that this government, that was chosen by God in His image and likeness, is like a tree rooted firmly by the banks of River Jordan, which brings forth fruits all season, whose leaf shall not wither and whatever it does will prosper.
We have taken it upon ourselves to remind you of these inalienable truths, as prophesised in the Holy Scriptures, because this government was chosen by God to return Kenya back to the body of Christ, after many decades of being ruled by sons and daughters of dynasty who neither feared God nor belonged to any church.
These enemies of progress, who have a history of riding roughshod over poor children of God, for a long time thought that the fear of hot porridge was the beginning of all wisdom, until God said let there be light when the hustler government came into office, and all sinners ran to hide in darkness, but not before attempting to beat the Lord’s servant Wafula Chebukati with a wooden club that had never seen the inside of a church.
When we brought down the Bible at the Kasarani stadium in late 2022, we promised our farmers that the first thing we shall do would be to lean on the necks of all cartels in the health, agriculture, education and money markets who had been making a killing from the dripping sweat of hardworking hustlers.
Today, we are pleased to report, that on top of crushing the sons and daughters of dynasty, we have empowered hustlers to take advantage of the hustler fund in order to setup their own hustler empowerment programmes to do business with government.
For a long time, this country has always believed that only those who were born in rich families deserve respect, honour and dignity that came with inheriting generational wealth.
When we campaigned on the platform of dignifying the lives of commoners who had been on the fringes of the economic food chain since independence, we knew we were up against age-old stereotypical prejudices that long held the view that only children from rich families knew the smell of government money.
By empowering hustler businesses to supply the National Cereals and Produce Board (NCPB) with donkey poop and bat urine, the hustler government has broken the centuries old myth that only fertiliser that come in the form of round pellets can be packaged in a gunny bag with porous fabric.
From now on, chemistry professors will have to go back to the lab to scratch their brains after discovering that their lecture notes – which they have been using to teach that donkey poop cannot be packaged without leaking – are outdated and deserve to be revised with immediate effect. Who, in the whole world, even knew that a scientific discovery of this magnitude could be made by a government that is comprised of a cabinet that read speeches like they are filling Sudoku?
Sons and daughters of dynasty, who told Kenyan voters that we are clueless to run government, are increasingly getting shocked with case studies from rural farmers who have been using donkey poop as organic manure since time immemorial with excellent results.
They are equally shocked, from the latest admission by a State House staffer, that the aromatic smell from the Mwea Rice that is the pride of Kenya, has always been as a result of top dressing the paddy fields with donkey poop during the flowering stage.
We have also received reports of government fertiliser being found mixed with crushed stones that the builders rejected at construction sites all over the country.
The Bible says, in Psalms 118:20-23, that Jesus Christ is the stone that the Jerusalem builders rejected, and who will become the head cornerstone. Because of this, we wish to alert our hustler farmers to be careful when being incited to throw away the bags of fake fertiliser, because someone might pick the bags at the dumpsite and discover that Jesus was hiding in one of them after resurrection tomorrow.
Those calling for the government to compensate farmers who bought stones disguised as fertiliser should know that a bag of construction stones is more expensive than a bag of subsidised fertilisers, and anyone inciting you to return your bag of stones in exchange of a bag of fertilisers do not want you to build your own affordable house and keep paying rent in apartments that are owned by those who are inciting you to rebel.
At a time like this, when Jesus has just been crucified and is awaiting resurrection tomorrow, we owe it to our supporters to die with Him in defence of the body of Christ that is under threat in Kenya right now, as we await the second coming of our president in 2027.
